What is wrong with single moms?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
What is wrong with single moms?
12
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 7:38am

Out of Lurkerville with an angry/depressed rant.

One of my best guy pals, according to several mutual friends, is half in love with me. We have so much in common and would be such a great couple, but he told a friend last night that he could never get serious with me, because I have two kids. When he gets married, he wants to have two kids, and only two kids, so he can't marry someone who already has kids. So meanwhile he is dating a girl he told the same friend that he is not sure about because she really doesn't want kids, and he is concerned about what kind of mom she would be if she did have any. But he is also taking her on a vacation out of the country for two weeks!

This is just the latest in a long string. I meet two kinds of guys - the ones who hit the door running when they find out I have kids, or the ones who think a single mom is desperate, and when they don't get laid on the first date, then they hit the door running. I'm no supermodel, but I am attractive, have a good personality, am emotionally stable, have a good job and my own home, etc. My kids are very cute, have good attitudes, do very well in school, hardly ever get in trouble, one is very artistic and one is very athletic. Their dad lives three states away and is not very involved in their lives, so their is no drama there. So what is the deal that I can't get the time of day from a decent guy?

I'm not trying to date college students, or only guys who are rich or drop dead gorgeous, or something like that. I would like to find someone in my age range (33) who also has a good personality and is emotionally and financially stable. I have dated men with children and they were no different. I even went out with two who had custody of their own kids. Both of them thought their kids were great, but would like to see my kids on a boat to Siberia.

I would never do anything like it myself, but I can understand why some women think they have to get rid of their kids to get a man. All of these polls say most divorced women get married again within three years. I have been divorced for two years, and haven't even gotten a second date in over a year!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 8:15am

I am in the same boat as you - so don't feel bad. There is nothing you can do to change any of these men. Just keep looking and don't settle.

You are very smart to see these men for what they are and to not jeopardize your children.

I have not had a date in 2 years and I have been divorced for 4 years. Like you, I am very attractive, look very young for my age, always well-dressed, financially stable, interesting, active, with one son who does very well in school, very polite, very athletic, no drama from the ex.

It just takes time. Stay busy and stay with us - it is great to have you and great to have another one like me.

What do you do for fun? Tell us more about you!!

HUGS and welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 5:37pm

Dating isn't easy at all. It doesn't matter if you have children or not. You just have to keep looking and don't settle.

I didn't date for 4 years after my marriage ended. I'm 34 yrs old. Dating is just difficult after you reach a certain age. Kids or no kids. You will, in fact, find many men who will appreciate you if you are emotionally stable. If you are stable, they will not view your kids as baggage. There are plenty of childless women in our age group who are nuts and DESPARATE for that first husband, first baby.

Taking on kids is a hard sell for many childless men. There are issues with blended families. Things can get complicated, but you'll find someone who you click with.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:58pm

Tricia,

THANK YOU!! It is good to be reminded of this!

How are you doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2001
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:23pm

I'm going to post a theory-in-progress.

You said that you're 33, looking for someone in your age range.

I really think that part of the problem *IS* the age range.

Based on my on observations, it seems that a lot of 30-something men are still behaving like they are 19-21. Not exactly Dad material. Then you have the rare few that want to father kids, but not necessarily raise them...that sounds like this guy your talking about.

I, as a PCP DAD, have the same problem. I meet plenty of women that love it that I'm an involved Dad, but say "bye-bye" when they find out that they are with me 45 weeks a year.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 8:08am

Hi Judy,

I'm doing fine. I'm still dating the same man and it seems like everything is good. We're making plans for all the fun things we're going to do...go to baseball games, camping, beach. I'm looking forward to it getting a little warmer around here. Hopefully, Spring will show up in the next couple of weeks.

How are you doing???

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:41am

I am 43 but your theory still applies. The age range is the challenge. Many of the men in my age range who want to be married are married.

I think that if I met someone younger who wants to have a child that would be great. Or someone my age or slightly older who has older children and the time for me that is good.

I think I would find it a challenge to be with someone who has younger children. First of all, I would not like bad behavior influences on my child or to watch him struggle with having to get along with someone else's kids on a regular basis. I would find it a challenge to have step children who don't want me in their life - I saw this with a set of carpool kids who only wanted their mom to drive them and they weren't nice to my son - I just don't have the strength or patience to deal with that.

Plus I have a lot of freedom and a great lifestyle and know I would not want to spend my weekends watching someone else's kids play soccer games. I am very active and fit. I know that sounds selfish, but that is me. I am not the type of mom that loves to sit all day and watch her children grow. I am the mom who put a dog leash on my son's bike with training wheels and pulled him 5 miles so I could run!! I have to be honest with myself.

I do think you will find someone to accept your children. Maybe an older woman who always wanted to be married and have children in her life but doesn't want the work and sacrifice of having her own children? I have a very dear girlfriend who is 40 and had never been married. She just married a younger man (30) with 3 children, all girls. She gets them every other weekend. And while it is a challenge for her sometimes, she is happy to be married now and have children in her life since she doesn't have any of her own. She is happy she didn't have to go through pregnancy and child rearing but gets to enjoy them part time and feel she adds something to their life. The children adore her. She even made them girly bedrooms with all of the furniture from her childhood.

I think you have to realize your situation and what would work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 9:55am

Hi Tricia,

Things are going well in my life. I can't complain. Everything is pretty much the same with regards to my coach. But I am being patient and also keeping my eyes open.

I am enthused that your relationship is going well. That gives me hope.

Have you discovered any challenges or is it all rosy and getting better? Do you feel he could be the one?

Thanks for answering all of my questions!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 11:10am
I completely hear you. As a recent divorcee and single mom, I am starting to believe that my timing is off. So far I have met the not-quite-divorced, just got engaged, married but unhappy men. I find myself living the double standard too. I have a child, but I am not sure how I would be as a step-mom. Some of the men I have met who have kids are not sure how they would be as a step-dad. Although in my case it would really be fulfilling the role of dad because my child does not see her father (his choice). I haven't been back in the dating scene long, but it is not fun. I enjoy going out, so I do it for me and not to be "on the prowl". Most of my friends are either single or married, so I fluctuate back in forth in different social scenes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:05pm

Judy,

I really do think he's the one. Our relationship is starting to change from the rosy stage and is maturing without any big surprises or letdowns. We have our challenges. Since we both are custodial parents, we don't see each other as often as we would like but we are in contact always. He seems like the partner I've been searching for. He feels the same way.

We both feel really lucky to have met each other. I think that's good. It's not one-sided.

Keep your eyes open. I bet something happens for you before the year is over. You've got the right attitude.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 12:09pm

I wish you were closer so we could go for coffee or happy hour.

What do you mean by he's the partner you've been searching for? Is this because of how you communicate? Are attracted to each other? Or for things you have in common?

What is different betweeen now and when you felt this way about your exh?

I am so so so happy for you!!




Edited 3/14/2005 1:24 pm ET ET by west1745

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