what's a deal breaker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
what's a deal breaker?
11
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 5:50pm
OK, so we all agree on that it's a matter of degree and personal comfort level. So my next query is...what's a no questions asked, 100% deal breaker for you...even when you're married? I'll go first.

Given that I tried to find out as much as possible about my man before I married him, I would not tolerate any sort of infidelity, either a six month emotional affair or a one night stand.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:01pm
Physical or sexual abuse of me or my kids. No questions asked, no second chances, it's over. And I expect jail time to follow, because I *will* prosecute.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:04pm
#1 Violence...if he hits me or my child, I don't care how long I've been with him or married to him, or what he was like before or why he did it...it's over.

#2 If he suddenly started using illegal drugs or abusing alcohol (to an extent that is beyond casual or social drinking)

I really want to put down infidelity too, but I think with that one, I would want to ask a few questions first and get down to the bottom of it before making my decision...although my first inclination would be to run.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 6:06pm
yah! Exactly what she said!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 7:12pm
Hmmm...ok.

Physical abuse, non negotiable. Criminal activity, non negotiable.

To those I would add verbal, emotional abuse, controlling behavior. Having experienced them, they are every bit as bad (and harder to prove) as physical abuse. Anyone who isn't respectful to me and doesn't think I'm 'all that' is NOT going to take my precious time.

And, infidelity I guess...moreso for the fact that he was being "intimate" with someone else than that he was having sex with someone else. If I found out he 'loved' someone else AND me, then his love for me would be pretty much worthless.

I'd also add "not caring about me anymore". Someone who didn't WANT to make me happy, didn't want to please me any more...I'm outta there. That might seem trivial, but I don't want to spend time with a loveless relationship. I want someone who's going to be my biggest cheerleader or why bother?

Trav and I talked about some of this stuff early on (because we talked for hours before we actually met). We established that we both wanted "something permanent with one person". And once we decided we were exclusive, that's what we were exploring together. And we talked about what we wanted in a man/woman. Trav's take on it is "if you can get it at home, you don't want to go anywhere else"...LOL That covers a lot of ground in the "not caring any more" category. We agree that pleasing each other is important.





iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 8:06pm
My deal breaker would be infidelity, emotional/physical/mental abuse to me or my kids. I have been through more than my fair share of abuse and I will NEVER allow anyone to do that to me or my kids again EVER!
Lori
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 11:03pm

Infidelity.


A pattern of dishonesty (if he lies once or twice and I call him on it and he stops, I could live with it, I think.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 9:37am

Okay, like just about everyone else, my #1 would be abuse of any kind of my kids or me.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:06am

ANY kind of physical abuse to Tyler or I (horrifying to even think about this answer!) would be a "deal breaker". I'd be out of there.


Infidelity would be grounds for immediate separation the way I see it today, with serious counseling. But I don't think it would be grounds for divorce immediately.


Same with alcohol/drug abuse. If DH slid into serious addictions/substance abuse, I would separate. I would not leave my son in that environment, as believe it would be more harmful than taking him away would be. Again, counseling would be in order.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Sun, 04-11-2004 - 3:42pm
I agree 100% with you - infidelity is the deal breaker for me, no questions asked, one strike your out. I was married to a serial cheater and compulsive liar. I will never, ever tolerate cheating (emotional, physical, long-term or one night) ever again. Another deal breaker for me would be lying. Again...after 10 years with a compulsive liar I would never tolerate that again. I expect honestly from my family and friend and I get it. I am also a very honest person myself and won't accept dishonesty in a partner again.

mother of 2

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:54am
Deal breakers for me:

Here is my list that I use for potential candidates. I believe it is best to go very slow in the beginning and be observant.

- emotional instability - bad temper, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, physically abusive; I would not tolerate this behavior towards myself or other people. I always watch this carefully, especially in the beginning. How do they treat the waiter? What was their childhood like? What is their opinion on disciplining children? (I believe in positive reinforcement.)

- substance abuse of any kind - tobacco, drugs, alcohol, porn

- financial irresponsibility - doesn't have to be rich - just responsible - pay taxes, pay bills on time, care about credit, have health insurance

- careless or reckless behavior - (probably stems from the first one above) includes wreckless driving or anything wreckless - bad manners, excessive cursing, infidelity or history of infidelity, wants to go way too fast in the beginning of a relationship

- workaholic - it is good if they have a great job and work hard but it cannot be so so excessive that they don't have the time for a good relationship

- overweight couch potato

- wierd religion, political extremist, animal rights activist

And there you have it! :-)

Judy

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