What's WRONG with me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
What's WRONG with me???
5
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 1:41am

Ok here I go.........

I've been dating a man for almost 6 months, things are starting to get serious and to tell you the truth, he's growing on me. I'm 28, he's 40, we both have two kids but mine are almost 2 and 3 1/2 and his are 11 and 14 quite and age difference. Our kids schedules are complete opposite which leaves little time to spend quality time together although we did manage to get to get away on a little vacation for 3 WHOLE days with no interuptions!!! I have to mention that both of his kids have different moms. So, spending time together is always limited. I have yet to spend a whole weekend with him because we have our kids on opposite weekends. You know, I really like this man, we get each other, we really connect and he is very supportive of me (read my Angry Ex post and you'll see what I mean). Everyday that goes by, he amazes me more and more and my heart just grows for him. So, he's a great guy and I should have a thing to worry about right???

SO.............

Why do I always find the need to see if he's actually telling the truth when he says he has his kids??? What is WRONG with me??? I have these crazy thoughts when he says he has his kids. I'll call to make sure he's home and he is so....what the F*** is wrong with me??? I want to question him but don't want to make myself seem crazy and scare him away. It seems he is always having his kids on random days, changing plans with me, telling me "oh, sorry, I have the kids tonight so we'll have to reschedule." Is this normal??? Maybe these things do happen in the real world??? The only set days are his weekends. So for instance, he was suppose to have his son today but after an e-mail later, I found out that he didn't have his son because it was his ex's daugther's birthday and she wanted their son and didn't bother to tell me but instead that he is getting his son Saturday evening. This isn't the first time this has happened. Is this just a man thing??? Are we women just sometimes too demanding and want to know it all??? He is just so sketchy about his plans with his kids. Things are going good so I shouldn't assume that anything is wrong right???

Just rambling on and on......

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 5:11am

I think you are probably frustrated because you do not have enough time or set times to see him. It is hard on 2 single parents as it is - and with him having 2 exs and kids that age with social schedules - this is probably going to happen more often than not. I don't think there is anything you can do to change that either.

Did your exh cheat on you? If so maybe this is something you want to address in counseling so that you don't bring this ghost on board with a new relationship. That is one idea that came to my mind.

I think this is a difficult situation and you both just have to do the best you can. The positive is that he is here for his kids. They are older and pretty soon they are going to get more busy with their social lives and his days with them are numbered. I wonder if there is something you can do to switch and get the same weekends together? Is that possible on either end? Have you met each other's kids yet?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Sat, 04-28-2007 - 7:53am

I echo Wests thoughts here. It seems that if he is as in to you as you are in to him, then maybe you could discuss with him about trying to coordinate the weekends, so that you can be together more. If his kids are nearby they may just be showing up, or maybe his exs use him kind of like a babysitter. Sounds like he is into his kids, which is great. I think a talk like that would help you to know where you guys stand with each other.

Also, issues in you past relationship could be bugging you, like West said. So, talking to a counselor or just some good soul-searching will go a long way. Plus, maybe it could be created by your loneliness and your need to spend more time with him.

Nothing wrong with you there...

--tj

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:54am

Hi,

You are right, I am clearly fustrated with not having enough time with him and I'm also fustrated that his schedule with his son is always unpredictable. Well, I had a conversation with him tonight and as far as the schedules go, it doesn't look like anything is going to change any time soon! When we do argue, it's always the same issues that come up - our lack of time together because of our schedule. Are we doomed? Maybe we can't change the schedule and then what? We talk about vacations together, going golfing, hikes, but guess what??? It goes back to our schedule!!! Oh, I haven't met his kids yet, probably for good reason, but he has met mine who are quite young so they don't really know what's going on. I don't want to end the relationship because when you put the two of us together, we fit perfectly together but at the same time, I don't know if I could continue with out some kind of change with our schedules. I told myself, to just give it some time and see if things improve but at what point do I say enough, nothing is going to change so I'm out of here?

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2006
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:59am

He is very into his kids which I love but at the same time I want some of his attention too! I know it sounds silly and maybe a bit childish! I'm scared to have a conversation of where we stand because what if it's not what I want to hear??? I have to face my fears and just do it. I do have a trust issue, my exh left me for another woman and I knew it and saw all the sighs but was to ignorant to see them. Perhaps, some soul searching will do me some good. It's been a hard 18 months since my divorce with everything going on at once. I don't feel grounded and that's something I want most in my life.

-Vanessa

Vanessa
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 3:50pm

I am not sure what to say - how many times a week do you usually see him? This borderlines "good dad" with "compartment syndrome" - where they keep you separate from their lives and don't incorporate - just have physical needs met. Maybe you want to watch and see for a bit more?

I think I would just try to keep a more casual head - make sure you have other interests and activities so you don't get in the position of "beggar" for his time. I never want to be a beggar - I want to have a guy who wants to see me. If you are always bending your schedule and bending over backwards to see him, which is natural because you want to, then he is never going to learn to make time for you. And since you haven't met his kids yet it isn't that serious really - so try to keep it in neutral and let it go at its own pace.