What's Wrong With Me?!!?
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| Sun, 05-08-2005 - 6:15pm |
Okay, here's the deal...
I met a great and wonderful guy last week. He's sweet, nice, funny, and attractive. He has all the characteristics that I could possibly want in someone!
He's 35, divorced, and has 2 boys. He's a hopeless romantic, and I think I'm more realistic when it comes to love.
He believes in love at first sight, and has professed his undying love for me. He talks about getting married, how many kids we'll have, the house, the ring, etc. Well...this is all very fast for me, and I've tried to explain that to him. He says that "we're not promised tomorrow, and he's just letting me know all of this mainly for his own benefit." He says that he doesn't want to pressure me, but that's just what he's doing.
I don't love this guy. I can imagine a life with him in the future (far future), but at this point, I just want to take it day by day.
If he continues to do this, I think that he's going to run me off, b/c I'm just not ready for this type of thing at this point. I believe that if he had not said all of this, I would be completely smitten with him, but now, I just don't know.
My family tells me to just keep telling him to take it slow. That he's just like this b/c of the age factor and he's wanting to settle down; that he thinks that he's found someone that shares all of the same hopes and dreams as him, etc...
I mean, yes, I'm a very family person, but at times, I just feel like...okay...I've been single this long, I've got my routine, why mess it up with someone and take that chance that they're really feeding me a bunch of crap?
So, what do I do? I like him, I'm just not crazy about him at this point, and I believe it's b/c he's putting all this pressure on me. I think that in order to love someone, you have to know them, and he doesn't really know me - considering it's ONLY BEEN A WEEK!!!!
So, should I go throught the motions and hope that these feelings will gradually grow...just take the time to get to know him, or tell him that it's just not working out for me?
OOOHHHHH - what do I do?
Kait

Good luck!
Jessie
I read in a magazine once that men (or people) who develop that strong of feelings that fast, tend to crash and burn fairly soon. I didn't really believe it, until I was in a relationship with someone like that, he wasn't professing his love in a week, but within a few weeks he was. Things moved along and once I felt 'on board' with where he saw the relationship going, his feelings started to fade. Within a few months the relationship fell apart.
At the very least, coming on that strong so fast will scare you away permanentantly. It would scare any rational, emotionally healthy person. Most people who felt that strongly so soon would keep it to themselves for a while and give the other person a chance to determine how they felt on their own.
I think it's a big red flag.
I think that in love there are no absolutes. I have seen this work and I have seen this not work.
My grandfather was that crazy about my grandmother. And a guy I knew since childhood and I started dating a while back and he was that crazy for me - but I was not that crazy for him so I freaked and dumped him after trying to make it work. To this day he still likes me and I don't have reciprocal chemistry for him. But another guy I dated online came on this strong and then dumped me for an ex girlfriend (he also called later on when that didn't work but I gave him the cold shoulder).
LOVE..there is no rhyme or reason...sigh...
Anyway, personally, I would consider this a red flag because it doesn't seem rational after only one week, particularly with a guy who is his age and already divorced. Is he this impulsive about other things as well? How did you meet? Do you think he is really that into you or just looking for a mother for his kids? Do you know his dating history?
Further, dating is supposed to be fun and casual in the beginning. There is so much to know about a person and even more if marriage and existing children are considered and that just takes buckets of time.
The most important point is that it is too fast for you or you wouldn't be posting this here - you have to listen to your gut instinct. I would say you have 2 options:
1) tell him to chill on the M word and then see what he does (also observe more about him)
2) throw in the towel
I would be inclined to give it a bit more time but if he persisted I would not want to see him.
There is nothing wrong with YOU at all. Keep us posted!! I am sure you will get some good answers from the other women here as well.
Happy Mother's Day!!
RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!!! This guy sounds like a real nut job to me. How in the world can he profess love for you? You've only just met him.
I'd cut my losses with this one and don't hang around hoping that you'll develop some feelings for him.
Kait
Again I didn't say anything because I get told that I'm too negative, not romantic enough, etc. but I thought it was really quick for him to go to church with you and meet your daughter after a first blind date.
I'd run. It sounds to me like he's in love with love and it doesn't have much to do with you. He has an ideal and he could fit any good woman into that slot. He needs to get to know YOU, and not try to fit a woman into this scenario he has already planned out in his head.
AT the VERY least you're not on the same page. YOu want to get to know someone, he wants you to be the "woman of his dreams"...
If I were YOU and I'd only met him last week, and he was professing undying love I'd RUN HARD AND FAST NOW! In the opposite direction, just to clarify.
He's the type that falls in and out of love with the changes of the wind. He'll stay with you long enough to meet another pretty face that he's in love with and has great chemistry with. I've been there and dated that kind of man. Feels VERY intoxicating. Lasts no time at all.
No value in pursuing him, in my opinion.
Now, why are you asking what's wrong with you? Because you don't want to keep dating this man? Because you feel nervous? I would say if you DO, then you're very normal and stable and intsability makes you uncomfortable.
"AT the VERY least you're not on the same page. YOu want to get to know someone, he wants you to be the "woman of his dreams"..." I agree, this is really where the problem lies.
I also agree with West, I think, who said, love has no absolutes, for some it works, for others not.
There are couples out there who fall in love at first sight, it's true. They do. My parents are my real life example and my grandparents on my dad's side. Maybe it's genetic? I fell inlove with my SO within weeks, and he did with me as well...but we didn't TELL eachother that until two or three months down the road, because SOCIETY dictates that if we do it any sooner, we're just wackos. If you both feel the same way, then maybe you aren't wackos, and your meant to be together.
BUT...you've got to BOTH feel it, otherwise, you're just looking at incompatability and a guy who could become a potential stalker!
My advice is if you're already feeling pressured by this guy, you're not going to feel the love. Don't wait for it here, go find it somewhere else.
Good luck.
I totally agree with Candi's post. Sounds to me like the guy is just wanting SO much to be with someone, that ANYONE will do. And since you went on a date, you'll do.
If you're not feeling it, move on. You've got to be on the same page and reciprocating the feelings of the other person. If the two of you had been friends who slowly build a relationship and then feelings for one another, then great- but you met the guy a week ago and he's tailing you like a lost puppy.
You should thank him for the dates and extend your hand in friendship. Maybe invite him and his sons to church functions or something- with lots of other people around and NOT as a date. Tell him that you're just not *there* yet, like he is.
Good luck
Alison