What's your luck with older bachelors?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
What's your luck with older bachelors?
7
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 10:39pm

Just curious...Have any of you dated men who have never been married? If so, what have you found to be true about never married men?

One part of me would be relieved to not add any more kids to the mix (I have 2 already). The other part of me thinks that only another parent can understand what you are going through raising kids and would be a better match.

What has your experience been?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 7:22am

I'm just now (actually, yesterday, I "officially" ended it) not dating an older bachelor.

We were only very casually dating, but here's my take: He was much older than I am, and had never been married (I'm divorced) and never had children (I have 2).

He was very into me, and that was nice, but he just didn't seem to get that I would never be able to drop life (as in my kids, my responsibilities, my priorities) to spend time with him at the drop of a hat. He was very nice. Just not right for me.

The thing about older men who've never been responsible for anyone but themselves (and probably women, too, I just don't know any), at least in my opinion, is that they tend to think literally in there here and now, and without much thought to the future, simply because they don't have to. They may plan for their retirement, but they think nothing of taking a vacation on one week's notice.

I honestly think that for me, it was a combination of things. If this particular guy had been either closer to my age and not ever been married, or if he had been through similar life experiences, I think we would have had more in common and maybe I would have been able to make a go of it. His not having children I'm not sure was really part of the equation except that he didn't really get that my life would never revolve around having a good time- but it didn't when I was 16, either, so I think that may have been more of a personality or lifestyle difference, anyhow.

I hope this helps, but really, I guess it's just me relaying my experience. I wouldn't say it was a bad one, as I met somoene who was nice, fun to be around, but simply not right for me. I am glad I met him- I think we have to meet a lot of the wrong people so we can recognize the right one when he comes into our lives.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 10:22am
Yep, I dated a friend I have known since 8th grade. He has been in the Marines for 20 years and never married. Just my opinion, but if a man hasn't been married by age 40, there is probably a reason why. There is no way he could have dealt with my kids. We are still good friends, but I really doubt he ever marries.
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 10:40am

I have mixed emotions on this one. I don't want to cross off a whole category of men for this reason, but the ones I have dated through online dating, who are 40+ and have never been married, are that way for a big reason. One was so selfish and set in his ways I think you woud have to live next door to him and live by his schedule. Another had such strange habits (didn't like air conditioning here in FL!). And another one drank too much. And another who was in his 30s had major debt and didn't believe in paying taxes.

BUT I do know of 3 men who married after 40 and they are all great catches.

I guess you just have to keep an open mind and take it on a case by case basis and do what is best for you. Some men without children are very great with them and some who have them are not or they are so into theirs they do not have time for anyone else and favor theirs.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:10pm

Oh boy, maybe I'm the wrong person to ask this question of. Since my ex-husband left 8 years ago, I have dated only single bachelors, guys that had never been married and had no children, except for Steve, the man I recently ended my relationship with. There were 3 bachelors that I dated, and they were all older than me, and they were all in their mid 40's. After the last one, Mark, broke my heart for the second time, I vowed I would never date another non-married man ever again. Around Christmas time, there was a guy, Phil, who fit the bachelor profile. He wanted to date me real bad; bought methings, brought me flowers in hopes that I would say yes. I said no, and stuck to it. He said I couldn't judge him by what others had done to me, and my response was, yes I can and I need to break this pattern I was in. Of those 3 that I dated, I was deeply in love with No. 1 and No. 3. No. 1 left me for my little sister; whom she left her husband for, married this guy and had a child with him, whom I have to face at all family gatherings; and No. 3 left me the first time to go back to his ex-fiance. Six months later, out of the blue sky, he called me and asked me to take him back. Me, like a fool, took him back, and 8 months later he cheated on me and chose the other woman -- second broken heart. I just couldn't take it any more.

As for what I have found about these non-married men, they tend to be selfish and commitment phobes. They are jealous of the time you spend with your children. And they truly do not understand what it takes to raise a child and care for that child. They can say they do, but unless they have been up all night with a sick child, they just don't get it. They can say that it's ok for you to call them back when you are helping a child with homework, but when an hour later you are still doing third grade math and you can't talk to them right that minute, they get irritated. And then there's the "Oh can't you get a sitter so we can go here or there".

I have dated 2 men that had raised children. One was married 3 times, had one son of his own, and raised 2 sets of stepchildren. We are still friends, we talk occasionally and every once in a while he will stop by. He was very understanding about my children, it's just he was a lot older than me and not looking for a relationship because he did not want to raise another set of stepchildren, so we agreed to just be friends. The second man I dated was Steve. He had one son. I liked his son and so did my kids. We all got along pretty well. Steve was the problem. In my opinion, he put his son on a very high pedestal, idolized him, and was almost obsessed with his son, even friends told me that they thought he was obsessive. His behavior started to get on my nerves because it got to the point where it was causing conflict between his son and my children. So yes, you are right that there might be issues in dealing with your children and someone elses. All I can say is that if there are problems, then he is not the right one for you, and you should move on. It's not easy to blend families, but it can be done successfully. It just takes a joint effort on everyone's part.

I hope I answered your question and helped a little. There could be hundreds of women out there that would disagree with me, and that's ok. I am just giving you my personal story of what happened to me. The relationship with bachelor No. 3 and the relationship that I just ended took a very big emotional toll on me, and I am now taking a break from dating. I loved No. 3 very much. He was my best friend and we have a lot of fun together. But the truth of the matter was that he was never going to be able to commit to me and my kids, he was never going to be "stepdad". And I can say the same thing about the other 2 bachelors. I think it takes a very special kind of man to love a woman, and her children, which are not his. It does happen, but it takes time to find. Good luck to you.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 1:29pm

I forgot to mention that Bachelor No. 3 also gave me Herpes.

No. 1 married my sister; No. 2 was verbally abusive and messed up my house; and No. 3 broke my heart and gave me a disease. See now why I avoid bachelors!

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 1:21pm

Just thought of one more thing - if you look on "related boards" on the right, you will see May-December relationships - there are many women there who are dating older men - you might get some insight from reading their posts and asking them if they have this experience.

Keep us posted - glad you found us!

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Avatar for memphisstars
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-17-2006 - 9:57pm

Here I am, a newby to this board, and I am jumping right in. I couldn't resist. I just ended a six-year relationship with a guy who was 49, previously married to someone else for one year, no children. I had three teenagers during the time I was dating him.

He had NO CLUE about children, was jealous of my time with them, had unrealistic expectations of them, was self-centered and lived from moment to moment, never bonded with them to any degree, and had a totally different concept of time than I did, i.e. it is often impossible to set strict time limits when a child needs your attention, nor should you have to!

When I realized I was raising FOUR children, and he was more trouble than my own children, I got out. The great irony of it all is that he wanted children, met a woman on the internet, got her pregnant and she left him immediately. He will now have a child without the hassle of raising it! Got what he wanted, I guess.

I am now dating a much younger guy who, however, was married for fourteen years. He is SO much more attuned to commitment, not selfish, and in sync with me that I wish I had left Jerk years before. The new BF has no children, but so far, he seems just fine with mine, esp. since they are now in their twenties.

Just my experience, but consider if you had never had to adjust your lifestyle to care for children; you would probably have any entirely different lifestyle that centered around you, too. Not to say that there aren't plenty of guys out there who want to be good dads and have the personality to learn in later life. I thought my Ex could, but he never really put out the effort. So, if you have children, I would go at this with your eyes wide open and not end up devastated as I did.