when?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
when?
2
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 8:35pm
My kids got hurt by my last relationship. I thought, we thought, he was a really great guy. He loved the kids, he just did not love me. He said he did, he acted like he did, and he cheated-twice!! He decided his last girl was the love of his life and told me I was nothing. He said it in a much meaner way, but he said it. I tried telling my kids that it wasn't them and I think they believe me, but they are still so hurt. Now, 4 months later, I am wondering about dating again. My girls have already told me that they never want that to happen. Any advice?
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: sharona328
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 9:33pm

What happened with your children is the reason why therapists recommend that you should never introduce your boyfriends to your children until they are a keeper/ready to marry.

Whenever a relationship does not work out, I look at what part I played in the drama and what I can be aware of, how I can be different, what areas I need to grow in before I move on to the next relationship.

I invite you to do the same. You were part of this relationship equation. Why did you choose this guy? How does that relate to your past lovers and your family-of-origin/father? What do you need to change in order to have a healthier relationship next time?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
In reply to: sharona328
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 9:35pm

Hi Sharona,

Sorry to hear of your misfortune. That is most disheartening. Any breakup is a bummer, even when we know the guy is MrWrong. It is just a bummer.

Anyway, none of us can afford to never try for love just because we were jilted. I think now is the time to teach your children about the reality of relationships and life. Everyone is going to let us down at some point or another. Even us as parents who love our children dearly let them down sometimes. And people do all sorts of things for their own gain in a relationship - in this case the man pursued what he deemed better happiness with someone else. Is it right? Maybe not. But it is what he did.

If you didn't ever want to get hurt you would have to live a very sheltered life. And that is a far worse state, in my humble opinion, than taking a risk with dating. I think we cal all educate ourselves to lower the risk, but in the end it is a risk. And you need to spend time breathing the same air with the person to deem if he is worthy of you.

Also, our kids are important. While I believe you should wait til the dust settles to introduce a potential partner to the kids, at some point you have to introduce them and see how they interact so you can see if their are suitable for you. An impatient mean person should get outed right away. I think the key is knowing when to introduce the SO and how long to allow them to interact - hopefully not so soon that the kids become attached prematurely.

So I would be frank and explain that when you fall off the horse you have to get back on when you are ready. Maybe there is a red flag you overlooked or something you saw that you would do differently the next time around? Each relationship teaches us something new about ourselves and the person we want to be with.

It is great you found us - I welcome you - and hope the others will chime in. We hope you stick around.