When to divulge pertinent information?
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| Wed, 08-16-2006 - 9:10pm |
Ok, so I'm dating again. I know, I said I'd take a break, but I need the distraction to keep me from going certifiably insane over xbf. Plus, I'm doing it online, so it's not like I'm taking it very seriously. For once in my life I am just going to date casually and see what happens. No stress, no worries and no freaking out about the future. I'm just going to take it as it comes.
But, since I am totally naive about dating (according to a good friend of mine and I have to agree with her), I'm not sure when or how to divulge the following bits of information to a man I'm dating:
1. That I work with my ex-boyfriend. Is this even necessary to admit? It kinda feels like lying if I don't say anything. But it spells B A G G A G E and D R A M A. Telling him too soon might scare him off.
2. That I'm a "bible thumper", meaning that I pray everyday, go to church and have a personal relationship with Jesus. Of course, I can't date anyone who is turned off by that, and preferably my perfect guy will feel the same way. However, I understand that not every Christian is as devout as I am and this will turn a lot of guys away. I'd rather know right away before too much time is invested. But, on the other hand, this doesn't seem like first or second date material.
3. In the same vain as #2, that I am a born again virgin and will not have sex until I'm married. I don't want to wait until the "moment" comes up before I spring this on him, after all I am human and may not find it so easy once I'm in the situation (this is all new to me. I made my committment just a few days before xbf and I broke up). But when to say it? First date? Second? Third? I know the public conscensus seems to be that you should have sex on the third date, but not for me. Most people don't understand my convicitions or why I've recommitted my life to celebacy.
4. And finally, how do I warn a man I'm dating that even though I appear fit and trim, underneath my clothes I have saggy boobs and skin and horrible stretch marks. Of course, I can keep this from him since I won't be having sex with him, but imagine his surprise on our wedding night. Ok, I'm thinking too far ahead. But seriously, assuming the no sex thing isn't the issue, how do you warn a potential lover about something like that?
That's it, I'm done being obsessive for the moment ;) Thanks, all!

I would put this list into a priority order.
The most important one to me is the religious interest - somehow you can write/say/communicate that importance from the beginning. And that you are a single mom.
The born again virgin conversation can wait until the subject of dating exclusively comes into play. If he is trying to put moves on you on the first or second date, chances are that is all he wants. I actually know a few people with this objective and also who are virgins in their 20s. It is not a big deal when it is the right person.
The exbf - leave that one out. Get over him so it is not baggage and drama. Be nice. See that he is not the one. Are you still trying to find a better job away from him?
The stretch marks are not that big of a deal unless you plan to be a swimsuit model. I am sure you can find attractive under attire that minimizes that!! And most guys don't really care so much about the visuals. They want a good person who matches them on many levels.
What about what YOU want? Have you made a list about that? I would advise making a list on what you want and don't want - and sticking to it. It would be interesting if your xbf would still fit it!!
Good luck and keep us posted. Glad to see you are getting out there - the only concern I have is that you are not quite over your exbf and are striking out there more for vengeance than for what you really need and deserve. Be careful about that.
Oooh, good idea about making a list. I already know that xbf would not fit it at all. But it is something I intend to do now :) Great tips on the other stuff, too!
And yes, I have to admit that I am doing it for vengeance. I feels so good to know that I'm not moping over him anymore - and more importantly that HE knows it. I casually mentioned to him the other day that I'm dating again. I told him I don't want to be angry anymore, I want to get on with my life and if he doesn't want me then I'm ready to find someone who does want me, and who will love me for who I am. And I haven't been quiet when talking to other co-workers about potential dates I'm lining up (NO ONE knows I'm OLD and I'd just DIE if they found out!) Xbf has been really upset over this, more than I thought he'd be. He's skulking around work like I was doing last week, giving ME dirty looks, etc. There's this horrible shallow part of me that wants to say "see, you messed up, now I'm moving on. So, too bad!" :P
So, no, it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to the people I'll date, but like I said, I'm keeping it casual. I can't just waste away alone and miserable, pining for someone who doesn't want me and probably never will. I've already gained 2 pounds from all the ice cream I've been inhaling. And for the first time in a year I'm not thinking about xbf EVERY moment. And I'm not letting this take me away from being a mom. They all know right from the start that I'm a single mom, I have my kids 50% of the time, so when they are with me it is all about them.
And yes, I am still looking for another job, but more by just keeping my eyes open. My field is slow right now, so I'm lucky to still have the job that I have. Switching to another company could be very risky, so I'm treading carefully.
I agree with West, and I particularly like her suggest to make a list of what you want.
>>>So, no, it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to the people I'll date, but like I said, I'm keeping it casual.<<<
I was thinking about this statement this morning, and I had some thoughts.
Okay, you are really starting to freak me out! How is that you can put into to words what is going on in my life and you don't really know me? What you said about how I'll meet a guy and he'll like me for who I am now, but I'll be different in 6 months - that is EXACTLY what my therapist said to me a year ago. How wierd! And now that I think about it, I think that contributed big time to my relationship with xbf. But it reverse. I was really confident and independent in the beginning, sort of putting on an act because I thought that is what he wanted, but as I became more comfortable I started to rely on him more for my emotional health, which made me needy. And I'm thinking that's my pattern. I talked to this guy last night on the phone for an hour and I was confident and witty and exactly the person I WANT to be, but I know I'm not there yet. I know once I feel comfortable with him, I'll be needy again because that is the point I'm at in my life.
And what you said about your how x would have matched your list at first, but not later, that is what it was with my xbf. I think we were both playing a role in the beginning.
I thought I could keep it casual, but I have to be honest with myself - I can't. After I got off the phone with that guy last night I couldn't just put it out of my head and go about my business. I had to obsess about it and laid in bed for hours tossing and turning, unable to get my mind off of him. I can alread see myself going down that path and getting involved in another horrible relationship that I'm not ready for. Thanks for pointing that out to me.
So where do I go from here? Maybe I'll go out with this guy this weekend. I am so inexperienced on the dating front. I was married for eight years, then there was xbf and very few prospects between. I really feel like it is something I need to try, even if just to give me the experience, because the lack of it is what makes me feel needy and undersocialized and incapable of being in a relationship. But, as you advised, I will proceed with caution. And I'm seriously thinking about returning to therapy, as well. Thank you :O)
You are just a "work in progress" is all (that is really what we all are, just in different stages of progress).