When do U start discussing your problems

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
When do U start discussing your problems
14
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 6:50am

as a single parent?
As most of you know, I have had quite a few problems lately. A guy I was writing too for a few months asked me what has been wrong lately, because I don't seem to happy in my mails. I told him I had quite a bit on my plate and then he said, well, we're pen pals, so that is what I'm here for; to be a friend and lend a ear. Sooooooooooooo. I did and boy did I! He knows nothing about what's been going on in my life. He only knows the funny stuff that we talked about, but nothing about me and how I lived and as you know I had/have a few things going on, but he never knew he was going to be hit like a bomb with my email.

I told him about my custody battle that just came up with Nina's Dad on Monday, that the child support didn'T come in, that I am behind in my bills, about the car that I had an accident, the heating problem I had, the kids and my mom who were sick. Then I said, and this has only been happening the last 5 weeks. That everything just seems overwhelming at the moment for me and I thanked him for asking. I also wrote him and said, I am just telling you what's been going on in my life, but I don't expect you to fix it or solve a problem or feel bad because you don't know what to say. I think I just had to get it off my chest and that helped.

He wrote back: You totally overwhelmed me and I don't know what to say. Couldn't you have avoided opening your vault totally and been a bit more moderate? I didn't want to hear all your problems.

Never mind what I wrote back, but...........

Ok, I admit, I have a few whoppers, but he asked, I told. So, this isn't a relationship, this was just someone I've been writing too for some time, that defined himself as a friend.

My question is now targeted on a dating and relationship basis only.

As a single parent we usually have up to 80% of us have soul custody of our children and it can get extremely overwhelming, when do you tell this to your date? A person usually doesn't want to hear a someone's problems layed out in front of them until they think they might be serious with them, but when is that? What is the golden rule to this?

Of course we all know the first, second or even third, up until at least the first month of dating you should not discuss this sort of thing. But how long do you give it, before you start telling him/her, "I have problems, with my house, job, kids, etc, etc." or even to just discuss them on a normal basis to just be heard, but not solved. When do you start opening up and showing them that though I am fun to be with, but their is more to me and I would like to open up and not act like everything is cherry when it's not always the case?

And another question: How do you go about it?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 9:20am

Catherine,

You poor thing - you are truly stretched with all of that. Is Nina's father going to be okay with you going to the states?

I think this pen pal guy wasn't ready to hear all of it. That says nothing about you. A pen pal relationship can only do so much - and he is in combat right now - right? Perhaps he had this ballooned image of you and your letter popped that? I don't think you should take it too hard on this one and you did need to vent. To continue or not continue writing is up to you - if it does something good for you then why not?

I have a few thoughts on this. Just my two cents about what I would do.

I think that before I would start a new relationship, I would want to somewhat have my ducks in a huddle. I would work hard and try to solve them as best I could. I know that when my business is having a slow month and I am behind in the bills, that I want to do nothing else besides hunker down at this computer and do something about it (meaning reworking the budget, bringing in new business, doing work).

Secondly, a new relationship is just that - new - and it is very fragile in my opinion. You have to filter and edit the info you present. The person should know the basics up front - yes you are a single mom, your interests, your work, where you are from, what you like, stuff like that. But right off the bat they do not need to know that the kids and grandmom were sick and the heat is off and the car was wrecked. Those are history and hopefully, although they really stressed you at the time, they are now solved. As for the child support and finances, that is not really relevant at this time when you are meeting someone new.

I think that a sound relationship starts off slowly and it unfolds slowly and steadily like a beautiful flower. At each stage you both decide whether or not to go on. And as you go on, you develop trust. And you can tell each other more.

To me, the info about the money and child support is not relevant unless you are talking marriage. Then you must be honest.

But in the mean time you have to figure a way to make ends meet so you will not be so stressed and you can focus on yourself and finding someone. I know you are working hard and doing all you can. And I do wish you well with that.

One of the best things I read about relationships and what to tell was here:

Ways to Blow a Relationship from the Start
A reader of the Relationship Coach Newsletter wrote in with the following question: What do you do when you've done a lot of work and attracted a lovely person and now you're terrified you're going to blow it? Or, terrified it's going to end.

In response, here is a list of top 10 ways to blow it in a relationship right from the start.

1. Assume the person is your soul mate immediately upon meeting or shortly thereafter. Look for signs that faith has brought you together and be amazed by the correlations in your lives.

2. Forget about your life, your friends, your self care. When you have a soul mate, why would you need a life outside of the relationship?

3. Reveal everything, and test your partner with your worst behavior. Let it all hang out. After all, if he or she is truly your soul mate, he or she will love you no matter what.

4. Have sex right away. If you are meant to be together for a lifetime, might as well get started on the fun part right away.

5. Ignore anything about your partner that does not mesh with your values, lifestyle, belief system. True love can conquer such insignificant differences.

6. Do lots of drama together. Job, family, life crisis are a great way to establish a relationship and test if you are meant to be together.

7. Spend as much time together as possible. When it's true love, you can't bear to let your partner out of your sight.

8. Ignore behavior that crosses your boundaries or hurts your feelings. It's true love, so it's OK.

9. Lavish a huge amount of attention on your partner or expect a huge amount of attention to be lavished on you. How else would you act if you finally found your soul mate?

10. Push the relationship forward and demand that it go deeper, in spite of where your partner is emotionally. You have the right to have the relationship be exactly how you want it to be and your soul mate owes you that.

http://www.whatittakes.com/RelationshipInfo/waystoblowit.html

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:08am

No, no, this guy isn't battle or otherwise. We've meet through mutual friends per a fun mail. We've just been emailing back and forth for sometime now almost everyday, but I have no interest to go beyond that. I have no interest in him. I was always sending something funny, etc and then we would talk a little about this and that and I kind of started not writing so much with everything going on. So he said he wanted to know what was up, so I told him. LOL.

The question still remains:

How long do you wait to tell a guy that you are dating the things that are going on in your life. Of course when your in a relationship you want to make sure your ready for one. I know at this point in my life I have NO interest with all that's going on to be in a relationship. But let's assume, I had started dating a guy for a month or more and all the things that are happening now to me started happening while I was in the relationship. Would you talk about it or how much would you talk about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:11am

Denial!

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:16am

When I started dating my bf he was just about to begin the trial portion of a 2-year long custody battle. He didn't tell me anything about it on the first date. On the second date he mentioned that there was a custody battle, he had an attorney and was fighting to keep his ex from moving out of state. He gave me bits and pieces of information over the next few months, nothing that overwhelmed me. He seemed to have it under control. When he got the letter that the court date was set he disappeared for a few days (no phone, no IM - at that point we had been IM'ing daily). After a few days I sent him an IM that just said "Are you okay?" and then he told me the court date was set. I knew he was terrified, it was so obvious, he didn't have to say it. From then on he would give me details usually after the fact. He was more likely to tell me what had happened in court, than to tell me what his attorney thought might happen or what he feared would happen. Most of the time he kept the burden on him (meaning he dealt with all the issues/decisions himself) and just kept him informed as things progressed.

This isn't exactly what you were asking, and it's from the guy's perspective. I don't have sole custody, but I do follow my bf's lead in discussing custody issues with him. If I have a problem I don't call him up and ask him what to do about it, I figure it out myself and deal with it, and then it may come up in conversation later (to which he will interject his opinion if he thinks I should have done something different, I will listen and I may or may not take his advice, or he may just comment on what a pain dealing with an ex is).

Of course, I don't have major issues to deal with, and some of the reason my bf and I don't get involved in helping each other with our problems is that we aren't merging our lives or planning a future (yet). I am sure if we were living together or married we would be more involved in some of the daily co-parenting issues just because it couldn't be avoided. If you are standing right there when something happens, you are going to help the other person out or give advice. The only way my bf knows if something happened with my ex is if I call up and tell him, and I don't make it a point to do that.

Edit: I do remember a time when I was at my bf's house and my ex called and my dd was hysterical. My ex said dd was missing me and put her on the phone. She was unintelligable and I did my best to tell her it was okay. Then my ex said he had to go and hung up on me. I was sooo upset and my bf said he can't do that to me, he has to learn how to deal with dd's feelings when she's there (be the parent) and then my bf just sat with me on the couch for a while. (Later I did call back and dd was okay, and it never happened again after that). Another time I was arriving at my bf's house right after he got off the phone and was fighting with his ex about that week's visiation. He was so angry he just vented and I rubbed his back until he eventually calmed down. So I guess there have been times that we did help each other out.

I think the pen-pal thing is weird. He said he was there for you and asked you to dump on him. You did (and told him that it was helpful) and he put you down for it. That's not really fair of him, and certainly not reasonable. All he had to say was "That is a lot you have to deal with and I don't know what to say." He could have just left it at that. Instead he tried to make you feel bad for letting it all out, and that shows he cares more about his feelings than yours. It reminds me of one of my ex-h's friends. He said once that if he ever had a child he would not be in the deliver room because it would be too *difficult* for him to see his wife in all that pain. He had no concern for what his wife would be going through, or that it would be harder for her to go through it alone, he only cared about how it would make him feel. That is a very immature and selfish perspective to have on things.




Edited 3/10/2005 11:10 am ET ET by firstamendment

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 10:57am

My first response IS directed toward your rather unsympathetic unkind pen pal. Here you've been keeping things back for some time, to "protect" him (for unknown reasons) and he ASKS you very specifically to share with him. You do, and then he says he can't handle it? What a weenie.


On the question as it pertains to single mom's and dating, I don't think I've EVER held any of the struggles back. They weren't as varied as your's generally speaking (you poor dear!) but if someone's with me, he knows my basic life issues. He doesn't know my deep dark everythings, but my day to day joys and trials and hope and fears? Yeah, that comes out. How? Um...I don't know. I guess just in conversation.


He says "How was your day?" I would say "OH, it was GREAT. I had a good work day, got home and found a child support check in the mail. Don't get those often. And then my son had a good report from school and now I am out on a fun date withOUT my child. I can't see it getting much better!"


OR


"It sucked. I did NOT have a good work day. the mail had BILLS (one of which was a medical bill my son's dad is supposed to pay, legally speaking) and NO child support (which would have helped with said bill) and then I got a bad report from my son's teacher on his school behavior. PLEASE get me a drink immediately and I'll be ok. LOL"


See? Every day discussion. If he can't hack that, then he doesn't belong with me.


(That being said, of course I found a man who was RAISED by a single mom, so he knows the trials and tribulations and has always understood and wanted to hear about it. No explanation necessary)

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:35am

I said: You asked, I told. Too bad it wasn't petty enough for you. You've just made me realize your true colors. bye.

I like the explanations you gave! Thanks, that's a help. I always thought that it worked that way, but it's been so long since I was in a relationship with anyone that has ever asked me how my day way and really wanted to know. Now I drew a blank. I think after a certain amount of chit chat, if a man is really into you, then he'll ask about you and your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 11:48am

West:

Thanks for posting the list of 10 ways to blow a new relationship. I especially agree with 10. I've lived through this one. Pushing never works, period. If it's meant to be, it will be. I was more eager for things to progress in our relationship the first time I dated Mark. Now this second time around, I've taken a totally different attitude, and things are just progressing on their own, with no pushing, scheming, plotting on my part. They just are -- which is great. Things I used to stress about before and just being taken care of without stress on my part. The important point here is that when you relax and let things happen, you have a lot more fun than if you stress about every little thing.

I also agree that too much time together in the beginning can be a bad thing. Everyone needs time and space. If a man feels too overwhelmed or suffocated, I think he will bolt.

As for the soulmate thing, I used to be believe in it. I thought my exh was my soulmate, and I was obviously wrong. I'm not sure if I believe in that whole concept any more. But if I allow myself to think that way, I would have to say that I think Mark would be pretty close. But it's kind of silly, so I've never said anything about that to him. I know in my heart exactly how I feel about him, he just doesn't know it -- the time isn't right yet for me to "lay down all my cards". I defintely believe in timing and holding back until the time is right.

Lastly, I agree with 8. Never hide or ignore your feelings. They never go away, and will only cause resentment. Years of counseling taught me that.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2005
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 12:07pm

He did ask, if he can't handle it he needs to not "act" like he's a good shoulder to lean on.


If I have something going badly, I say it...Not to people I just met, but to friends...and he sounded like he thought he was a friend to you. It's his issue, not yours.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 3:00pm

Cat:

I agree with Becky and Candy about this pen pal not being a very good friend. He asked, and he got the truth. He couldn't handle it, so it's his problem, not yours. He's probably one of those fair-weather friends -- wants to hear the good stuff, but not the bad stuff. I wouldn't waste my time venting to him any more.

As for your questions, the day-to-day problems of being a single mom kind of just come up in a conversation - like "how was your day" (like Becky said). I don't purposesly try to hide things, but I don't always want to talk about bad things. Unfortunately, I'm real transparent, and people can usually tell then something is wrong. I volunteer the information if it is asked for. Things aren't always perfect, but that's just life -- whether you have kids or not. I believe in honesty if a person is willing to listen. If you can tell that they really don't care, then it's not worth talking about.

In my day-to-day dealings with Mark, I do tell him a lot of things, but that is because he will ask, and genuinely wants to hear what I have to say. He wanted me to tell him what the cryosurgery procedure was like. I said he didn't really want to know that, but he really did. I explained it to him, and I'm not really sure he understood it all, but I know he said he wanted to know and he listened when I told him. When I compare my present relationships with my past ones, I can defintely say that Mark and I have no problems communicating. We have a "if you want to know, ask me" policy -- and it goes both ways. So since he wanted to know, I'm truthful and I don't sugar coat it. It is what it is. As for your question about the timing, I think that comes when you've been with someone a couple of months and you have developed trust and a sense of whether he really wants to listen to you or is asking to be polite (huge difference).

As far as discussing my past, I do things a little differently now. I used to divulge too much information to my SO, and I think it was overwhelming. In fact, I read an article here on IVillage about that not being a good thing to do. I don't volunteer a lot of information about my past. I'll answer a question, but I'm careful about telling too many details. Mark knows about my exbf and my little sister, but does he know every last gorey detail? -- no, and there's no reason he needs to know all that. I don't like dwelling on my past; I like moving forward. Everyone has a past, but I don't believe we need to live in the past or keep dragging it up.

Donna

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Thu, 03-10-2005 - 3:47pm

Amen Sister! Hey darlin, tried to call you, but you weren't home. Did you hear the life long message? LOL. Anyway, how are YOU doing today?

Miss you greatly,

Catherine

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