When do you take the check; how often??

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
When do you take the check; how often??
5
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 9:20am
Ok, so Mr. History and I have been dating for a few weeks now and he has been shelling out money for me left and right. I start having GUILTY conscious EVERYTIME a guy that I have a relationship with, takes me out all the time and spends money like water. I just hate the fact that he's always paying everything from drinks, to movies, outtings, dinner, etc. etc. I know it's part of the whole courtship, but I always end up paying once the week something. My girlfriends think I am NUTS, but I just have a very difficult time, knowing that each time we go out that he's shelling at least 50, but usually more if we are doing several things throughout the day.
It makes me feel uncomfortable after awhile. So sometimes I tend to take the lead and just pay something once the week. Last week, I paid for appetizers and drinks and this week I paid for drinks and dinner. Mr. History seems so appreciative about it everytime and last night he at first made a comment that he didn't like me being sneaky about the check and and then he said, I could have split that with you and I said, NO, it's finally my turn to treat you. But I could tell I scored some major brownie points.
With M, I would do a little too much, since I often involved ALL children. I won't do that again. But I was curious to know when do you finally just take the lead? And how often? I know I won't do more then once the week, because I can't afford to do it. Unless of course, it's majorly minor. But how do you ladies do it?


Edited 7/17/2007 9:25 am ET by myprecioustwo
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Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:01am

With Hiker and I, he pays for pretty much everything. It's taken me a bit to get used to- but when we first started out dating, I kind of went with the old-fashioned train of thought and just LET him pay. I didn't even offer to split or help when the check came. I figure that if he asked me out, then he would pay. And it's worked for us.

Now, don't think that I just sit back and mooch meals and movies from him! There are many times when I will say to him that I will buy the movie if he buys the dinner. And he's okay with that. But he won't ever let me buy both the movie AND the dinner. Thankfully, he is old-fashioned enough to want to pay because he is the man and he is the one taking me out. (I love that- not the "me getting" part- but the "he's old fashioned" part.)

There are times when I will tell him that I appreciate him for all the times we've gone out- and I will offer to buy him dinner, and let him pick the place. I will simply treat him, but I make it known ahead of time. I don't just jump on it when the check comes, without discussion first. But most of the time, we don't discuss who pays, and he will take care of it. No splitting the bills. It's either he buys or I do- and most of the time it's him.

I think I might buy a meal once every 2-3 months. And he is completely okay with that. I'm not trying to compete with him, I'm not trying to take away his pleasure of treating me, I'm not trying to "make us equal" like a woman libber... and it just WORKS for us. He's a man, he buys, I'm a woman and I graciously accept. But I treat him to gifts (like a sports tshirt or a CD, chocolate, whatever) on occasion to tell him thank you. I treat him with a meal out of the blue (no birthday or holiday as a reason- just to say thank you). I might take him to a concert. And I never get the sense that he doesn't like the "system" we have going. It's just plain NICE and easy and comfortable.

When we make trips together, he seems to plan on paying for it all, and never brings it up about "your half" of the total. Just like when I make a trip and invite him, I never bring up "his half" of the bill (hotel, food, gasoline, etc). I figure that if I can't cover it, I won't invite him to come with me. But when he makes plans for these trips (especially the ones that I KNOW is a bit expensive)- I will ask what it costs for the flight- and offer to pay him back. And what he usually does is ask for only part of it. I think he would rather not me try to 'pay my own way' but he also knows that if I offer, he could graciously accept that too- but he will make it a portion of what the exact half will be. In fact, we are planning a trip to New Orleans coming up- and it will be around $300 for one round trip flight. I asked him what I owe him for my flight- and he told me $150. What about the other leg of the flight?? He's covering that. And the hotel and food and whatever. He never asks for a 'cut' to help pay for stuff- but if I offer, he will accept. But he still won't let me pay even half of the total- but something less.

I'm not saying that our way is THE way- but just that it works for us. I just know I've never had a relationship where this money issue is SO easy and flows so well. A place where the man doesn't get offended if I offer to pay, and he doesn't get offended if I DON'T offer to pay. It just works for us, and I'm thankful for that, big time! It makes things easier- and one less area of debate, like I've encountered in other relationships in the past. Fighting over money issues is such a relationship killer.

As far as casual dating goes- I tend to want to pay my own way if I'm not really interested in the man romantically. It's like a weird signal to me if I'm on a date... that if I feel uncomfortable with the man paying for everything, then there is some reason in my gut that is warning me about him. Like I don't want to end up "owing" him anything (and I'm not talking about that man-buys-meal,-gets-sex thing)- but I don't even want to feel like I owe him another date or more of my time. That, to me- if a huge warning sign, if I start to feel that way. If I'm really into the man, then I won't mind him paying, because I know that I would want to return the favor somewhere down the line- and that I'd want there to BE a 'somewhere down the line' because I'd want to see him more. If I don't really want to see him again (or might not really care to), then I'd rather settle the deal then- and pay my own way. Does that even make sense? Well, it does to me. And it also gives me a great internal gauge as to how I might feel about seeing the man again.

If I don't like the guy, then I won't want the 'gift' of the date meal... just let me buy my own.

I guess one of my Love Languages might be gift-giving (even though I've never thought of myself that way- interesting discovery here!)- because to accept someone's gift, it would mean possibly accepting their love- and if I don't like the guy, I don't want that gift.

Sorry this got so long... I'm rambling this morning.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

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Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 10:45am

It depends. When I have dated a man with a LOT of money, I let him pay for everything. And when I have dated a man who has the same or less money, I let him pay for most things but I kick in on trips and big evenings out - like I might pay for movie tickets or coffee/dessert or buy us a beer.

I cook GREAT meals so I do cook for them - and I really love cooking - especially when I have someone special to cook for - that is fun for me!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:05am
I had to put hearts, because I loved the ramble. Makes perfect sense. The last two places where I paid, is because I knew I could afford it. LOL. I know he knows that with the children my budget is soo tight, so I knew if I told Mr. History in advance, he would make sure I didn't pay for it. I know it's his gesture to me and I accept it and I thank him for all he does, but then I let him know that my gesture to him is my way of appreciating him too. It's nothing in comparison but it's not the amount, but the thought. Right?
I am learning more about other things that I think I can do in exchange. Like he absolutely loves chocolate, so I think I might just get him some every so often, to let him know I remember. He loves certain Italian food that I actually know how to make very well, but he only gets it in the restaurant because he can't cook, but loves it. So I think I'll cook him something that I know he'll enjoy.
With M and with others, I just went overboard and I soon realized I was nuts for getting into that. I know that Mr. History is HUGE on old tradition; opening doors (cars, restaurants, etc), waiting to sit until I am seated, holding everything heavy and making sure I carry nothing. LOL. Anyway, I know if I did too much, it would bother him, so I will continue to do what I have been doing and letting him know I also appreciate him.


Edited 7/17/2007 11:07 am ET by myprecioustwo
Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 11:32am
I LOVE cooking too! I am going to have to ask you for a few recipes sometime. I love the stuff that you always dish up! :)
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Registered: 09-01-2006
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 1:36pm

Great thread! Well I too want to be sure to show my appreciation by picking up the check every now and then.
We went away for a weekend. He paid for the theatre tickets and the hotel, he drove etc. So I picked up almost all of our meals. He paid for drinks at night and he bought me some art as a gift for my new house (the gift was a little over the top for me but he really wanted to do it).
He automatically pulls out his credit card to pick up the tab so it does require a bit of negotiation at times.
When we have the chance to spend an evening together, we usually stay at his place so I often pick up a nice bottle of wine to enjoy. He is in a line of work that provides him with an expense account he can use for some meals (not all) and drinks as well as event tickets such as concerts etc. So I never sweat those occasions, but I do try to show that I have no expectation for him pick up the tab.
It can be a tricky balancing act.
I think that as long as make the gesture, that is what counts. For those guys that are old fashioned, then as long as you accept their generousity graciously, then that is all that the likely want or expect.

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs