When do you tell your date about childre

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Registered: 03-25-2002
When do you tell your date about childre
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Mon, 10-02-2006 - 12:09pm

So, when do you tell your date that you have children? First date, Second, Third or beyond.

I'm new to getting back into dating. I've been on several first dates that usually don't lead to a second or third. But recently I have gone out twice with someone and am wondering when I should tell him that I have children. I figured if it mattered that he would ask and since I haven't volunteer the info does that mean I'm being deceptive or dishonest.

Thoughts are appreciated.

Loonybunny

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 1:03pm

Personally, I usually make sure someone knows before I even go on the first date.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:08pm

I tell people I have kids WAAAY before there even IS a date. I can't hide my kids, nor should I be hiding my kids. And if a guy can't accept the fact that I have kids, or will refuse to go out with me because I have kids... then I'm saying "YAY!!!" because I wouldn't want to waste my time with a man who can't or won't date me for who I am. And part of who I am is being a Mom.

Don't ever hide the fact that you have kids.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 9:54pm

I haven't read ahead- but wow. Obviously when I'm meeting someone from OLD, he knows I have children.
When I agree to go on a date with someone from "real life", though, I don't just blindly say yes- I have to know a little about them, and vice versa. So, for me, I want to know if he has children, where he lives (general area), what he does (a general job description is fine), how old he is, his last name, whether he's divorced, single, whathaveyou, and he should know all of these things about me.
The whole "you're pretty/hot/have a nice smile/work somewhere I'm always at and seem single" thing just doesn't fly with me. If a man wants to date me, he'll have to make an effort to get to know me at least a little first.
That being said, my children are such a huge part of my life, and I honestly cannot imagine getting through a whole date without the guy even knowing they exist! If he didn't ask if I had children, that would be a sign to me that he didn't expect our relationship to go anywhere, except maybe a bedroom somewhere. Not gonna happen. If that were the case, my having kids would help weed out the guys just looking for sex, and I'd gladly volunteer the information.
I think if I went on three dates with someone and they never mentioned their children, I'd question their parenting. Not that I'm questioning yours. I'm just saying from a dating standpoint, I'd expect to be told fairly quickly. At the latest, I'd expect to know by the end of the first date.

Moody- who's also nosy.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 10-02-2006 - 10:42pm

I usually say something about my kids in the first conversation with a guy if I'm interested.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:31am

Okay so here's my fear about telling guys right up front... I think they will automatically think I'm interviewing for a new daddy. I don't want to think long term on a first or second date. Know what I mean... that doesn't mean I'm interested in sex, either. I just want to have a fun time with someone without putting pressure on myself or the other person.

Think of it this way... married couples when they go out sometimes promise NOT to talk about the kids or even work. Right? And that's kinda how I feel when I'm out on a date. I want to talk about relaxing, fun stuff ... not serious stuff. It's not a therapy session. I don't flat out lie, but I do sometimes hold back personal information.

So, I'll either tell this guy the next time we go out or if I don't then that's pretty telling about how NOT serious it is and that it's time to move on.

thanks everyone for the info. I think the more practice i get going out on dates and trying different ways of sharing personal info, the more I'll learn what's most comfortable for me. But I really hate airing dirty laundry (and I've got lots) on a first or second date. Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 1:06pm
I don't think you should air dirty laundry when you first start dating. If I did that I would never make it to a second date. But, our kids are not dirty laundry or an opportunity to have a free therapy session. I wouldn't waste one second on someone until they knew up front I had kids.
I am not sure how old you are and that might be why you are afraid guys might think you are interviewing for a Dad. But, I am not sure how you even get to know each other if the fact you have kids doesn't come up somehow in the conversation.
Stephanie
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 4:46pm

I have to agree with Steph... mentioning the fact that you have kids is not "airing dirty laundry", IMO. And just because you're being honest and clear up-front about having kids, would not come across as you interviewing for a Dad. If you started asking him many daddy-related types of questions all through your date, maybe! But to just tell a potential date that you have kids, that's not something to avoid or hide, and that wouldn't make it seem like you're fishing. There's a difference between telling a cute story about your kids, or asking the date what he thinks about your kids.

If you went on and on during an entire date about how your kids did this or that, then yes, that would be something I wouldn't recommend! But I can't see why you can't talk about non-serious topics and still let it be known that you have kids!

Like Steph implied... maybe I'm just coming from the viewpoint of someone older than you as well... and I don't understand why you'd be so worried about how guys would perceive your Mommyhood-ness. Maybe we're fishing in a totally different age-pool and if I was fishing in a young-20's pond, I guess I might find more guys 'running for the hills' than the men in the 40's pond.

But I still see the "guys running" aspect as a great way to weed out the unwanted ones right away. You don't want to date someone who is great with you only if he doesn't know about the kids. You want to date someone who knows about you and the kids, and is great with it. And you don't want to waste lots of time dating someone you have no possible future with because he doesn't want kids or a ready-made family, even if you're not wanting to get serious at the moment.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 6:58pm

I agree with Steph and Shrimpy, and I AM fishing in a 20's pond!

My kids are something I'm proud of, not something I'm trying to hide. And any man, of ANY age who isn't cool with that simply wouldn't be compatible with me. No matter what other wonderful things he had going for him, or how much fun he was.

That being said, my kids don't dominate the conversation, and I can honestly say I don't mention them during the first few dates other than maybe something simple... "I'd love to meet Thursday, but I'm not sure I can get a sitter. Let me check and get back to you." And if he doesn't ask any more details, I don't tell him, at least for a while.

Once we're on the date, I don't talk about them much, either, unless asked, because I HAVE kids and know how annoying it can be to listen to someone drone on and on about theirs.

There are quality men of every age who honestly won't care, especially in the first few dates. There are men who will embrace the thought of dating a woman with children. There are also men in every age group who simply don't want to be burdened, for whatever reason. They're entitled to feel like that, but you don't have to settle for one of these guys in order to have fun! Plenty of women without kids can have fun with those guys, and plenty of fun guys won't mind being with a woman with children.

Moody- who's a mom and fun all at the same time and all the time


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 7:12pm
I agree w/Shrimpy, the age factor probably plays a role in how men react, but there are younger guys who are totally cool w/ dating and becoming serious w/ a woman w/ kids. My niece is 23 and has a 2 yr old son (yes my sister's oldest grandkid is the same age as my youngest kid, LOL) and she is now seeing a guy (also 23) who is totally great w/ her son.
I always mention I have kids from the get go, and I have found that I not only need to tell guys in my 40-50 age bracket that I have kids, but also that my daughter is so young. Plenty of guys are fine with my teens, but want no part of getting involved with someone who will be actively raising a child for the next 16 years. My current BF met me when I was w/ my daughter so obviously she has never been an issue for him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 10-03-2006 - 10:09pm

I agree with Shrimps, Steph and Moody.

I bring it up right away in a fun positive manner. If they want to know more that is fine - but if not that is fine too - I have alot more to talk about than just being a mom.

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