When to introduce the kids your b/f?
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When to introduce the kids your b/f?
| Mon, 08-08-2005 - 9:12am |
Okay... here's my question: at what point do you introduce your kids to your boyfriend/girlfriend?
Quick background: My ex husband is just starting to date... and we're crossing that bridge. My situation is a little different as I started seeing a man who was my friend first, so my daughter already knows him and has met his children. But moving forward - if me & my boyfriend break up someday - or with my ex starting to date. I just don't want my daughter to get attached to someone who might be gone very soon, I also worry that meeting a bunch of different people that we're affectionate with could be confusing for her (she's 3).
TIA!!!
Kim

Your daughter already knows him as a friend and I'd leave it at that. She understands that he is your friend. She doesn't need to know that he holds the official title of "Boyfriend".
If you ever did break-up, your reaction would dictate her reaction to it. If you hid your emotions and acted like everything was all right, your daughter wouldn't be so sad over it.
I would personally not be affectionate in front of my dd unless it was serious and headed for marriage. I used to hug my x-bf goodbye in front of my dd, she was 4 then and would just give me this weird look. She would hug him goodbye though, and didn't have a problem with that.
The more time your little one spends around an SO the more likely she is to get attached IMHO. Infrequent visits are better until you know for sure it's serious and you feel okay with her getting attached. Also, the more involved the SO is in daily routine stuff, preparing dinner, playing, hanging out, etc., the more likely she is to get attached. If events are like special occasions, infrequent, going out to the movies, the park and things like that, she is also less likely to get attached. Every day or every other day visits will encourage attachment.
I was dating my x-bf for almost a year when he met my dd, I don't know how long my ex-h was dating his gf before he introduced them. I think my dd seems attached to my ex-h's gf but she has enough alone time with her dad (the gf doesn't live very close to them) that I'm sure she'd be okay if they broke up. My x-bf used to see my dd one day every other weekend and that went on for a few months. When he stopped coming around she was asked about him a few times, and was sad and missed him, but it was momentary sadness and we would talk about it and she was fine. My mom had two bf's while I was growing up (not at the same time, lol) and neither of them came around us much, hung out, ate dinner or did anything like help with homework. We saw them infrequently and when we did it was things like a day trip to the mountains to hike or ski, a short plane trip around the city (one of them was a pilot) and things like that. When my mom broke up with each of them I don't even think we noticed. My ex-h's mom had live in bf's and each time one of them left my ex-h was devastated because he was losing a friend and his only male role model. It had a lasting negative affect one the person he is today.
My daughter is 18 months old. My bf has a son the same age. When we are together, we do not kiss, or hold hands or anything. We are just friends. We try to make the outings with other kids and their parents as well, for example a birthday party, christening party etc. We also don't hang out a lot together so the attachment is at a minimum. We don't do sleepovers or anything that would confuse them.
Making friends and losing friends is a part of life, so I see this as a lesson to be learned too. I think it is a decision you and your bf make together.
Welcome!!
At 3 your daughter just needs to know that you and her dad are there for her. She does not need to know your social life and adult matters. You should do all you can to make her feel secure and keep your private life private until there is an imminent commitment meaning engagement.
I would keep your BF as a friend in her life - but do all you can for her not to see him too much so she doesn't get too attached.
People do come and go in our lives and children need to see that. But at the same time we need to minimize the impact of this, especially when we are divorced.
I hope this helps - I am sure you will get more good advice, too.
when me and my boyfriend started dating my son was almost three and they met after a couple of months we would all be together for the weekends but my son didnt see him during to week and up to when we moved in together i really didnt feel that my son was that attached to him (which surprised me cause my sons father isnt around) i felt that if we broke up he might have asked where he was but it wouldnt bother him if he was gone we dated a year before we moved in togther now my son is four and very attached but we are getting engaged( we have discused it and he wants the proposal to be a surprise) we plan on getting married next summer.
just move at your own pace and your daughter will follow your lead
I've been dating now for 5 years now.