When Is It Finished?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
When Is It Finished?
7
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 2:55am

I'm so confused right now for some reason and I really don't know or understand why. My ex husband, or husband as of right now, is truly a horrible person, when it comes to me and my dd. I don't want him back in any way, shape, or form. However, now that I have to see him twice a week for class all I can do is think about him. I keep thinking that if we were together we could be doing all of this together. We could be studying together and laughing together and taking care of our dd together. In reality none of this would happen. We wouldn't be in the class for one thing. Circumstances occurred which made me take a long look at the path my "career" was taking so I joined the class. New job opportunities are coming about that never would have if I were still with him. We wouldn't be laughing and having good times with each other either. He would still be mentally, emotionally, and physically abusing me, not to mention cheating on me as well. He wouldn't be helping take care of dd, it would still all be on me with no help from him whatsoever. I would still be relying on him for basically everything and nothing would be as it is now. I wouldn't be as independent as I am nor as happy (as I'm trying to be -which gets easier each day). I just can't help but wonder when I see him. I can't help but feel guilty in many many ways either and I don't know why. I didn't cause this. It takes two to have a divorce, but it takes two to keep a marriage together too, and I tried 150% with him. So why do I feel so guilty? Why do I want to talk to him, etc? Why do I dream about him? I swear I don't want him back nor would I take him back if the opportunity presented itself...I just don't understand these feelings I'm having right now. I think none of this would be happening if I didn't have to see his face 2 nights a week...but I do. Why am I hashing over all the "what if's" again?

Just confused I guess...

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 4:34pm
I think what you're feeling is normal. You wonder what if he would have been a good man, what only could have been ? I have those moments too, then reality comes slapping me in the face and I come back to earth. My ex really pissed me off last night, He dosen't help me or cooperate in any way shape or form with his dd. I choose my battles wisely though, and I didn't fight with him. If I ever do get a warm, fuzzy feeling for him, trust me he destroys it all on his own. The reality is that my ex and your ex will never change, but the great thing is that we did. Hang in there Kait, it will get better as time goes on.
You just have to develop your faith and have patience.
The T Girl
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 10-26-2005 - 8:20pm

I think what you are feeling and experiencing with these thoughts is totally normal for someone going through a divorce. It is part of the process of grief and getting over a bad event.


I think in this case you are experiencing denial - why does this have to happen? Why can't we be happy and work through it.


But you already know the answer. He is not going to change and he is abusive. You cannot project your feelings for what you want on him - he is not capable of giving it to you.


So you have to save yourself and your dd.


This may seem hard. But put those thoughts out of your head and keep moving forward - away from him - and towards a better life for you.


Hugs!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 12:14am

Kait,


It IS perfectly normal for you to be feeling this way.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 1:25am

I know it's normal to feel this way, I guess. However, I thought I was over the whole thing, including him. I didn't have these thoughts about him, I didn't care about him whatsoever. I mean, I did this whole thing during the beginning of our divorce, that one of the reasons I tried to make it work out with him again. I kept holding on to the what if's and the hopes and dreams. However, when I made him leave the last time, I felt a sense of closure. When I would talk to him or see him I had no feelings at all for him. I was completely indifferent. It just seems like I still would be if I didn't have to be subjected to seeing his rotten face during class; hearing his voice and seeing him snuggle up with the "ho-bag" he cheated on me with. It's not that I want him back either...I just can't stand this longing to have what I was supposed to have. And maybe that's it...maybe I'm not mourning the loss of him and the marriage, maybe I'm just mourning the fact that I wanted for someone to love me as much as I loved them, and it didn't pan out like all the fairy tales said it would...

so much for disney...lol

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 11:15am

Sometimes closure isn't the closed, locked door you thought it was.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 10-27-2005 - 9:33pm

It will take you some time to get over this. I have been divorced for over 4 years now - and this has been the first year I have really not gotten sad or had what I call a "divorce storm" - where something reminds me of the pain of my marriage and gets me upset.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Sat, 10-29-2005 - 10:00pm
Kait,
Just wanted to let you know that you are truly not alone. I went through an abusive marraige too, and am in the process of a dv right now. I think the only time I think about him is when I feel overwhelmed and need space from taking care of the kids 24/7. He is now off on his own, new apt. in a young 'singles' complex(he's 44, btw)...tells the kids when they're there he likes to look at the girls in their bikinis (ewwww! and dd says the same thing to when she tells me, my son just tells him "that's gross dad") he he.
Anyway, hang in there, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just concentrate on your child and yourself.....ignore the stbx, he's not worth your time or effort. That's what I keep reminding myself to do. Hang in there!