When kids meet new man?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2006
When kids meet new man?
6
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 9:59am

Good morning everyone, I'm new to the board and have a question about dating and introducing kids to the man in my life. My husband and I have been seperated for almost a year now (actually, almost two years, but we briefly last year gave it "one more" try). Our divorce is not final, but the kids don't realise that, they think we have been divorced. My kids are 16, 14 and 10. I always said I would not bring a man into their lives unless he was someone I was serious about etc... I've been seeing this man for three months now and didn't really expect for us to become as close as we have. He has never been married and doesn't have children. About a month ago I mentioned to my two oldest that I was dating and that there was one man in particular I was seeing. My oldest, who is a boy, was like 'whatever.' My daughter (14) was not as happy. She told me she didn't care if I was dating, but he was not to pick me up at the house, she did not want to meet him. I told her that was okay, and we would take it slowly.

She told me last week she had thought about it and thought it would be nice if he came over for my birthday dinner. She said she would rather he come over here than us go out. My friend was actually happy to hear she had come around and is really looking forward to coming over now for my dinner.

Well, (sorry I know this is too long)a few days later I asked the ten year old (boy) what he would think if I went out. He asked 'you mean like on a date?' When I said yes he started crying and didn't want to talk about it. Now, he tends to be a drama queen about every little thing. But, I'm wondering if I should recind the dinner invitation to my friend.

Its just dinner. I don't plan on having him start joining us on our family time together, or our adventures to the beach, nights out to the movies etc....I feel strongly for the time especially, those times are to be strictly the kids and I. But, this is a man who at the beginning of our relationship was hesitant to get involved with me because of my kids ( he once dated a woman with little kids), but now he is anxious to meet them. He asks questions about them and has shown an interest in knowing what is going on in their lives.

I know if I recind the offer he will understand, but his feelings will be hurt, but of course, my son's feelings come first. But, this is a child who is so use to using tears to manipulate me into doing things his way, and perhaps he will always be this way when it comes to mommy dating.

This is how I want to handle it, advice is much welcomed....for those of you who are still reading this long post. Speak to the 10 y/o and let him know I understand his feelings about me dating, but I would like him to keep an open mind for this one night. That I have a friend, who happens to be a male, and I would like him to join us for my birthday dinner. Tell my friend, who is normally very touchy feely in public, to keep hands off. ;-) Keep dinner short and sweet. I figured this might be a way for me to gauge how my son will do.

Basically, I just don't know. There is something nagging at me about having him come over, I really want him to, but why is it nagging me??? Do I need to keep this man completely seperated from my children? If so for how long?

Okay, sorry for the length and the not quite together train of thought.

Thanks,

J.B.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:02pm

Three months is a little soon, but also your kids are older and know what dating is, and if it's just dinner then it's not going to be harmful to them IMHO.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 6:21pm

J.B, welcome to the board.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 8:43pm

Hi JB and welcome to our board.

Alison and First have given you good advice and tips.

The only thing I would add is that I think you should take the time to focus more on getting divorced and getting the kids lives established with separate households. Get them more comfortable with the new situation. Unless you have that very smooth and spend time talking to the kids about their feelings and fears, anything new is just going to cause upset.

I think that it is too soon for you to bring this guy home given your home circumstances. I think that he should wait a little longer. It should be on the time that is best for you and the kids, not just to satisfy his curiosity. I think it is better to err on the side of waiting too long than not long enough. But I tend to be conservative so that is just me.

I think it is very sad for a 10 year old boy to lose his family and have his mom and dad apart- his age is younger than the others and you are a bigger part of his world than his friends right now. I don't think he is trying to manipulate you. Some just show their emotions in that way - which is better than doing something destructive/aggressive. I have been divorced for over 5 years and my son plainly sees how different I am from his dad and how we are not compatible or meant to be - and he is very well adjusted and all the dust is settled - but it makes him sad that he does not have an intact home - I can always see the pain in his eyes when I bring up this matter. This is not something to take lightly. If you do the homework now to get the kids well adjusted then you will have a smoother path later on. (edited to add this paragraph)

But if you do choose to have him over, spend more time with the kids and talking to them to find out their fears and issues with all of this. Tell them what you expect for a guest. Keep it fun and short. He should bring a fun dessert for them - that would be a nice gesture. Just an idea.

Whatever you decide - we are here for you - keep us posted and feel free to ask us anything else.

Good luck!!




Edited 1/9/2006 9:27 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2006
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 6:07pm

Thank you all so much for the responses. Yes, I agree, three months of dating this man is soon to have him be a part of our day to day life, but both my teenagers are curious to meet the man I've been seeing. If it wasn't for the fact I had told my daughter to let me know when he could pick me up at the house ( I usually meet him in a neutral place) and she came to me and said to invite him for dinner I would not have thought to extend the invitation to him.

After speaking in lengths to my sister in law, I have decided to go ahead and have him over for a casual dinner. I've also invited our neighbors, who are very close friends, over as well. I figured this would make it more of a party atmoshpere and take some pressure off.

Someone asked about the talking relationship with my kids. We have been through a great ordeal the past two years and our line of communication is very open. It has had to be. My teenagers know that there is nothing they can't tell me, you'd be suprised the things they do tell me. If they are unhappy with something I do, they tell me. If I behave in a manner they feel is not appropriate, they tell me (ie..raising my voice, having that extra glass of wine,staying out too late, etc...) Part of the reason I think they are curious to meet this man is just to have it all out in the open so to speak. Our relationship with their father (not just mine, but theirs, too) has been based on lies and manipulations.

I have insured them this is a special situation and he won't be coming to dinner on a weekly basis or anything. Our time will remain our time. Once again, I do truly appreciate everyones response and will let you know how it goes this week.

JB

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 9:19pm

Jilly,


While it's great that you have such an open communication with your kids, be careful not to let the boundaries blur between adult and child, parent not friend.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 01-10-2006 - 9:24am

I hope it goes really well!

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