When to mention the kid thing

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
When to mention the kid thing
10
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 6:39pm

Hello,

I was wondering when you thought it was appropriate to mention the fact you have child/ren to a guy who has asked you out and doesn't realize it at first. I believe BEFORE the 1st date, but some say during and others say after the 1st date if you know you want to see him again.

Anybody who has had experience with this I would be interested in knowing how the guy reacted and if anybody told you they didn't want to take you out once they found out.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 6:47pm
I have always told people before the first date, actually guys usually know before they even ask me on a date.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 6:53pm

I actually just posted a similar question and have now set up a rule of telling the guy in the first hour if possible. If not, before the first date, even if it's to say that I need to get a babysitter or something.

I was at a party Saturday and met two guys, and re-met another two I'd met before. I've heard from the first two, one of which I was able to tell about the kid, the other I wasn't. Of course, the one who doesn't know about the kid has emailed me, so I'm going to work it in to my next email that I'm off to take my daughter to gymnastics or something; give him the out if he wishes.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 6:57pm
ASAP - it is too critical to leave for the first date or thereafter - should be before the first date. But work it into conversation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 7:24pm

How should I work it into the conversation?

Has anybody said they didn't want to take you out after hearing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 9:29pm

I have never had an issue with this in any of my dating relationships.

There was one instance where I met this guy and we did have chemistry and hit it off. I did mention I was a single mom and he didn't flinch. But later when he called he explained that although he doesn't usually date a mom with kids he thought I was extremely attractive and interesting and would be up for just sex. I explained that I want a relationship, not just sex and we proceeded to have an argument about that on the phone - or rather he attacked me for that stance. Whatever!!

I later observed that he is a really selfish guy. He has had a gf who is a FWB and he will never commit to her. She drives to his house all the time - does everything. He is really lazy and generally a one way street with everything he does.

So, my point is,that it was no loss to me.

I had dated single dads, divorced guys with no kids, older never been marrieds, and younger never been marrieds. Not one has had an objection to the fact that I am a single mom or to my son. He is very cute, smart, well behaved and fun. There is really no reason they would not like him. He has a dad who is in his life - he doesn't need another one.

But I always bring it up straight away. It is me. I bring it up casually in the conversation. If he says he likes football I say my son loves football. If he says he has a dog, my son loves dogs. If he asks me about my day - it was great because I learned a lot of things helping my son with homework. This morning I met a guy at a bagel place. He was commenting on how cool our weather was - says he opened all the windows to his house (I live in the south). And he asked if I did that - I said - usually I would because my son likes that - but this weekend I was busy being outdoors riding my bike and running and I didn't have time.

I mean it is not like you are saying you are a felon. You are a mom. Just like someone can be a nurse, a student, a police officer, whatever. And it is not like you can erase your kids, make them invisible or put them in the closet just to have a date or a relationship. It is what it is.

I think that guys who are into kids are better people. They generally tend to see the good in the world. A kid can be very entertaining - they always say the funniest things and they are smart - they figure things out way before us. They like to learn and interact with other people. They are really no bother. Sure, you might not be as footloose and fancy free as you once were. But you are more wise and more unselfish now. You have good stories and good experiences to offer.

A man who doesn't like kids is okay - that is his choice - but it is my observation that this type tends to be selfish, high-maintenance and shallow. Like the one I just spoke about. He only wanted sex. And I know that while I love sex, I want a relationship and a guy who is into me.

Hope that helps you feel better about yourself and dating with kids. I am sure the others will have good stories and tips - they always do. I think it is all about the way you look at yourself. You have to see yourself and your situation as positive. And believe me, it is for the right person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2003
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 10:13pm

THANKS CL-WEST!

Your Post made me feel a lot better.

You think the way I was *sweating* it I'm about to tell the guy I had a sex change operation and used to be a man not too long ago.

The funny thing about it, is I have used the kid issue in the past with guys who asked me out who I wasn't interested in (hoping it would scare them away) and they didn't even flinch. One went on to tell me how he didn't have any kids but would love to one day and then still proceeded to ask me out on a dinner date. I guess because I am really into this one it is more scary for me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 10:49pm

Freaked me out for a second there... I *KNEW* I had responded to this already, but then I couldn't find my response anywhere! It was because I responded to the same thread- but in the bottom section of the board. DOH! lol

My thoughts on this hasn't changed. ;)

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 02-20-2007 - 9:29am

I started dating when my son was 5 months old, I was divorced, and I was 32 years old.

I was so afraid of what guys woudl think! I am now older and a lot wiser. Every guy I dated more than 1 date not only liked the idea of me having a kid, was also was eager to hear about my son. I only ran into one man that was turned off. The man I am dating now is really into helping with my son. I am frequently carefully putting on the brakes so they don't get attached before it's appropriate.

I think you will be happily surprised by what the "market" has to offer. Express yourself that you are clearly proud of your child adn happy being a mom. Any guy worth being with will pick up on your enthusiasm. AND there are a lot more guys like that than you might imagine!

Good luck. Your child is an asset to the world and will add depth and quality to any relationship that is worth developing. :)




Edited 2/20/2007 11:23 am ET by ubersilly
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 5:19am
I havent had any problems with guys being turned off coz i have kids so far, but i havent really been into the dating scene for long... I usually just work it into the conversation somewhere, if they say something about whatever they like or something they have seen i will say something about my kids doing or liking something similar. (that was a lot of somethings lol) Yeah anyways, i have had guys i have just met try to use my kids to get me to like them or date them though. Like they offer to show my son how to play footy or tell me how much they like kids and some great games they can show them or show them their great car, something along those lines. Or pay a huge interest in my kids and suck up to them to get to me... That is when i usually back riiiiight off lol, the line "your son really likes me, we should go out..." is just soooo see through.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Thu, 02-22-2007 - 11:30am
I always seem somehow to work it in way prior to actually going on a date. It doesnt seem like a try, its just that in conversation, it seems I always mention dd.
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