When should I expect...?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
When should I expect...?
9
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 6:49pm

Hi,
I have been dating a guy casually for about a month, though I have known him for over a year. We see each other an average of once a week, though over Christmas I did not see him for two weeks. So far we have been getting along great and having fun together. I have been acting relaxed, friendly and interested, and not expecting too much - no pressure.

The problem is with our means of communication. We only stay in touch through email, since he does not like to talk on the phone. I know he is not married, since I have been to his home and know his friends etc. He is single, no kids. He is not very prompt about returning emails. He does not have internet at home, so can only email when he is at work (usually just weekdays). Over Christmas break, he emailed me once during the week with no phone calls. He also cancelled one date with a good reason by email. I accepted this all, but it does drive me a little buggy.

For example, I saw him for a romantic night on Saturday he made dinner for me (note:we have not had sex yet). I emailed him last night saying I had fun. I expected a reply today, but nothing yet. This is typical of our exchanges. I know that he is into me (we have made plans for future weekends) and he says very positive things about me when we are together. I do not want to say anything to him about the communication problem, since it is still early in the relatonship and I do not want to complain or pressure him. I have decided that I will not go out with him on a weekend unless he contacts me by Wednesday. How can I "train" him to be more prompt about his responses.

BTW- I do all the driving (to his area) when we go out since I live with my parents in a tiny town with nothing to do nearby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:31pm
That sounds very fishy to me. Like he is with someone else or has something to hide. The email-no-phone-call thing would not be for me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 7:46pm
It would sound fishy if I did not know his work/life situation so well. He works in the same college department where I attended grad school and we have several mutual friends. He said that he does not like the phone, because he doesn't feel "satisfied" by phone conversations. I feel like the casual email situation ( a few lines every few days) makes it difficult to get to know him better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 8:01pm

You do realize you are never going to change him. And this is probably a situation where he is "just not that into you." He is throwing you a bone to keep you hanging on by a string.

I would urge you to pull back and make him less important - see if you can find more people to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:28pm

Hi, I did finally get an email from him tonight. His emails are always friendly and often adoring. He sounds hopeful about seeing me, but I think you may be right. I do wonder if he likes me, but doesn't really want a girlfriend - perhaps he is hoping I will have sex with him soon. He does not pressure me for sex, but has mentioned it. If he really wanted me, would he make more effort? What should he be doing? However, maybe he thinks that an email every other day or so is enough at this point? Would a guy think that - they are so clueless sometimes.

He said that he lives without making plans in his life - that he tries to focus on the present because he worries. I am acting casual, because I know that guys do not want to be pressured and truthfully I prefer to take things slow also. But I think I will pull away some, try not to think about him so much and see how he responds.

As for dating other men - I have had disasterous experiences with match.com (the only way to meet men here). This experience is why I have been so happy being single - I do not waste enegry and time analyzing men! Yet I still hold out hope:P

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 01-08-2007 - 9:36pm

To me, this sounds all about HIM. He is not trying to please you or meet your needs or find out what you like and then do it to make you happy. He is only suiting himself. 2 minutes here and there to type a line is not much effort. It is just plain emotionally withdrawn.

I wonder if you can find a way to get out there more without just depending on OLD?

I would want a guy who calls once or twice a week to start. And looks forward to and plans a date based on what I like to do - and he knows that because he has asked me questions and matches up what I like with what he likes - something fun for one or both of us to try. He and I would have a lot in common and the minutes would tick by fast on the phone and in person. He would be very respectful because he admires me and doesn't want to do something to screw up. But that is me.

I just hope that you are not hanging on to him because you feel like he is the only one. Because that makes me sad for you. I want something GREAT for all of the moms here. I want all of the moms to know that they are special and worth the wait for the right one!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:21am

I agree with your assessment of the situation, although I really do not know what he is thinking. I definitely have made things too easy by offering to do all the driving and just accepting what he offers. I thought about it (more) last night and can see how in the first week or two we were dating, he was trying harder - emailing more, offering to drive, and sounding more eager to see me.

I actually do like him and we do have a lot in common. He has many qualities in his favor. I am sure that part of the attraction is that he is younger, never married, gorgeous and a nice guy (after being married to a much older, very overweight, abusive, jerk, this does seem appealing). However, I should have certain standards for acceptable communication. Right now I am just going to focus on other things in my life and not put so much energy into this man. I will see how it goes.

I have been divorced for seven years. I am attractive, intelligent, emotionally stable and kind. And it has been very diffcult for me to meet good quality men. Really I could tell stories about the guys I've dated since the divorce. However, there is one other guy at school (different department) who asked me out repeatedly last year. I kept declining (I did not want to get involved with anyone while I was a student). He is not as attractive, divorced with a nearly grown son. But he did seem like a genuinely sincere person. It would be really awkward to contact him now (I never see him anymore), especially since I have been dating the other guy in the department. And that's about it. Of course there is the drunk married guy who kept trying to kiss and grope me on New Year's, but I think I'll pass on that!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 9:42am

I would not date a man who did not call me on the phone. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm guessing that you would find phone calls to be a satisfying experience. It seems like the least he could do is call you.

I think the no call thing is a way to keep you at arm's length. This way, he gets out of communicating with you...unless he's at work on his computer or unless he decides to see you.

You NEED to date other men. OLD can be horrendous, so you have to be tough if you want to try it. Find other ways to get out. Join a club or find single's activities in your area.

I bet the guy takes you for granted. You live with your parents and have kids. You're available whenever he wants without much effort on his part. He doesn't have to drive or call. He just has to shoot you an email. ****GROAN***** no thanks! He might be attractive, etc....but, you can do so much better than that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 10:40am

I do know your pain and relate to your situation. I have been divorced for over 6 years. I am sure we could compare dating horror stories!! LOL!! IT is hard to find someone good to date. And yes, I am in the same boat - am attractive, financially and emotionally stable, busy and happy with my life, kind to a fault.

The other guy in the department sounds okay - too bad you can't think of a reason to bump into him!! Or just get around to different areas/activities of the school to meet more people.

Don't give up or lower your standards just because of availability of good ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 1:13pm
Hello, Im new here, but I will like to share my opinion with you, because that situation you are describing happened to me. Beleive me, he is seeing someone else, and soon we will not be able to control his guilt and he is going to end up telling you the truth. Its very easy to fake for him that he is into you think about this: he is not close at all! plus, you are the one who goes to him, and he is controlling when and under what circumstances you communicate, have you ever wondered why??? all he is saynig are excuses to keep you distant! Im not saying this to dissapoint you, but I don't want that someone else goes through what I went through! Good luck! and try to find someone else!