When to take him home to meet the Kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
When to take him home to meet the Kids?
8
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:20pm
Hi, I'm new to the board - but I'm excited to be here. I hope that my question won't be too detailed that no one can give advice. I looked at some of the other topics and none really "fit" me so please help if you can.

Here's the situation:

I am getting a divorce (been sep. for 9mos.) and like many of us, I began dating before the ink is dry. So, the question is How do I bring "new guy" into my Mommy life and not just out there on the edges? I have a good relationship with the Ex-H, both of us decided to split - I'm more ready to move on than him, and I know that finding out I'm dating will hurt him. And feel badly for him, but I'm happy with my "now guy" and want to introduce him to my 3 children: girl-10yr.& boy-8yr.& boy-7yr. I have choosen some "rules to follow like - limited PDA for now in front of the children, and no spending the night - mostly promoting him as "mommy's friend". And I want us to do activies that are fun so the children don't have the "pressure" of being on their "best behavior" right away. Thank God that I don't have to replace their father, he is wonderful for them, and I don't want them to feel like that's what I'm doing.

Some of my friends think I should wait 3 more months before I even introduce him to them, after the divorce is final, (I've been dating him for 5mos+) and some say that it's OK to intro, him now. The Holidays are comming and for me it's hard to balance two seperate lives - Single v/s Mommy, I'd like to join them together but don't want to make a mess.

Any advice for the confused, but hopeful?

Thanks
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 2:45pm

Hi and welcome to the board!


Thank you for sharing your story with us a little bit. Don't ever feel like you have to use previous messages as a sort of "FAQ" before asking your question. Even if it's close to the same as someone else's situation, you still get equal board space here. ;)


My two cents on your situation: I think you've a VERY good head on your shoulders about the whole situation. You are right that you can usually tell when it's time to be your single mom self and not just dating someone. The guidelines you have layed out on behavior in front of your children and the introduction of him as basically your new friend are all great. The only thing I would be concerned about is waiting till the divorce IS final, for the children's sake. If you're working carefully on how this is all presented to them, I would think it best that they see you dating only when your divorce is finalized. Just my humble opinion.


I think it's so wonderful for you that your children do have a great father and you can say that without malice. That's a less than common sentiment and it's so great for the kids when you hear it!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:09pm
Thanks Becky :)

Although, that choice isn't the easiest for me, you may be right that it's the best for them. There was NO infidelity in my marriage - I didn't cheat on him or he on me and I really wouldn't like to start now - although "technically" I guess someone could argue that I am. But anyhooo. The reasons for leaving him were to display a lifestyle to my children that would bring a freedom within boundries and contentment that wasn't happening in my own relationship with their father - not to just say one day "don't live like I did" - but to show that self-respect is important and to be able to say "Look at my example" :)

I guess with all of that said, the hardest part for me is the feeling that ultimately I'm the one being punished for standing up for myself. And anything that brings me happiness or joy can't be shared with the three MOST important people in my life. That makes me very sad - the whole thing makes me sad - but it was necessary. And I am 100% better than I was, but that's just my story - I'm sure the children will have another take on the whole thing later in life. But I hope that they will respect me even if they never come to agree with me. And I guess that is another reason to wait. Thanks

P.S. but I'm still really sad about it

can't I make up something about who he is??? just so I can be with all of them at the same time??? ha ha
Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:03pm

How long will it be till final decree of divorce???


You know, I understand all of what you're saying. But honestly, you DO sound very happy. There are going to be inconvienences in EVERY aspect of our lives. Even the ones that make us happy for the most part. So, you don't sound punished to me! You just sound like you're trying to live out the best possible example for your kids. And sometimes that takes some sacrifice. You'll be able to explain all of this to them better later, when their emotional maturity catches up.


Hang in there!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 6:18pm
I'm with your friends. I know that you've been dating for a long while, but have you considered that you're rebounding? I don't know the first thing about your situation, but it seems to me that you haven't really had much time to be on your own before heading into something new.

What is your objective in introducing the kids? You called him Mr. Now, I think. That's fine, but why do your kids have to meet him at all? Ask a grown child of divorce and what they thought about having people in and out of their lives? I don't think there is anything at all wrong with having a lover, boyfriend, companion...but unless he's going to be a part of the big picture, what do you care that he's a part of your children's lives? How and in what way do your children benefit?

What if they really hate him? Just because you love him, how are you going to deal with their resentment? I don't know how your kids are adjusting to the split so I'm just putting things out there for you to consider. Good luck.
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 7:35pm
Welcome to the board!

Like Becky said, you don't have to worry about repeating an already been asked question, every situation is different.

I personally am not one who believes your divorce has to be final for you to date. My divorce went on forever and had I not dated I would not have stayed sane. But I do believe in being smart about when to introduce your kids. And having the right reasons. Doing it because it would be more convenient for you, probably not the right reasons. And like Bay, I am concerned that you called him "Mr. Now", doesn't seem like you're sure about this guy.

I say wait on the introducing. It's not worth hurting your kids. And even when they love their dad and their dad is great, kids still get attached.

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:22am
Good Morning and thanks to everyone who posted on this- I'm just going to use this reply to give a bit of clearification. I was with my Ex-H for 16 yrs + and over that time I was never allowed to give my opinion and I was always wrong. Mostly this was due to me giving my personal power away, but it wasn't until the last 6 yrs. that I began to change and rework how I viewed myself and learn about boundries and what I expected from a life partner. Because, I am so much more in tune with myself and he wasn't willing to change, I left - I couldn't continue to live in an emotionally abusive relationship. This is the example that I wanted to project to my children, that a relationship is not based on "who's better, or more legalistic?" When I left - I took nothing, he pays me nothing and I've had to rebuild everything. (that will have to be for another discussion altogether) Yes, we are working together to make sure that our children have the things that they need - and because he has the house (but I live only a mile away) that is considered their "primary" residency - blah, blah, blah, we split the time 50/50 as best as we see. So I do feel like I give/gave alot, and it was my choice to do so - I felt this was "the best interest" for the children. I was also a stay at home Mom for over 10yrs and this is my first job since I left the workforce many years ago. I am so very sad over the things that I've lost - I don't miss him - but I'm a Mom without "full time children", I'm a "wife" with no husband, I'm a homemaker with no home. And I want to begin rebuilding that part.

"Mr Now" or "Mr New" wasn't to slight this man in anyway, and he isn't fly by night - nor is that what I'm all about - and I know that no one knows that about me, but I have regained my strength as an individual and wanted to share that with someone, and I'm very blessed to be granted this "do over" to maybe get it right(not perfect, just improved)Actually I'm so much better equiped to handle a relationship now then I ever was before - I'm not desperate, and he "doesn't complete me", but I do like the way he highlights my life, how the best parts of me shine when I'm with him and while I see faults - I see them on both sides of the fence, mine and his, and I have the tools I need to deal with those issues, and he's willing to work also. I'm eager to share with my children the total difference in my life after leaving their father - they love me now, because I'm not so opressed (depressed) but wait until they see how a real man treats a woman, and the reactions between two adults in a healthy realationship. This is really the only thing that I'm pushing so hard for.

So, while I don't want to beat a dead horse, or bring up all of this to get the "favorable" response that I want - I did want to share more, because I really am at a crossroad. I need to feel that I've communicated as much as possible so I can get the best advice I feel I can. And I don't have any friends that are divorced with children so I'm relying on "you guys" to help guide me.

Thanks again :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:50pm
you HAVE been working on yourself...you sound way more healthy than I was went my 16 yr. relationship split! I think there is no real hard and fast rule about this...this is a parenting decision that you need to make. Some people think they should find out straightaway what the boyfriend children dynamic is like because they don't want to invest time with someone that doesn't get on with their children, whatever. As you noticed in my previous post, I'm very cautious about things and I believe that taking things slowly is best. I think Becky made a really good point that maybe (since your kids are older) you wait until the divorce is finalized. I dated way before my divorce was final (which dragged on for two years in a state where it technically takes six months), but I only introduced two of these men to my kids. The first one I realized wasn't long term material after I introduced him and it was a mess when he disappeared. They felt abandoned. So when I met SO, I really dragged my feet about introducing him to the kids...everyone on the board gave me their two cents on the matter and then he convinced me that he couldn't really get to know me if I kept him out of part of my life, being a mom.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 6:27am
Hi there and welcome to our board,

After having gone through this nearly same experience (I also met a nice guy to date during the separation period), I would definitely WAIT until the divorce is final to introduce anyone to the kids. I think your gut/inner voice is telling you that. You really don't want anything that will upset the boat with regards to divorce settlement/custody and this would have the potential to do just that. It would harm all involved and put your new relationship at risk.

I think the only one who is on edge is you - no one else is going to mind to wait to introduce this new someone. The whole situation needs time to settle down. Your EXH and kids all have to adjust to the new arrangement of visitation, etc. and you want to take the time for this so it goes smoothly.

I hope this helps you in some way - good luck - I know this is not an easy time in your life and I wish you godspeed through it all.