When your heart beats so fast you think
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When your heart beats so fast you think
| Wed, 04-25-2007 - 1:47pm |
everyone else hears it. I was sitting here at work, minding my own business. When my XF sent me a very quick short note that someone tried to contact me on his voicemail from Germany. I knew it was my lawyer because I gave her my address when I thought I was going to live in Chicago with my XF. I needed my divorce papers to marry my XF. So that brought back the memory of why she had it. Anyways, some things I just haven't gotten around to changing. I haven't heard or spoken to my XF since our break up at the end of January. Anyway, do you know when you see that little flag that says email and the name from whom it is? My heart was beating so fast when I saw his name on the incoming mail and almost had a heart attack before I opened it. Then I felt a twinge of disappointment when I read it with his professional short one sentence email. I thanked him in a short professional tone and let him know it won't happen again. I just felt deep inside I had wished he would have asked how I was or something. It was so hard not to ask back, but I didn't. I just feel like crying again. I know what I did was absolutely right, but I still love him and I definitely miss him. Wanting to go back to him and try to make things work a second time makes me realize now exactly how much I really love him, but I know I won't, because I know it's not the right person. Definitely not ready to date.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I'm also glad you got through it. You didn't do anything rash, and you should be proud of yourself for being strong. Not everyone would have been able to be.
Get through each day as it comes, and don't worry about dating- that'll either come or it won't.
Good luck, and we're always here for you.
Moody, who tries to remember to close her email so the flag doesn't pop up
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OUCH!!!!!!
Sending you a dump truck of virtual chocolate...
Soonee
She said, when she talked to him two weeks ago. I swear I asked her two weeks ago if she talked to him and she said no. However, what kind of hurt my feelings is that I guess I would have liked to have known that he did ask about me. The way things ended was awful and I just felt that if he asked, he at least wanted to know. Ok, so my question here is. Should she have told me or not? Is it my business or isn't it?
I know she probably feels in the middle of it, because she brought us together, but she knows how it all was so hard on me, so I guess I figured she should just have told me non-chalant because I asked her 2-3 weeks ago if she talked to him and if he asked about me. It hurt me to think that he didn't care, but he asked, so maybe he does. I don't know why it matters so much, but somehow it does a little. Ya know? I DON'T know, but she is my best friend and I thought that little piece would have helped me to know something. Not keep thinking it hasn't phased him. Make sense? Am I being a jerk for expecting her to tell me something like that? I guess I felt a little betrayed by her.
I think the whole thing is just too fresh and raw and that you should minimize talking to her or to him. I think she probably sees the whole thing from her own perspective and that it is hard for her because he is family and he is there. So she probably didn't want to stir up a lot of stuff and kept some to herself knowing that was better for all. Perhaps it can be filed as one of those "don't talk about it" things for a long time? Friends can always agree to disagree and not stir up a hornets nest.
I know you have been through a lot of pain because he did sound so good. But I believe you did very good to see the red flags that you did and to get out. I think this will hurt for a while and you will always want to know if he cares and what he thinks. That is only human. But I think each time you find something out you will start over to heal. So you have to do your best not to think about it. I hope that makes sense.
It does sound like your girls are doing well if you are the popular mom and fun for the girls' friends - hopefully now you can "grow your own garden beautiful" so that each day in your new place becomes better and better for you. I know it is hard to be settled some place new - to have to start over with everything.
Thanks Judy! Your kind words are appreciated. Deep down I know that she knows how much I am hurting and healing and I think she just thought the mere mention of him would bring me into a state of depression again. I was just somewhat hurt, but you are right.
I heard something on the radio today that got me to think. Each time you hear your X's name, or someone who has the same name, see an email, see his number, etc etc. Any reminder, brings you 1% into further depresssion. I think not thinking about it, like you said, is the healer. I just can't seem to overcome erasing his numbers, emails and the reminders. I FINALLY took down the pictures of his children about 10 days ago. I took his down a few months ago. I love the children so much, so not having them in my life was the hardest for myself and the girls. WE were all really close. I guess it just really gets hard to get over someone when you think you were about to spend the rest of your life with that person. So I know it's ok to feel the things that I feel, as long as I know that I have to live healthy and reflect and to make positive steps and actions towards bettering my childrens life and mine.
I can learn to forgive the situation though and I know I keep saying it to myself, but I do know we are in a much better place. Forgiving keeps the bitterness away and allows one's self to move on.
And like you said, everytime I feel like I have healed a little, the wound is torn wide open again. I guess that is how I am feeling. I feel quite raw today.
The girls are doing well, but I know they need much much more. It's just a stepping stone processes right now. I am trying to rectify a few mistakes I have made as a parent. The pattern I see what my mom or dad did to me. I try to change them, but changing one's spots is harder then I thought. It takes REAL thought and thought processes about everything I say and do.