When's it ok for kids to meet new dates?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
When's it ok for kids to meet new dates?
5
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 11:01am

I am still working through my custody arrangement with STBX and I would like to write in a clause that neither one of us will introduce the girls to a new partner for XX number of months. What is a reasonable amount of time? I am thinking six months of serious dating... Our daughters are 5 & 3. They seem to be okay with the thought of us splitting as it is very amicable, but I think new partners will be very confusing for them. I want them to have some time to absorb our new family dynamics before they have to adapt to new partners. Is there a guideline?

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005

Personally, I wouldn't write in such a clause- I would just talk to my ex about it.


Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005

Personally I would not add such a clause. Because once you are divorced you give up the say in what the other person does with the kids unless that something is illegal or harmful. You don't have a say in his partner just as he does not have a say in yours. I really think the decree needs to emphasize the basics like vacations, holidays, visitation details, college expenses, life insurance, health insurance, stuff like that to pertain to the kids.

Further, I really would not want to be involved in my exh's dating details because I don't care and I sure as heck do not want him in mine. I feel that the more we can do to avoid having knowledge and comments about each other's personal lives is the soonest everyone can simply move on with their lives and heal and eventually be at least civil co-parenting partners.

The situations for meeting new dates are varied according to the particular details - babies versus teenagers. But I would say that 3 to 6 months is sufficient to see if the other person is here to stay. But this really varies according to the people involved. I think the older the kids, the slower you have to go to avoid upsetting them. But also younger kids tend to get more attached to a dating partner and then if the relationship doesn't work out they have the abandonment and divorce feelings all over again. I would leave my son OUT of any dating relationships I have until I am very sure that the man I am dating is someone who really is beneficial to me and my son and he sees me as MsRight and is committed and here to stay.

I have been divorced almost 6 years. The last thing I want to worry about is what my exh does and to argue with that - or to have him argue with me. We did have an incident where exh went way too much too soon too fast and it was detrimental to DS. But they both learned a lesson from it - it didn't work. And DS respects me more because he knows I am here for him and put him first in my life. He has said so with no prompting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Sat, 03-31-2007 - 10:12pm

Okay - fair enough. I will have the conversation with my stbx and hopefully we are on the same page. I was thinking more immediate future than five or six years down the road. I want our girls to have a chance to adapt to their new life before they have to deal with either one of us dating.
Thanks for your note!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005

Maybe you can give him a helpful tip - like if he wants to date right away that is fine but maybe it is best that you both introduce dates as friends until you are sure it works out well.

Most likely what will happen - or at least what happened with my exh - is that he totally went overboard exuberant with a new girlfriend - they were dating 3 weeks and then decided to introduce the kids in such a manner that you would have thought they wanted them to be instant siblings. My DS got so upset because the other boy was younger and high maintenance and a pain - and they made him take him around a class party and that embarassed DS. Then the kid was allowed in DS's room and messed up all his toys. Then the time that was supposed to be set aside for DS was shared with the new gf and her kid. And then his dad was paying more attention to the other kid to woo the gf. Every Sunday or Monday when DS came home I would have to listen to the story and watch DS be upset.

I encouraged DS to explain his feelings to his dad, which he finally did when he got enough upset. It taught DS to stand up for himself.

The final straw was when a weeknight that exh was supposed spend time with DS and instead planned to meet the girl's family. DS didn't want to go and so I said okay stay here. Exh was so mad and upset - he was TRYING to explain to me that family always comes first. And to that I said, they are not DS's family - they are the family of the girl you are dating and then I explained how DS is upset about the shenanigans. I explained that a step family is something very difficult and I sent him a web page about bonus families and that DS has to go at his own pace with all of that - you can't force it.

After a time they broke up. DS never did like them.

Oh - and exh is so stupid - he let the girl spend the night and they didn't lock the door. The kids got up early and didn't find the mom in the guest bedroom - instead they found them sleeping together in exh's bed. So they got their nerf guns and shot them in the head. Exh woke up and freaked out. I had a good laugh at that one.

So, brace yourself. Men have one thing in mind when it comes to dating and I don't think your exh will be an exception. Hopefully he has more sense in front of the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006

Lordy, my X did the same thing. And this is the woman who my sons are fully aware was the catalyst for the break up of their family. S15 was upset for the very same reasons your son was distressed. It was waaay too soon, Dad had moved out of our house only a few months before. They expect S15 to want to hang out with her kids, ages 11 & 9 now and very spoiled. S15 resents that he rarely has one on one time with his dad anymore. Now he goes to his dad's mostly to use his computer there and to spend time with his grandparents. His favorite activity? OW bashing contests with Grandma. Seriously, they sit around telling each other the latest stupid or manipulative thing she has done. S15 spent a year in counseling coming to grips with this situation so I guess it's OK that he perceives that his grandparents get it and are on his side. At least I don't have to be involved and hear about what goes on over there.

One other important issue, it is in the child's best interest that both parents are accepting of the concept of moving on so that when it is appropriate to introduce them to someone with whom things are serious it isn't a big deal. It is difficult for kids and one has to be prepared to do the introduction of this new person into their already complicated lives very slowly. Although it kills me (I wouldn't trust her to take care of my dog), I don't say anything about this woman to my D3. The X is likely to marry her within the next year (if our divorce is finally done this month) so my daughter will have to cope. I'm the one she'll learn self-discipline and empathy from so I don't worry too much that the spoiling she gets over there will screw her up.

I have an acquaintance, 21 yr old girl, whose parents have been divorced most of her life. Dad is on step mom #3, Mom is on BF #5 or 6. She is very clear that the worst part of the fact that her parents got divorced is the revolving door of SO's and the expectation that she bond with and accept these people into her life. She, of course, is also choosing badly in her own romantic relationships, so this model of behavior has hurt her in ways she never anticipated.

Everyone on this board has had to negotiate this issue, it is hard to know the right thing to do. The best course seems to be take it slow and listen to your kids when they express discomfort with the situation. Letting them tell you that you are not allowed to date is a whole other issue. Trying to control the other parent by encouraging the kids to hate the new person is not in the kid's best interest either.