Where Are the Good Ones?
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| Tue, 04-26-2005 - 2:35pm |
I'm trying very hard to be content with my life. I try to be the best mother I can be, I am doing well in school, I get everything that needs to be done completed, but I can't help but feel a little unsatisfied with everything. I love being a mother, don't get me wrong, and I wouldn't change being one for anything in the world. The problem is that I'm so very lonely.
My marriage was rocky from the start....it was a wonder it lasted as long as it did. However, I never imagined being 24, divorced, and a single mother, doing absolutely everything by myself. It just gets a little hard sometimes. I just wish that I could have someone come into my life to share things with. I would like to know that there is someone out there (other than my family) that's thinking about me and wanting to see me.
I don't go to the bars and places like that, b/c I just figure that I don't want the type of person that's always hanging out at the bars. For the most part, the bar scene really isn't me. I want someone who will be nice to me, go to church with me, and has the same common goals that I do. So, where is he...lol? At this point, I just feel like I'll just be single for the rest of my life.
I know that I don't NEED a man in my life to feel satisfied, but it would just be nice to have someone, you know?
Sorry to be so down....this thing with the last guy has kinda gotten to me. I guess I was just so thrilled b/c he seemed so very nice and interested in me. We seemed to have a lot in common, but truly, he was just feeding me the stuff he thought I wanted to hear.
So, where are all the good ones hiding? I just don't think that I can do this whole dating scene thing just to be let down time and time again. I'm a family oriented person, and I want someone that shares that value.
Kait

I know that I don't NEED a man in my life to feel satisfied, but it would just be nice to have someone, you know?
I think that's true for everyone who's single. And some perspective from an old single mom, who's now married...I know that I don't NEED to be single to feel a little more freedom, but sometimes it'd be nice to be detached and do what *I* want w/out having to consult anyone.
That being said, I am not at all trying to minimize your frustration and sadness. Only to remind you that every relationship situation (be it single, dating, married...) has it's up's and down's. The important thing, *I* think, is to not focus on relationship to the point that it's the only thing about life that you see.
Continue trying to set it aside. Have fun. Flirt if you've opportunity. Take date offers when them come. MAKE them, if you're interested. And keep working on your hobbies/interests and stuff with your child(ren). Be you and have fun.
There are nice men out there. But I think most people find them when they aren't pursuing the idea of a relationship hard and heavy, you know? Pursue a good relationship when you have it, but don't go after one, simply to have one. It will not end up being very fulfilling.
Kait, you sound so much like me maybe a year or two ago.
I would never encourage anyone to "be content" with their life...if there's something more you want for YOU, do it. I'm more content now that I'm busting my butt working towards a graduate degree, taking Karate, and teaching ESL for free.
If there's ANYTHING you still want to do/try, I'd encourage you to do it. Dream big. Sometimes that takes away the "something's missing" feeling.
My goal now is to BE the person I thought I wanted to marry. It takes a lot of pressure off the guys I meet. LOL...
And the good ones are all around, but if you are feeling desperate they can "smell" it and they will probably run. I meet men in classes, in karate, at work, parent organization meetings, teaching esl. I've met some in each place who were interesting or interested. I feel now that I have several options and I'm just doing the 'WAIT AND SEE'thing. I look my best (for me) and have fun at whatever I'm doing.
Once in a great while I get an "I wish I had a bf to do things with" pang, I give myself 5 minutes to think about it, set a timer, and then go do SOMETHING ELSE! I'm not going to spend any more time obsessing about something I have little control over. I can't convince someone else to be interested. Either they are, or they're not. Try to concentrate on getting to know quality men with no agenda, no intention to date them. Just get to be friends with some.
Hey Kait,
I know exactly how you feel. I have been in your shoes so many times with my feelings since my divorce. My marriage really was never great - and it slowly died for its last 4 years. My XH and I just were not meant to be. I think it took 4 years for that pain to wear off.
And also during this time I have come to grips with the fact that there are not as many eligible bachelors in my age group (40) - heck - there are not that many in most age groups from seeing what my younger single never-been-married friends (20-30)are going through, too.
But I have also come to grips that while I would like to be in love NOW, I can go it alone in a grand style for however long it takes. I know what I want and how to spot the guy that is really into me for the right reasons. I know to hold my heart back and go slow and I will.
I think that being busy and the passage of time - along with activities and good friends - can carry you a long way. The bad days will become fewer.
HUGS to you - I know it is hard to have the pain of a bad marriage and the weight of raising a child by yourself plus being alone. Some days all this makes me feel very old. I am not sure if you read my happy message today - for some reason there is sun shining in my life now and I am enjoying it.
It hasn't always been this way for me and I was hoping to offer encouragement.
I know you said you don't go to bars, and I would normally feel the same way, but my 20 something babysitters have been taking me out to the most wild bar street on the weekends.
There is a huge mix of people - young and old - and the guys all hit on the girls. While I would never go home with one of them - this can be a HUGE self esteem booster.
It is so so much fun to get a little wild with the outfit and go out for a bit.
We have had guys buy us shots called blow jobs in a Country Western place. We have been to a biker bar that played great classic rock. And we have been to a river-front type of place that has over 20 night clubs.
Just this past weekend there we watched girls dancing on the bar pouring shots in guys mouths - which sounds crazy but they were good dancers and the music was hot. And a guy on a motorcycle came up to our table with his friend (we were eating) and talked to us for a while. He really liked my babysitter and that was fun to watch. He hasn't been to that place in over a year. He is from Romania and has worked very hard to establish himself here. He was very nice - although he was into her he offered to buy all of us a drink. He asked us a lot of questions. And he only had one drink the whole night.
I only had 2 beers and my babysitter who doesn't drink at all was the designated driver. She is only 20 so we pretty much have to have a table outside of one of the clubs that serves food. But that was a great way to watch all of the people and so many guys wanted to talk to us. We took turns going to the bathroom and each one of us got pulled to the dance floor!
Would I ever have pictured MYSELF doing anything like this? NO!! I really thought I was done with that scene ages ago. But I am having fun - we all laugh and each weekend we have another fun story.
I have had a ball getting in great shape and buying new clothes and shoes - haven't spent that much money - find stuff very cute very cheap.
I really don't plan to meet a guy that way - but I am having fun and keeping busy.
As all of the others said here, you really have to stop looking/longing and make a great life - and then - BOOM - you will run into him!!
Kait,
There is so much sadness in your post. I feel for you because I'm in exactly the same place. I'm 31 and I have 3 kids under the age of 5. I'm a very committed, family oriented type too. I loved being married, having someone to come home to. Even though it was terrible I still loved that part of it. Only in the end, when I began to lose my wits, did I realize I had to end the marriage. My husband has been gone a year and our divorce just became final. I'm not dating. I wouldnt even know where to start. But I realize that I'm not ready now. I'm lonely as anything, but I'm still so sad, part of me still blames myself for what happened in my marriage. When I even envision dating someone I'm struck by fear of being rejected, unloved, and having everything shatter with no warning. I can't even have decent fantasies! I haven't taken the best care of myself physically or emotionally. It's come to my attention that I really need to take better care of myself and to deal with these residual issues from my marriage. Shadow beliefs, Oprah would call them, those little voices inside telling me that I'm ugly and unlovable from the inside out and no one will ever want me. Now how could I have a relationship with someone with that attitude? It's a good thing I haven't met anyone because it would not have been fair to the man or myself. If I had it my way, I'd have been dating the day after my husband left. I, too, felt that I just wanted someone, maybe didn't "need" them, but wanted them. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but what I didn't see was that I needed to heal first. It's no fun to heal. I get imaptient, very lonely, and sometimes just mad that I don't have someone. But I'm one of those ppl that believes that the right person will come along when the time is right. As hard as the journey has been, I thank God that I've been protected from getting involved with someone while I was (and am) in a state that would have just opened me right up to all sorts of relationship suffering (because, after all, I didn't really think I deserved any better.) When I have a relationship I want it to be a good one, heck, I want it to be a great one. I have to be honest enough with myself to see that I couldn't hold up my end of a relationship right now- not in the way I'd want to.
I don't know if I have been clear about what I was trying to say. There is obviously so much emotion tied into this for me that it's hard for me to be articulate about it. Maybe your situation is not like mine, but consider that possibly you haven't met someone yet for a reason. It may be good to quiet yourself, recollect, and see what else is going on inside. Spend some time on you, thinking about what you really believe about yourself. If all is good, then go ahead out there. But I think you may want to hold off. Your post is dripping with sorrow. It doesn't just seem like lonliness. It seems like a void. If I'm way off, let me know. We all want to support each other here and help each other through the journey.
Amy
My question exactly!!! I haven't been touched by another adult in soooo very long! I cried the other day when I saw an old friend and she gave me a goodbye hug! What I say might not apply to you, but I'll tell you how I am dealing with it.
I've been told that I haven't been perfect in my relationships either. I admit that wholeheartedly and my new goal is to try to be better with insecurities and such. Like someone said in the earlier replies, "be the person i want to marry".
Are you looking for a serious or permanent relationship? Would you like to fill the time with casual dates while you wait for MR. MAN? It's tough because as single mothers, we have to be even more choosy as we do date for two (or more). Ever since becoming single again (it's been about 2 months since amicable breakup), I've decided that I can either be alone than deal with the stress or I can rely on my belief that God will send me that someone I need. In the meantime, I would like to date and enjoy the good things about being single. It's hard of course, but because I make it clear that I am not looking for my son's new daddy, I can enjoy adult conversation and be in a setting where I remember that my identity as a woman is more than just the role of mother.
YOUR VERY TRULY,
SONYA mommy to beloved son,"K".
Well, if you could find a group of mexican friends hugs wouldn't be a problem. I do like my mexican church for that.
It's a process I guess. I went through that hurting time. I didn't date for 3 years after my divorce because quite frankly, I was a mess. I would have gotten into something with someone just like my ex and it would have been awful.
When I did start dating I had a bf for 8 months that I knew was just for fun and not permanent, and I got my heart broken. I dated a lOT of jerks...and was disappointed. Then there was trav, who was very good for my self confidence, but NOT there for me. That ended up hurting too.
Then, I got my mind off guys and kept it where it belonged, on me...my kids, my work and schoolwork. And...the guys started coming around.
I can't tell you that if you just "do it" it will happen with you, too. Maybe it's a process everyone has to go through. But I will say, relax...it will all work out ok. Don't give up...
Kait
I just wanted to add my two cents. It took me a long time to find a guy who really loved me and I could trust. Like 3 years from my separation. So don't give up.
You will find a good guy when the time is right. But I do agree, if you spend too much of your time looking for him, you'll just be a woman looking for a guy. If you spend time on you and being the best person you can be and the best mom to your kids, you'll be that more ready when the right one comes along. So keep your eyes and your heart open but don't make that the focus of your life.
It's likely you'll go through a few more duds before you find the guy for you. But I guess you have to look at it as a learning process. I know if I had met my SO when I first was single, I would not have made it as long as I have with him.
I am now more able to appreciate him and I have done alot with my life while on my own so I can feel like I deserve a great guy. You deserve a great guy too!
Hugs
Tara