Where do you find the strength

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Where do you find the strength
7
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:20pm
I've been dating the same man throughout my separation and divorce. That has been about 3 years. My ex has already remarried. My SO has been married before and has 3 older children. Mine are still young, 4 and 7 (2 girls). When we first started dating he was all about my children. Over the years he seems to only want to be with me without the girls. That is our off weekends. He has kids on the weekend when I have them on weekends. During the week when he does not have kids, I don't really see him much because I have my girls. Sometimes he just acts like they are invisable. I hate this but I really do love him very much but it is like I live 2 lives. I want to be married again. I want the companionship of a man, lying in bed beside me reading or cooking dinner together. Just being together and having adult conversations in the evenings. My fear is if I break this off, I will have no one. I will sit at home and no one will ask me out or maybe I can't love them as much as I love my SO now. It is like the lesser of 2 evils, him not being able to commit to marriage or me sitting alone for the rest of my life. Can anyone help? Please set me straight! Sallie
Avatar for tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:25pm

Hi and welcome

Your situation sounds all too familiar to me. I have a friend going through something similar except her boyfriend doesn't have his own kids. She keeps saying she's ending it, and then gets back with him. I simply can't understand it. I would never be able to love someone who didn't love my kids. They are an extension of me. They are all the best parts of me. So while I totally sympathize with your feelings, I can't understand being in your shoes because I never would do it.

Honestly, do you think holding on to a man who isn't giving you 100% of what you want because you're afraid to be alone is the example you want to set for your kids? Don't you deserve better? Don't they?

I think you do and I don't even know you. ;)

Hugs
Tara

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 12:46pm

I think you have come to grips with the fact that what you want and what he is willing/able to give are very far apart. You are very smart to figure this out and you should give yourself credit for that.

I don't think you should stay in a relationship for the sake of not being alone. You will only become more miserable and you are wasting time to find the right person.

You asked, how do you find the strength? Well, don't be afraid - take it one day at a time and pretty soon it is okay. I have been divorced for 4 years, going on 5. The first two I tried really hard to find an SO. I did a lot of online dating and even had 2 relationships. The past 2 years I have not had a date.

My time alone has provided me many opportunities - clean/organize/remodel the house. Become very fit, have a new hobby, grow my business, have fun with my son of course.

Maybe it helps to look at the time alone as time to find the right person who is into you and your kids so you don't have to be in this boat again?

Welcome to our board - hang out with us - it makes being alone easier because there are so many here in your shoes in many ways.

I hope I have helped you in some way. You sound very smart!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 1:09pm

A relationship is important (for me anyway) not just so I have someone to talk to, spend time with, and plan a life with... but it's also important so that my dd has a model of what a healthy, mature, adult relationship is supposed to be, and a step-parent that cares about her and is there for her if she needs him. I didn't get to witness that type of relationship growing up, and I want it for her and for me.

I have worked really hard the past year and 1/2 (since my separation and divorce) to get to the point where I know I can stand on my own two feet, that I don't need someone in an unhealthy way (just so I am not alone), and so that I can make myself happy, run my own life and generally be content with just me and dd. The biggest factors in me getting where I am today is having been in therapy and me really wanting it. I personally believe you have to be able to be on your own in order to be a healthy partner in a healthy relationship. And in any case, even if I do end up alone I am still in a good position to be a postive adult role model for my dd (I don't want her to grow up to feel she has to be with someone just so she won't be alone).

I look at it a couple ways. Yes you want that relationship and that person in your life, but if they are not a full package, and they don't want to be (or can't be) a solid step-parent, then being in the relationship is doing your children a disservice. And from what you posted, he is not there for you enough either. So why stay in a relationship that isn't good for you and isn't good for your children? Breaking up with him seems like a no-brainer. You certainly won't find the right man with husband and step-parent potential if you stay in the current relationship. What you have to do is take a leap of faith, believe in yourself, and know that being alone is better than a bad relationship (for you and your children), and being on your own is the best way to be open to finding the right relationship.

And to answer your question, where do you find the strength? It's inside you. It's inside all of us.




Edited 2/25/2005 1:09 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 2:06pm

Sallie,

It sounds like the relationship you're in is really dragging you down. It's not your kids. It's 100% him. He makes you feel lonely. He's not going to change or warm up to you. It wouldn't matter if your children were 23 and 20 yrs old. If it was just you and this guy, I bet you would still be lonely. He's not the comfort you need. He's just wasting your time.

If you feel like you are going to be alone forever if you leave this man, you are wrong. Leaving this man is your first step towards finding true love for yourself. You might be alone for a long time. You might not be. But, you're spinning your wheels with this guy.

I hope I haven't upset you. I've been with two men in the past who just tolerated my son. One met my son, but didn't enjoy having my son around at all. The other man never wanted to meet my son. If you leave this guy, it will hurt. Keep busy. Work out. Go out with friends. Make yourself do all kinds of things. You'll be depressed, but eventually all the activities you have planned for yourself will really feel fun and then you're on your way.

Please stick around this board.

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 3:12pm
Keep it up! Your encouragement is giving me the strength I need. I have probably checked the message board 50 times since I posted. He really is a kind man. One thing is we live in a small town and he is like the most sought after bachelor. Don't get me wrong he isn't a "man about town" if you get what I mean. He is very faithful and I know loves me very much. He just is quite a bit older and has already raised his children. He is kind and polite to my girls but he never acts or offers to really include them. He says it is because it will make his own feel slighted or ignored. Like he has moved on and is starting a new family without them. He has tried in the last year but frankly, I don't think he is "really" trying. Thanks again. I'll keep checking for new advice.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 6:42pm

That's a very poor excuse from him . To say that you don't want your own kids to be slighted. I believe that the real men can balance. I know, I think you would feel the same, that you could balance being a loving step-mother to his children, without making your own feel ignored. Your own children are at a stage that they need to feel accepted. They feel everything going on and if he is acting the way you say he is, they FEEL every second of his lack towards them.

I would have a lot more to say on this subject; actually I could go on a tangent about this subject, but I think Tara made a perfect point: Family is everything to me; Truely everything. I've dealt with so many men in my life from my own father to boyfriends, husband and dates, that I know, I don't want to settle for anyone that just gives me comfort, but doesn't accept my children. That comes first; before a relationship, in bed, or whatever, unless I was lookin for only a booty call, then my children wouldn't be involved anyways.

You are definetly unhappy darlin, get out of it all, otherwise, when the time comes that doesn't commit to you and finds someone else to commit too, your going to wonder why you spent so many years on him, when you could of been with someone else that gave you and your children what you needed. My rule is, once you hit the 3,5yr mark, if your still confused, then get the hell out. It's always worked as a charm in any of my relationships, in my careers, in my place of residency. Anything that I had, I put 3,5yrs on it. It never proved me wrong; only right. Another thing: Once you start doubting in your mind, in your gut, then head for the hills. I truely believe in the gut feeling. Everytime I went against it, I got seriously burned. In the end, no one else was to blame but my own stupidity.

Big hugs sweetie and I hope you stick around.

Catherine

p.s.: my girls are 11 & 4-

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 7:16pm

>>>He says it is because it will make his own feel slighted or ignored. Like he has moved on and is starting a new family without them.<<<

I am sure his children expect him to move on, and if that meant more children for him (or step-children) that they would welcome additions to their family. The way to find a balance isn't to do *less* for your children, it's simply to make an effort with all the children to let them feel included in his live and wanted, appreciated and loved.

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