Whew! Made it through the "talk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Whew! Made it through the "talk"
13
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 12:05pm

After a delightful night out watching a movie with popcorn soda and some bed time fun, I finally summoned the courage to initiate the where is this going talk in the morning.

Starting these conversations is so awkward and I could tell he was as pained as I was. Seems we are both on the same page.

We are now exclusive (he brought this up)!
we are both developing deeper feelings for eachother.
We are cautious but open to more serious things developing.
He wants to spend more time doing a variety of activities with me.
Everything is fine! We are both getting enough personal space and time, we are both satified emotionally, with the quality of teh time together. He said... and I know it doesn't mean much but it is always nice to hear:
"Our sex is, " he paused looking for words, shaking his head smiling, "just wonderful, amazing."

He was very concerned that I know he teaches late and that I don't think he is out with other women. I never thought that but he wanted to be very clear. He teaches a couple classes that end at 9pm. He's usually home at 930 those nights.

So things are good and my mind is eased. I am so glad we talked.

I didn't get the courage to talk until I realized that if he wassn't into anything "real" emotionally that I didn't want to be with him. Once I came around to that realization, there was no turning back. It was a good thing.

Thank, ladies, for your enouragement and support. I am glad to be a part of this group!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 12:22pm

This is the most awesome post and gives us all encouragement.

I think your realization was right spot on about not wanting to be with a guy who has no emotional connection. You are so right you had nothing to lose to have this talk and figure out where you are at!

Good work - glad you posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sat, 02-03-2007 - 4:52pm

I'm glad the talk went the way you wanted it to, Uber.

I'm also glad it wasn't as painful as these things can sometimes be.

Moody, back from skiing and ready for a nap


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 11:33am

Yeah for you!!!

Same thing happens to a lot of us... when we feel we have nothing to lose if the relationship is going nowhere, we initiate the talk. I find the moment is right when I don't care if I scare the guy away with "the talk" because if he has no feelings I don't care for him then.

Glad it went so well for you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 12:19pm

Thanks, ladies, for your cheers! I am very happy.

I have had such a string of lousy dating expereinces since I had my son, none were abusive, but they just were not good fits personality wise or were not emotionally ready or wanting a relationship (either at all or with me).

Yesterday he came over a few hours after our talk wanting to go sledding with my son and me. He had his SUV and runnder sled all ready for a drive. We went to a less-travelled mountain road and had a blast. Then cold and hungry we went home, he brought the chicken and the wine and we cooked a nice meal. My son had good manners, which is alwasy delightful when it happens. Very nice day.

I feel so good about myself that I seem to be keeping my head and independence since this guy is so awesome. Today, I think we are going to kind of take a day off. He did email this morning regarding some things we talked about on my old house, some useful links. I installed a pellet stove this fall all by myself :) but it isn't heating the house very well. :( The kitchen was 42 degrees this morning when I made my coffee. It sure feels nice to have someone looking out for me for a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 12:47pm

It sounds like it was a wonderful day. It also sounds like he is very genuine. I like the emailed links- it shows he's concerned and caring but not trying to take right over.

I think sometimes as single mothers, the hardest thing- and the thing we'd like most- is to have someone to offer to help. I know for me, giving up that control is an extremely painful process, and yet when I do and it works out well, I feel so much better.

The trouble, at least for me, is that relying on someone else has only ever brought me more work for myself in the past. This makes me scared to start relying on anyone new. Fair or not, being self-reliant is a protective measure.

Moody, looking out for number one


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 8:48pm

First, good for you, uber...I've had that talk before and at the time, I was not wise enough to realize that "I don't know" translates to "this is going nowhere". Not that I couldn't handle "this is going nowhere", but I wanted too much to believe and hope. But not now. Poor men...I'm a natural born skeptic!

As for your suitor helping you out with your stove, that's nice. Concern, but not in an over-bearing way. I had to install a toilet and fortunately, I have a friend who happens to be able to walk me through those things and she doesn't ask for payment, but I insisted on taking her and her s/o to dinner.

I'm still hemming and hawing about relationship vs. freedom thing. I have God, kids, family, and friends so I can afford to be unattached a while longer. But I'm glad for you ladies on here for whom love is working out. Perhaps my time will come.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 9:31pm

Hi Starthrower,
Yes, this guy said I don't know what I want twice, but his actions said otherwise loud and clear, which is why I let myself hang on to hope. I also observed how thoughtful this guy is and I don't think he'd even date someone unless he thought it might be more serious someday.

I asked him what he meant when he said I don't know what I want and he said,
" well, I can't see the future you know, and I just don't know if you are the one or not"

So well, of course, if that's what he means, duh... guys before him meant I don't want you for a girlfriend but have sex with me anyway when they said the same thing.

So I had another major catastrophe on my bloody house. I bought this 1895 victorian in terrible shape a year ago. The furnace AND the pellet stove went out again last night when it was 5 degrees and I had to do all sorts of crazy things with space heaters to keep the pets warm. BF insistes my son and I stay over there (first time, a bit early, but it was an emergency) we kept it very low key, of course, but it was kind of fun. Sone went to bed like a charm, all the chaos with frozen house and repairs had him exhausted I think. I slept well, too.

Tomorrow we won't see eachotehr, good thing. He's been so much of a help I am beginning to feel like a burden, but I never asked for his assitance.

Enough of a ramble.

Thanks all for your care! Have a great week and stay warm!
UberS

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2007
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 5:53am
Uber, I hope you didn't take what I said to apply to your guy; based on what you've written, he sounds sincere. And the two that I had such a dicussion with just could not make a committment to anyone. The two clowns I dealt with just withdrew and became more distant - that is of course until I said I was done with them. Naturally they wanted to try to get me back on the hook and I gave them the benefit of a doubt 1 time; but when the games started again, I said that's it, no more.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 11:38am

I would stay as cautious as his statment to you, "well, I can't see the future you know, and I just don't know if you are the one or not"

During your talk, he offered you the sexually exclusive girlfriend status. His caution hints that he has put the brakes on right there. When a couple's main focus is maintaining their individual space, there are walls.

I think you will continue to feel uneasy and unsettled for as long as he makes these vague comments. His actions are kind, but there is an inconsistency there with his words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 12:24pm
I do agree with this assessment.

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