Which one would you pick?
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| Fri, 02-18-2005 - 10:03am |
Someone on the dating board asked how to keep his fiance happy - and what do women like. So I answered this way - below. I wanted to get all of your opinions on this "thesis" and to find out which emotional needs you would pick - it is just interesting to see how everyone differs. I put my answers below.
One of the best explanations to this question of what women want has been a list of 10 emotion needs by Willard Harvey (marriagebuilders.com) -
1) Sex - sexual intimacy
2) Affection - showing you care - can be kind gestures (flowers, chocolates, cards, help, calls, etc) - or can be touching, hugging, cuddling
3) Conversation - ability to converse
4) Honesty - being honest about all things and not lying
5) Domestic Support - maintain peaceful organized home
6) Financial Support - make money with job
7) Recreational Companionship - having fun with recreational activities together
8) Physical Attractiveness - your partner is appealing to you
9) Family Commitment - partner is involved with children
10) Admiration - partner admires and appreciates you
It seems that each person would have greater needs for certain ones of these than another. Men usually pick different ones from women.
I would choose my top five as:
affection
recreational companionship
financial support
admiration
sex
Further reading of Harvey's material finds that a woman's sex drive is usually tied to whether or not she feels loved and her emotional needs are being met. Whereas a man's sex drive is more physical.
Hope this helps - it will be fun to see what others write here.

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I've spent a lot of time on that site, so I am familiar with Dr. Harvey's "emotional needs" questionairre's.
Mine are (in this order, usually)
It's tough, because all of those things are pretty darn important. But these are usually of higher importance to me. Obviously "Honesty" would be a big one, but for me that wraps up in some of the others and we've never had an issue there. If I ever had a dishonesty issue with someone in the past, that would probably be a MUCH higher need on my list, you know?
Further reading of Harvey's material finds that a woman's sex drive is usually tied to whether or not she feels loved and her emotional needs are being met. Whereas a man's sex drive is more physical.
This point is always an odd one for me. Because it simply isn't completely true of ME, but it IS of my DH. We're a little backward in this. Because sex IS a need for me, when it isn't met I have problems. The other one's don't have to be met for me to have that need and to want it. I wouldn't say my drive is purely physical though. I just know that the connection I feel with DH afterward is what spurs on my drive.
Mine is, and this is a MUST:
Honesty,
Admiration
Family commitment
Conversation
Affection
All those things will want me want a man, so Sex would no longer be an issue, because I would sexually want him then. I've noticed that if I don't have those things, I am not attracted to the man, especially the 3 top things. The sex part after awhile, I feel is no longer an issue as are the 5 most important things. Of course it's important that you sexually connect, but if he just can't when he get's old or has a handicap, then I can accept that, but would need those are 5 things to know I am loved. Not even financial matters, because I have done it on my own and he doesn't have to be Mr. Richy Rich for me.
All those things will want me want a man, so Sex would no longer be an issue, because I would sexually want him then...Ok, I can understand that. But you're making the assumption that as long as YOU want it, the sex is there for the taking. What if you have that need, but your man DOESN'T???
I guess this is like me and the honesty thing. It's never been an issue before, so it doesn't rank high on the "must haves" because it's an assumed to me. BUT, the sex thing HAS been and therefore I understand it's importance and how it is when I have that need and I am with someone who doesn't really meet it.
West,
Thanks for posting this. For me, sex drive is directly related to whether or not my emotional needs are being met and also if I respect the person. If I don't respect him (because he's a jerk or lazy), then I don't desire him physically. I can't get it on with someone I don't respect no matter how long it's been since I've had sex. I've read that men can sleep with a woman they don't really like.
My top 5 (in no particular order).....
* Affection
* Honesty
* Financial Support (i don't need money from him. but require someone who is as dedicated to his job as i am to mine. it's a matter of respect)
* Recreational Companionship
* Admiration
I guess, I mostly need a man to admire me. Then, everything else falls into place.
I agree with you and feel the same way. I find all 10 to be important, really, but others to lesser extent. I wasn't going to put sex on the list - I waivered between that and family commitment, honesty or conversation. But I have found I do want someone who is open about being intimate. But the other three are a close second.
If I don't respect someone and feel loved and admired then I don't have any physical desire for them.
I found Willard Harvey's books and website and articles to be extremely enlightening as to why my marriage went wrong. And now I know what to look for.
It is really neat that he says that filling someone's emotional needs is a recipe for falling in love. It is also the recipe for staying in love and it is good to be aware of what your partner's needs might be. We all differ for sure. And we should try to fill them for the other person.
He had one book that had cases studies of marriages that were in trouble and then they were fixed by him. It was all very interesting to me.
I think most guys would want sex, physical attractiveness, domestic support, conversation and affection. But they would all differ, too.
And yes, I put financial support for the same reason as you. Not because I desire the mercedes and the country club card, but because I don't want a slouch who drags me down financially. I want to respect him just like you do.
I can understand what Becky is saying about having past issues with some of these points, and that they is why they are high on the list. Like Becky, I had sex issues with my ex. It's no fun when you want it and he never does. Big problem. Also, honesty is high on my list simply because I've been cheated on before. Here's my list:
Honesty
Affection
Sex
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
I also agree with Becky when she said that the way she feels about her husband contributes to her high sex drive. I feel the same way. I do have a high sex drive, but it was cooled down by my exh and also I was in another relationship that was just bad, and I never wanted to have sex with him. However, if I'm in a loving, mutually respectful relationship, that just turns me on even more. But it's also a physical thing for me as well, especially if he is a good lover and my needs are being met, that just makes me want him all the more.
Donna
As much talk as there is about "issues" and "baggage" and how guys don't want a woman with baggage...it's STUPID. Baggage is often experience, and experience brings knowing more about how things should work.
If someone has paranoia about stuff or bizarre behaviors related to the past, that's one thing. But most of what people call baggage is just "I've learned I don't like that"...perfectly legitimate.
That's cool!
1. Admiration. I'm a Leo. This is MOST important to me!!!! LOL!
2. Affection.
3. Sex.
4. Honesty.
5. Recreational Companionship.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
giggle...gotta love an honest woman. "tell me I'm beautiful dahling!"
Hey, pastor eddy is a leo...did I tell you that?
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