white lie--red flag????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
white lie--red flag????
17
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 6:41pm

I'm annoyed at the man I've been seeing for the past 6-8 weeks--Mr. 4:15. He said one thing to me last Tuesday (nothing major), and this Saturday said something else--about having plans for Superbowl party.....He probably lied on Saturday to avoid hurting me (which I wouldn't have been!!). I'm a little insulted that he thinks I'm not smart enough to remember details of conversations (isn't that what women do?)...Am I reading into it too much--because I'm seeing this kind of behavior in divorced men in general--when it was their wives who wanted out--they just don't want to cause disappointment in their current "dates".

I'm not going to bring it up with him (too much drama too early in our relationship), and I can't say that I would never tell a white lie to him (just being honest) But, I would never tell a lie that insults his intelligence by being so easy to be caught.

Any thoughts, experience, tell me to get over it...etc?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:26pm

Hi Mary. If you know you aren't going to bring it up to him, I think you have to let it go. Otherwise, you'll start to question everything eventually, and I personally don't think we can be with someone we don't trust.

That being said, I personally would not bring it up, but I would also be aware. Not that I'd start questioning everything- but maybe at some point, if you really think he's just trying to make you happy and not disappoint you, you could work that into a conversation. Let him know that honesty is exremely important to you- you'd rather hear bad news and be able to deal with it than be lied to, find out, and have to deal with te lie AND the bad news.

And don't ever say to him you might offer up little white lies- hypocrisy is a bad thing, and he'll want to feel like he can trust you, too.

Just my opinion, I hope everyone else chimes in, too.

Moody, avoiding liars and lies at all costs


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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:40pm

I agree with Moody that you should mention casually that he can tell you the truth and you won't be mad or disappointed - that you want the truth - not just something to make you feel good.

I do think this is a strike. If he does it all the time it is going to make you not trust him. And if he does it after your talk then you should be concerned.

Your observations ARE part of the dating process - somewhere along the line you have to decide if he is a go/no go.

Perhaps he had a wife who GRILLED him and demanded selfish things and he learned to take the white lie route to avoid disappointment and nagging? Or perhaps he is a habitual liar and this is just the start?

Avatar for jerbear18
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 8:54pm

This woman only has one thing to say...... Run Mary Run to your local video store and get a chick flick, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey and stop returning his calls.

NEXT...I'm way over trying to figure out what they are thinking. I am woman not dumbman. Even a Vodka induced haze was not enough to muddle my mind when the CEO asked a certain guy I was with at the time if I was his wife recently.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 9:51pm
Well- i suppose everyone tells white lies, d guys or not ... but, it would worry me this early on that you have caught him in 2. Who knows how many you HAVENT caught him in?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 10:11pm
After recently ending a two-year relationship with a chronic liar I will say this: don't ignore red flags. Your instict is going off for a reason. I'm not saying this is enough to end a relationship or become super suspicious. I'm saying, if you start to see several red flags... then you get out, or take a break to see from outside. Had I paid attention to the first few red flags we never would have lasted a month. The first handful, wouldn't have lasted two months. It's amazing what you'll overlook when you like someone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:20pm

Great suggestion, moody--I agree, we need to have the "honesty" talk. It's still pretty early in the relationship, we're still getting to know each other--and it would be good to share that part about myself.

That being said, I came very close to telling a white lie to him last night, but didn't. Instead he will be meeting my daughter (and maybe my mother!) this weekend, as well as a man I am trying my hardest to get over.....should be an interesting, emotional Saturday night.
Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:24pm
It's the possible "habitual liar" that has me concerned....(but, as I just posted to moody, I almost did the same thing. Sometimes too much honestly (re: old crushes) is just too much information so early on.
Thanks,
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:25pm
I would never just "not return his calls"....If I didn't want to see him anymore, I would be honest and tell him.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:31pm

Hi Rich,
I actually only caught him in one lie--and I agree about the white lies--I don't like how he didn't think I would be smart enough to be aware....(red flag--I like intelligent men!)

I hope you're getting over what you did. You were merely gathering information in order to put things in perspective. (Not that I would want it done to me, but if Mr. 4:15 snooped in my house I wouldn't be freaked--I might be flattered--but I have nothing to hide....)
Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:33pm

Men tend to get confused when they are dating more than one woman at a time. If he continued to tell white lies, I would suspect he's seeing someone else and I'd drop him.

Why are you dating if you're still carrying a torch for another man? That sounds like more of a red flag to me, then Mr. 4:15's confusion.

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