why am I crying when this is what i want

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
why am I crying when this is what i want
13
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:13pm

Hi guys, I have been reading this board for a while now and finally decided to try connecting. I have been seperated now for 8 months. I have four wonderful children and I currently live in Germany. I am sooo ready to be back in the States and will be there again soon.

The thing is that I want this divorce. I asked for it. It was such a difficult thing for me because of so many fears and insecurities. One thing that was hard was moving beyond the belief that I had to stay in a loveless marriage because a good christian doesnt get a divorce. But I finally had to say to myself, when do I get to be happy? When do I get to be loved and cherished by someone?

I suppose the reason I am writing this at the moment is because I just get frustrated sometimes at the tears that seem to be floating on the surface so often, when this is what I want, and what I need? Can anyone relate to me here or give me some advice maybe about moving on emotionally?

Thanks,
tj

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:53pm

Welcome!

I think you are totally normal and the same as all of us. Even though I did want my divorce I was sad for a while too. You remember all of the bad times and feel let down and disappointed. You mourn the loss of a stable life and dreams that will never be. You are alone and you feel unloved and empty.

I liken divorce to a forest fire - you go through so much devastation to get to the point where it is all burned to the ground and you must start again.

When I used to feel stressed and overwhelmed over the divorce itself, having the financial strain it caused, my family's inability to understand and be there when I needed them the most, and the strain of single parenthood I would just go to bed. For some reason I always felt stronger to deal with all of that the next day. Some days were better than others.

And you know what? Tomorrow is another day. You never know what it will bring. And the only limits you really have are those you give yourself. AS much as it is a reason to be sad, it is also a reason to be happy - because you are going to go on a journey to get strong by yourself and do new things. And to learn how to find someone who will love you as you.

I hope you stick around and learn as much as I have from our board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 12:04am

((((((HUGS)))))) and welcome! You've come to the right place, and I'm sure everyone will have great advice for you.

I think what you're mourning isn't the man himself, but the loss of the relationship- the loss of the idea of what a marriage should be, the fact that you entered into it fully expecting it to last forever, and you're coming to terms with the fact that it didn't, and with the fact that that doesn't make you a bad person.

You don't say how long you were married, but with four children, I'm guessing at least several years. Since you've presumably spent that much time as someone's wife, it is very hard to suddenly not be anymore. I think a part of us- even when we're in loveless, abusive, or in any way rotten relationships- always yearns for our ideal of what a marriage should be. We want to hold on to the idea that the relationship we're actually in could someday become the relationship we need.

Letting go of that idea, and letting ourselves off the hook for the relationship that failed isn't an easy thing to do. In some ways, it's very like a death has occured- a death of our relationship can truly be as painful as a death of a person.

I think I have felt to some extent what you're feeling. I married very young, and it was completely loveless. However, I wanted very badly for it to work out, simply because I believed that it should. There was absolutely no reason for it to- we were completely different people with completely different goals in life. We also didn't know ourselves enough to be competent to choose life partners. There was finally a catalyst for me to end the marriage, and I couldn't have made a better decision.

However, it wasn't until a substantial amount of time had passed before I stopped feeling like a failure. I was not in any way mourning my ex-husband, but I was very much mourning the fact that I was no longer a wife. Even though I wasn't married for long, being someone's wife helped define who I was, and I floundered a bit when that was no longer one of my roles.

Life is a constantly changing tide- we all have ebbs and flows, and learning who you are- not what roles you play or what hats you wear, but who you are- will help you to get over this. So will time. It's okay to be sad, despondent, and in mourning. It's not okay to let that completely take over your life, and a good counselor will be able to help you through this.

I hope in some way I've helped, and you're always welcome to come here to vent and join in our posts.

Moody, sending soothing thoughts your way


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 9:45am

Hi TJ. I want to send you BIG (((((((Hugs)))))))) right now. I know exactly how you feel. When my ex and I split up for the first time (we got back together to try a 2nd time), I was scared out of my mind! I didn't know if I was going to be a good single parent, worried about my finances, and how I was going to cope in general. My ex was very controlling and put me down a lot. I always did what he wanted me to do to make him happy but I never thought about myself. Boy have I changed!

I will tell you that it takes a while to get stronger and to find yourself. I just recently wrote a paper on finding your authentic self. The best article I read was at http://www.ingearcoaching.com/authentic.htm. The author is Laurie Geary. Her situation sounded a lot like mine so I was very touched by her article. It is up to you if you want to read it. It has taken me almost 5 years to realize what I want out of life and HOW I want it. Of course I have the guy I'm dealing with now BUT I'm standing my ground and being honest with myself. I can only be tolerant for so long though. :)

I hope this helped some. It WILL get better, I promise.

Take care.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 11:31am

Sweetie, it is natural to cry over a divorce even if you asked for it. The thought of leaving behind something that was good even for a moment is sad. A divorce is a finalization that the relationship is over for good. It's a closing of a chapter. I cried over my first divorce and I am separated from my 2nd husband. It's hard even though I know it's right...right now. Eventually, you will stop crying. I promise.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 11:48am

tj,


The hardest loss is What Could Have Been.


I'm so sorry,


~s~

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 1:50pm

Is your Husband stationed in Germany or are you their on the Economy? And is he American or German? I'm just asking because I lived in Germany for 10 years and came back 18 months ago after having lived abroad so long. If you are living on the Economy and married to a German, you have to consider a lot of things before moving back to the States. I just want to make sure you are aware of those things.

Best of luck to you,
Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 3:34pm

Hi Catherine,

I have been living in Germany for five years now. My husband is also American. He works for a German company. I am currently awaiting a court date here to get custody and support before I can return to the States. Apparently that is necessary since we have lived here so long. Any helpful hints you can give me will be greatly appreciated!!

Thanks a bunch,
--tj

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:02pm
First of all, what area do you live in. I may be able to find a good lawyer for you. Secondly, if you have to go through the German system, you are in for a treat (not). I hope you realize you have to be separated an entire year before you can even file for divorce and then depending on the situation if could take an additional two years to get divorced and it will have NOTHING to do with the custody battle. That is another problem all together. You need to make sure your husband will be cool enough to sign papers allowing you to take the children, otherwise, like with me ,it can be another battle. THAT I WON, even though, most don't. It's a split custody level in Germany. Only 10% of all women get full custody and its hard. I don't want to rain on your parade, but you are going to need a good lawyer. I happen to have one for custody and another for the divorce. Just let me know what city you are located at. I was living in the Frankfurt area. My separation started in March 2001, I got divorced in 2004 and custody in 2005. Moved to the States 4 months later. You will need a lawyer that can do both German/American. YOu will need all of his financial paperwork and your paperwork. Make sure you have access to all stocks, all debts, all bank accounts. Everything and anything that is either in his name, your name or both names. Then the fun begins. Copy it all. You want to make sure the lawyer figures out which country you will get the most money. If you can do Europe, then do it. The Euro is so great right now that you can live well with your 4 children in the States, plus make sure you get Alimony for yourself. It may not be a lot of money but 50 Euros is over 75 dollars here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:28pm

I live in BW. I have a lawyer but it is only for custody and support. He is taking a new job in Switzerland in July, so neither one of us will have been here long enough to pursue a divorce...only having been living seperate since Sept. As I am sure you must have done, I had to interview with a social worker from the Jugendamt. She realized that my lawyer had petitioned the court for joint custody with the exception that I be allowed to make the decision about moving. The social worker realized that that would not work with us living in different countries, so she is recommending sole custody to the court. She spoke to my husband regarding this during her appt with him, and he is agreeing to it. Thank goodness. I am also petitioning for support, which he has already been paying, but I need legal documents, which I dont have. They are also going to get some paperwork to ensure that I have legal resource in Switzerland, should he fail to pay. And yes, it will be Euro at this point. Then I will relocate to the States and will have to wait atleast six months before I can file to the actual divorce (I have to est. residency all over again). I am using my expiring residency permit to speed things through court.

--tj

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 4:49pm
You should be able to get the paper work at the court house or from your lawyer. I had to go through the social services too and had numerous interviews and was watched by them on the weekends because my X wasn't going anywhere. The kicker to that he wouldn't grant me custody and lived only 20 minutes away but saw my one DD once every 6 months. He was too busy with his new life. After 5 years of pulling that with the court, they finally got tired of his antics and granted me custody. WHAT A BATTLE and I even had a restraining order on him and that had NO effect to the custody.
Thank goodness he's leaving the country and you can get the kids that will help everything.
By the way, I started with this group a year after my separation while living in Germany. It helped alot, because I often felt very lonely. I hope you stay around. These are a great bunch of ladies that can give you wonderful advice about anything.

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