Why are men such !@#$%^&*?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Why are men such !@#$%^&*?
9
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:43pm
Out of lurker mode for an angry rant. Suffice it to say I have heard the "You're a great person but I don't want to raise someone else's kids..." speech one too many times. What is wrong with men? If I'm at home with my kids, I'm not out sleeping with your best friend behind your back! If I do a halfway decent job of taking care of my kids, that stands to reason that I would do a halfway decent job of taking care of you and/or your kids, right? So why is it the only men who will give single moms the time of day are the ones who think we are so desperate they will get laid on the first date? Why is it that even single dads want a woman with no kids? Why do men expect that a woman who is over 30 has never even been in love with anyone else, much less married? When I meet a man who is over 25 and says he's never been in love, I think there's something wrong with him! Why do men have this preconceived notion of some mold the person they're going to marry should fit, and won't consider anyone who doesn't fit it? I met someone who I would be perfect with, but he would not consider going out with me because I am not 5'2" with brown eyes. Why is it that the deadbeat ex-husbands who have plenty of spending money because they don't pay their child support and lots of free time because they cancel their visitation weekends can get a date every night of the week?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:17pm
A couple months ago, I wrote an essay titled, "I'm a lesbian, leave me alone!!!" In short, it was a humorous rant much similar to your's about the stupid excuses men give me/women to NOT be in a relationship. And at the end, I wrote, "So now, I'll just respond to all dating inquiries with, 'I'm a lesbian, leave me alone!'" If I ever find the hard disk with the copy of it, I'll post it here sometime.

Anyway, LOVE the rant. B/c I can relate, as I'm sure most of us can, on so many levels. Before I started dating my current boyfriend, I had been seeing this guy for about a month, and one night (after a really nice dinner and good conversation) he asks, "Where do you want this to go?" I thought the guy was great (though he did have some quirks I was willing to look past and even found endearing at times), so I told him I'd like it to eventually move forward. He answered me with, "You're just not girly enough for me." And I know you guys can see me, but I am definitely girly!!!! I'm not a prissy, gold-digging airhead....I'm a woman! All of my friends conceded that he's gay...I really don't know, but I found it amazing that it took him a month to figure that one out!

The thing I've come to realize is that for true, genuine, intelligent women who don't play the stupid games society is so into now...it's very difficult to find a man who can appreciate these qualities. We, as mothers, have an even harder time, because the qualities that make us good parents are also the qualities that intimidate a lot of men out there. It's a horrific journey!!!!! I empathize with you completely!!!!!

It boils down to the fact that you can't lower your standards so you continue on the journey of dating until that rarity comes along!!!!! And he will...as cliche as it sounds...it's true. He will. I promise!

Hugs!

Shelley

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:58pm
The women with no kids don't have it so easy either. (I myself have 3 kids). If you get to be to a certain age like say 30 or 35 or it depends on the woman and you have no kids a lot of women do get desperate because of their biological clock. She would probably feel like she has only limited time there would be pressure/desparation towards relationships. This doesn't apply to everyone but it does fit a lot of women. Some men are just jerks and they would probably use the woman's desperation to have kids against her--like maybe stringing her along with promises just to get sex. I haven't really started dating but I have thought about this. I just tell myself to concentrate on what I do have which is my wonderful children, and no a-----hole to make me feel desperate, to feel like lets hurry up and get married before it's too late and I can't have kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:10pm
I understand your frustration. But I also think you just have to be patient for the right one. It was hard for me but I have finally come to grips with this reality.

When a guy really is into you, he will accept your whole package. It doesn't matter if you think you would be perfect with him - it matters what he thinks about you - and you have no control over that - and it is not personal about you - it is about him, how he is wired, what turns him on and what he is looking for.

My child is an asset - and having him is going to help me find the right one this time. Because I have to be more picky and I am going to be patient, hold my heart back and be sure of his intentions.

This problem is universal for all women.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:39am
First of all! Welcome, welcome, welcome to our board.

Honey, I hear ya. Believe me! You aren't alone out their. I had a doozy myself this week and last. I completely flipped out and sent 4 men with a drop kick out the door. I have to post that and another one, so look out for it.

I think it sounds like it's worse than ever before, but in reality, I think it's actually better than it used to be. Years ago, we would of banned with a scarlet letter branded on our head or burned to the stake. LOL

I feel that way often over here in Germany. It really is a worldwide problem. Men seriously do think we are DESPERATE. Nope, this isn't the middle ages anymore. We stand strong and independent. A man is not a MUST, but a nice to have. :)

I don't need a bread winner, because I am the bread winner. I raise my children just fine, even without the male influence. Of course none of it is easy, but it's always a risk we take when we have children. Wouldn't change it for the world, but sometimes, I wish I did have a bit of a break for myself and I wouldn't have such deadbeat fathers. But they are and I can't change that. :-(

Anyhow, you aren't alone. It happens on all parts of the world. Don't give up. I have been dating for 4yrs and I still haven't given up, even though I take times like now and just tell everyone to take a hike.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 6:20am
Thanks everyone, for being here and understanding. The frustration point just went through the roof last night. I think I am reasonably attractive, intelligent, honest, hardworking, and a good mom, but apparently that's not what men are looking for! Or at least, until you get to the good mom part. I'm in the south, and it's like having kids brands you as another man's property forever or something. I am also 5'7", which is apparently another intimidation factor with men. I am a size 10, not model thin, but not really overweight given my hieght, but I am "too big" for these shallow little pigs. I have been dating again for a year and a half, and have only been out with two men more than once. One told me that he didn't think there was a lot of long term potential, but he would like to be "friends with benefits". I was so shocked I burst into hysterical laughter, which was not the reaction he was hoping for. The other had been divorced for 7 years and is still hung up on his ex-wife, who is remarried and has children with the man she left him for. (Not to mention that his youngest son has brown eyes when both he and his ex have blue eyes, but he hasn't realized that.) Some of the single dates I dumped (One or two, I wanted to just shout "run, Forest, run!") but most have ditched me either because I had kids or because I wasn't willing to jump right into a physical relationship. Meanwhile, my ex has women throwing themselves at him in line at the DMV! I work in an industry where I meet very few available men, and somehow manage to attend a church where the only single men in the entire congregation are under 21 or over 60. I'm not Cher and older men are one thing, older than my dad is something else. My friends keep telling me that one day the right one will come along, but even if I don't meet someone and have the heavens open up and angels sing, and God say "That's him!" anytime soon, I would like to at least go out with grown ups, eat food that doesn't come wrapped in paper in restaraunts where there are no clowns in sight, and have conversations that have nothing to do with Spiderman and Dora the Explorer. You know what I mean?

Kelly

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 6:43am
AW Kelly! I know exactly what you mean. Especially, the wrapped food in the restaurants LOL! Where in the South are you from? Have you tried a singles group, to just go out with other single mom's? Going out in a group, you might just meet someone. How about internet dating? Their are zillions of frogs out their, I won't lie to you, but a chance is a chance.

Hmmm, it strikes me as odd that no one asks you out for a second date. Are you maybe WAY to uptight, or always talking about your no good deadbeat X? LOL That happened to me for the first two years. I man bashed anything and everything, until I finally scared everyone and thing away, because I was still too ANGRY. AND I SHOWED IT! THE POOR GUYS!!LOL!

Sometimes I still get that way and then I have to remind myself to be cool. It isn't the guys fault that he sticks his foot in his mouth, by saying something that is totally unacceptable. The most of them just don't have a clue what it takes to be a single mom and what it means to be responsible. Especially a man without children. The men that are divorced, divorced, because the responsibility of having a family was too much. I am glad for what I have though. I am glad I have my children and I am not single without children. I have the greatest fullfillment in my life, even though at times it is tough and I wish CALGON would just TAKE ME AWAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Like I asked earlier, where do you live? Yes, the South is pretty hard. One's you've been branded, theirs basically no way of getting out of the ownership. Everyone still see's you belonging to the person that you got branded from. Awful scenario, but true. Especially Texans. I never used to have my own name. It was always Patricks Girlfriend, or Scotts Fiance. Etc. etc. I used to get sooo angry! My name is CATHERINE and I have an identity. GEESH! That just brought back images. lol.

Big hugs and keep us in the loop.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:32pm
I can sympathize. I have a six year old and am also in executive management, I negotiate huge multimillion dollar contracts. Met a man who did maintenance for an apartment complex and we just hit it off. He seemed like a nice guy with good qualities and a good father to his three kids whom he had 6 out of 7 days per week because their mom was just a party animal. It didn't matter to me what he did for a living..I wasn't looking for some Armani suited, corvette driving guy. I was looking for a man that complemented my life and my son's. I'm above average looking I'm told..never had a problem getting dates...but I'm definetely a mom...I do not dress like nor want to look like Julia Roberts on the Erin Brockovich movie. He and I seemed to really hit it off the first four months..he'd say "I want a woman who is a good person and mother during the day and a tiger in the bedroom"...trust me..I can definetely accommodate and readily enjoy both. UNTIL...his exwife stepped in his house to pick up his kids and saw a photo of me (his ex is the Erin Brockovich type). She had been jealous that he was happy and said "oh I see you are dating the motherly type now"...he told me about it that night when I came over..I noticed it bothered him a bit but let it go. He broke up with me the next week because he said he didn't want a "mom type"...lol. Guess it didn't rattle his ex enough after she saw my pic..she was imagining me as Erin Brockovich competition! Anyway, two weeks later he calls and says "I really do want the mother type and want you back"..yeah right as if. I told him I was darning socks and would need to get back with him on that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 4:46pm

"Anyway, two weeks later he calls and says "I really do want the mother type and want you back"..yeah right as if. I told him I was darning socks and would need to get back with him on that."

Too funny!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:12am
I really had to laugh with what you said to him when he came to ask you back. "Darning Socks." Tooooo FUNNY! Good for you! LOL!