Why did this happen?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Why did this happen?
8
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 4:12pm

Hello everyone. I know you all offer endless amounts of support so I thought I would post to get some perspective on what has recently occurred in my life. I had a little boy almost 4 years ago and became a single mother. Life has been difficult so dating has been off more than on in the last few years. I have only dated two men since meeting who I thought had the potential to be the "one." I met him this summer at a conference that I was attending. Our relationship began beautifully. It was one of those storybook romances. He even flew here to visit me. He took me on magical dates. He made me feel like a lady. He told me he loved me. I admit, I believed him. We talked all day everyday from day one. He sent me beautiful gifts. We both agreed that communication was the most important aspect of a relationship. He lives out of state and our long distance relationship was beautiful. He has two children by his ex-gf. Our last conversation, was one month ago. He called me to let me know that his son got into some trouble. I always respect a man that takes care of his children. Our last conversation also ended positively. He said he would call me the next day. I have not heard from him since. It is totally unlike him to not return text messages, voice mails, or call me. I have called, sent texts and left messages at his home and his place of employment, to know avail. This is so hard for me. We really did have a great time as a couple and I thought that we were in love. It felt that way. I have only been in love twice in my life and this felt totally real. He was amazing and now he is just GONE! I am trying not to think this is my fault. I don't have the best track record with romantic relationships, but I figure if I don't date then I won't get the chance for prince charming to find me. I guess I just needed to vent and just discuss this situation that is my reality at this time. I miss him terribly but I know that I don't deserve such treatment. Thanks for any feedback. I have decided that I need to let it go. I am hurt deeply, concerned and feel very disrespected. I have no closure and don't know if it will every occur. I know you have to get back up and keep trying but I think that I will sit on the sidelines for a while.

Thanks,
Crimson

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 4:48pm

Hi Crimson and welcome.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 5:03pm

Hello Crimson,


I remember your introduction from Roll Call last month. And as I recall you were happy in your relationship. That is what makes your post today so heart wrenching. I am very sorry.


It sounds to me that your long distance man has ghosted in the worst way. And being long long distance makes this even worse, because its not like you can go send friends to check up on him.

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2002
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 6:25pm

i personally wouldn't jump to the ghost conclusion ... but that's only because i had a similar thing happen in a long distance relationship once... the guy didn't call or write for a month.. and while i felt in the dark and that it was time for me to move on....when

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2008
Wed, 12-03-2008 - 3:26pm

I am so very pleased to update you all. Firstly, I want to thank you for your support, words of encouragement and support as a result of my previous post. The next day after I posted, he called me that morning while I was on my way to work. I have to admit, I was upset, angry and hurt. I asked him why he withdrew from us and did not contact me at all. He apologized profusely and told me that he really had no excuse but that his 85 year old mother is dying and he is having tough time dealing with that. He said over the past month, he has been going back and forth to the hospital and doctors with her. He lost his father, his parents were married for 50 years, in July and she has been declining ever since. He is an only child as well. He told me that he just withdrew watching her decline in health. He also stated that he was WRONG! He also said that nothing I did was wrong and that he should have contacted me earlier to let me know what was going on with him. I reminded him that although I liked him, I loved me more. He said he respected that and still wanted me in his life, I would give him a chance. I told him that I would need for us to take our time and take our relationship one day at a time. I also told him that this was his last time withdrawing from me like that and that it was immature and would not happen to me again. I also let him know that if he decided to make a poor decision like that again, that he should just not call me again. He told me that he thought that was fair and that he would like to make it up to me. He also stated that he is not used to having someone in his life that would care enough about him to be concerned. I told him that I don't want to be compared to others in his past and that I am who I am and that I do care about those I care for and show genuine concern. He said that I have done that from day one and that he must work on realizing that he has to accept the care and concern that I show. I also reminded him that I lost my father the exact same way he did and that I also watched my 90 year old grandmother decline in health and eventually pass. I told him to view me as a resource and source of support. I also told him to take some time to get the support he needs for himself and his mother right now. He runs his own business and he also is his mother's caregiver.

All of this to say, I also told him that talk is cheap and he would have to show me his intentions and show me that he cares and wants this relationship to work. I also said that communication is a MUST and without it we have no relationship. He admitted that he needed to work on it and was willing to do so. He has been on his best behavior since he called. He calls me all the time, at work and at home. He has booked a ticket to come visit me this weekend and he is interviewing private duty nurses for his mother. I am hold on for now and keep him in prayer along with his family. I also am going to continue being who I am. Again, thank you for your support!! I will keep you posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Wed, 12-03-2008 - 11:37pm
First give him space. Stop callin stop texting and stop email other than an email that says " I hope things ok and when you find time let me know how you are. I am trying to put some to close door that I wish did not have to close but I sense that we are done and until I hear different we are. I do hope things are OK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Wed, 12-03-2008 - 11:41pm
Nevermind just read the posts...can we say BLONDE moment
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2008
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 1:16pm

Wow....


I know its sad that his mother. But I can tell from your post and what you have said back to him that you realize there is no excuse for no communication. It says a lot about how he will handle stress in the futre with you. He will withdrawl. And thats not healthy in a realtionship. He could have called you and let you know what was up. I think you are very kind and forgiving to give him another chance. I think if I was you I would not invest my whole heart and soul in him at this point. Maybe think about seeing others as well. I just see heartache up the road when things get tough again for him..he will leave? Just be wary, as I can sense you are. Kepp us posted...and thank you for the update!

pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
pacificsun2-1.jpg picture by samsigs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Thu, 12-04-2008 - 9:49pm

Crimson,

I am sad to hear this has happened to you. You are right not to think its your fault in any way. There are many reasons this could have happened. The list could be endless but it will drive you crazy trying to figure it out. It might help to think that some things happen for a reason and there is probably a good reason he is out of your life now. It could be for you to move on and be free to meet the one who is right for you or it could be because this relationship was to take a turn for the worse. But remember you didnt cause this. I find it childish for people to just disappear from other's lives without a word.

It has recently happened to me and I am working on making sense of it. I had recently met a couple of women while running in a triathlon. We ended up training together and running a popular race last week. We had plans for shopping and more runs. But they disappeared from my life and wont answer emails. I have no idea why. Everything was hunky dory when we last said goodbye. But I have decided that all things happen for a reason and there are several reasons they dont seem to be my friends anymore. One reason is so I can have time for my usual running friends and not take time away from the people I have been running and hanging out with for over a year.

Its sad that this has happened but it has happened for a reason. Can you think of why this happened or how you can change it into a positive.

Laurie

anonymous