Why do grown ups behave so poorly
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| Sun, 08-24-2008 - 7:43pm |
I say grown ups here because I know women do this, too.
After my talk (re: meeting kids w/o commitment) with Mr. Summer, we left it "friendly", or so I thought (that was Tuesday). Wednesday, he ignored my text (unusual) I called him later in the evening and he basically gave me the "can't talk now, really busy", which could have been true because he had a big work thing coming up the next day. He asked me to call him Thursday, but I reminded him that he was busy, so he suggested I call the next day. No call from him Friday, texted around 7:30 (which is what I didn't want to do, but did it anyway, duh), no response. Nothing Saturday. Sunday noon, I sent an quick e-mail a la, WTF is going on here (but in only the nicest way). As of now, nothing.
This is after two months of nearly daily contact. What I don't get is why people behave this way. This is a man who is practically attached to his phone, has tons of computers at home, and most important, always told me how important it was for him to do the right thing by other people!!!!!
Yeah, part of me wants to see him because he HAD BEEN so nice to me...and I was lapping it up, but the other part is so angry for being treated this way that I don't really think I could trust him again, or really want a person who treats me like this in my life.
I guess I am just venting...but really, an e-mail is so non-confrontational, and you can even block an e-mail from coming in, so why can't people have to courtesy to let others know what is going on?

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Oh gee, I hate to say this but I went through that too with my abusive ex boyfriend. Its control. Mine did the same thing. He wanted to know personal things about my 17 year old daughter that were none of his business. He coerced me to tell him and said it would be for my benefit and that our relationship should have no secrets.
During the break up I educated myself about abuse and its so very typical for abusers to be controlling. There are good boards here about it called Dealing with Domestic Violence and Abuse. There are good folks on those boards. I have good book recomendations too.
I didnt at first believe that mine was abusive but I read a recommended book on it and it listed early warning signs. My ex didnt have a few of those signs. He had every single one! it was then that I broke up with him. Glad I did too.
Sorry you have to deal with this. Best thing for you is to NEXT him in a hurry and learn from it.
Laurie
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Have you read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft??
I read the book and that is the book I most often recommend. It had the list of early warning signs. I got out early. Only after 7 months with him. I wouldnt have thought it to be abusive if it werent for a knowledgable community leader here on IV and that book. That book is highly recommended here.
I am sorry you were with one for 20 years and glad you are out of the relationship now. Its good you educate your daughter on it too. I think it should be mandatory reading for all women prior to dating.
The subtle signs are so hard to see. Usually everyone around the couple knows that he is abusive first before the women sees it. Its sad but true.
Laurie
The subtle signs are so hard to see. Usually everyone around the couple knows that he is abusive first before the women sees it.
In my case, my exh was my HS Sweetheart and probably the only guy who came back for a 2nd date after meeting my parents, my dad in particular.
You did the right thing....don't second guess yourself. I know how you are feeling, because it sucks to upset someone, I go through that same feeling when I set a boundary and then I have to follow through.
You really HAD to do that to protect your kids from involvement with a guy who is commitment shy.
Wow, this is sooo interesting. My marriage ended BECAUSE my ex was so controlling. The things I could list could go on for hours...My family had been hoping I would leave him for 10 years before I actually did. I didn't even know what emotional abuse was until a therapist practically hit me over the head trying to get me to "wake up".
So when I met this guy and he seemed SO interested in what I had to say (my ex couldn't even remember my birthday after 18 years!), remembered things I said, etc. I can't deny that I was sooo flattered and felt that a HUMAN male was interested in me.
So I guess the moral is that my "controlling man" filter is still not working! But, reading everyone's replies, I can see a few instances of how he was controlling. Since the controlling came in a more "pleasant" form than what I was used to, I must have overlooked it, thinking I wasn't seeing what I was seeing.
Thanks to all for your support!
Honey, try not to be so hard on yourself.
Actually, what was weird was that when we had our chat, he said I should do what I felt most comfortable with and said maybe we could do something different that weekend instead. I didn't say anything about changing the "terms" of our relationship at all. I was pretty happy with how things were going, I just didn't think that since he didn't consider me a "girlfriend" and wasn't willing to make any sort of "exclusive" commitment, that I didn't think it was time to get kids involved.
I texted him the next day saying what would be better, Friday or Saturday, got no response. Called him the next day, he said he needed to call me back, but said we should touch base about the end of the week. So he didn't get a "not interested" vibe, but I am not sure what happened!
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