why do i worry?
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why do i worry?
| Mon, 12-29-2008 - 7:46pm |
My new years resolution is less worrying. I don't know why i do that to myself. (i should pray more... scripture says worry less, pray more...or actually,"If anyone is in

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Loony- what are you worried ABOUT?
Having said that, I think what he is asking for is tough with little ones at home with you. I was never able honestly to give what he is asking for with SYB. I always had to plan and arrange and things cant be as spontaneous with kids. Things can be fluid and exciting because of the people and feelings involved but a whole day to do nothing but sweet nothings is hard to find. In my eyes, those days were before the kids came along unless you have tons of support around you. Also, in your position, at this juncture I would want to revisit the conversation about his feelings regarding the kids before I invested more. Can he accept the kids? Would he take them on and be their role model if things went farther and became "everything" you both wanted? Does he want kids of his own? I know it hasnt been months and months but you are giving yourself to him in leaps and bounds the way I see it physically and emotionally and you are exclusive - and that security about the "what ifs" can go a long way. I say this not to worry you (!!!!!) but just to validate you and maybe to shed light on why your worry button wont flip to the off switch yet. I know my light would not switch off until that conversation came and went.
HUGS over there....
Don't you find all of this worrying and over thinking exhausting?
getting my heart broken. plain and simple. that's what i'm worried about.
yes, i've lived thru it before. it doesn't kill or cause the world to end. But it's no fun. and i'm afraid of it...
but as yoda once said "let go of everything you are afraid to lose" (lest you become darth vader, i guess. angry, bitter and revengeful)
spending a day unplanned.. to just hang out is doable. I have sitters that will either watch the children overnight or for a significant portion of the day. I kinda did that in Nov with flag football day. I had a sitter from 2pm - midnight. MM and I played flag football together, then saw a movie. But recently, probably due to holiday parties, etc. when we've gone out, it has been heavily event \ socially oriented .... with little
Less worry is a good thing. You will find that your life is happier and more care-free. I was once a HUGE worrier, but adopting and the divorce changed that (it's still a work in progress, though). The way I see it now is, if it can't be changed (at least at that time) then why stew on it?
It truly is a conscious decision to stop worrying. You can do it!!!!
This worries me FOR you. Knowing whether someone could accept your kids as their own and can deal with your being a single mom especially with more than one kid to me is not something you should wait to ask about IMO. He hesitated because of it a while back and at the time it worried you then. Now he has moved forward but has never brought it up ( has he?) to reassure and I would need that reassurance. This is why, to me, there is a box to mark that you have kids or want more ( or not) when you fill out a dating profile. So that if someone responds to you, the assumption can be made that they are ok with the idea of being with you + kids if that happy moment ever arrived. It isnt about pushing the meeting of the kids - it is about knowing that the eventuality of kids isnt a problem for them. I am all for living in the here and now but the kids arent going away and if you and MM went the long haul, they would be in the picture with you and he would have to step up to that plate. I just dont want to see you get hurt somehow if he is still doubting that factor. You deserve to know if he is and you also deserve to know if he has made peace with the fact that he could handle the kids.
On a kinda similar note, SYB talked to me early on about whether I would have more kids. He let me know that if I were hesitant about that he needed to know because for him, he absolutely wanted more kids whether they be biological or adopted. He wanted to be part of raising a family of his own. He never minded my DS and his own family growing up was blended so he was perfectly ok with being a great role model for my son but he wants more eventually when we are ready. I was glad he brought it up - I had been afraid to say anything but it allowed me to tell him that yes, I did want more kids when the time was right with WHOEVER that person might be - him, or someone else if we didnt work out. It is about eventualities and possibilities. To me, it has absolutely NOTHING to do with when he gets to meet them or be graced with their cuteness as a friend or as a bf of yours. It has to do with his comfort with eventualities where they are concerned should everything go swimmingly between you.
And I would be surprised if some of your anxieties werent rooted in this somewhere really - I know that would be the case for me.
I think you hit the nail on the head - another insightful and explicit but nice post by city!
I do agree that if
mom_uk2socal - Mom to DS22, DS19, DD16
very insiteful, i agree.
however, i'm not thinking long term. At least i try not to.... I try to think "one day at a time". Perhaps i worry when i think longer than that... or when i'm in a mood and can't seem to turn off the negative thoughts.
i also have self confidence issues when it comes to my children. (so again city's post is very insightful). I feel like they are a handful and may be too much to ask any guy (especially one i admire... which makes it a catch 22 scenario) to take on. This issue is mine to own and overcome. To feel instead that it would be a huge blessing to any guy lucky enough to get to be a part of my family.
I have gotten over soooo many selfconfidence issues (believe it or not.. "sex" used to be one of them). MM is a good guy! I'm sure for him, at this point, it is way to overwhelming to think about FIVE children. I like it being just about him and me. As we get to learn about each other... and things are going well in that regard. And for the first time, in a long time, i feel happy about who i am dating. In a rational state of mind, he doesn't give me anything to worry about.. I make that stuff up by myself. And i resolve to stop doing that... I appreciate you all being here for me... it helps me from getting lost in my own head. I need girl friends when i'm feeling paranoid, etc. And i need the bible.
I don't need to be clingy with MM (my sister said i sounded clingy)... and as Alison said, i don't need to constantly ask him how he feels or whatever. One day later and he won't suddenly change his mind. And i'm sure if he does... he'll tell me about it.... so i have nothing to worry about.. really.
I could see how you worry about the kids being overwhelming to someone who doesn't have kids. Which is why it's important to talk about the kids more, like Savannah mentioned, so he feels like he "knows" them a little when he meets them in person. Talk about their quirks and sense of humour, share their jokes or funny times with him so he sees them in a really positive and upbeat manner.
The other point I would mention is that you may have FIVE children, but not full time. Since the older two are typically with their father, you're not spread out over 5 bodies wanting attention- nor are they all young and needing hands on attention 24/7 like young children do.
And while it's good to think "one day at a time", it's ok to think long term and envision what that may look like. It may also be a good thing to talk to him about- what his expectations are about when/ how he would like to meet your children. If he says he's not ready for that, then he's not ready and it's not the end of the world. It's new and young and fresh, with no rush or obligation.
ENJOY YOURSELF.
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