why does he want to stay friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
why does he want to stay friends?
28
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:14pm
My ex boyfriend sent me another email saying that he still has hopes that we can be friendly. No, he doesn't mean FWB. He wouldn't ever suggest that or do that. He's not creepy like that.

I posted about him before. He's a big commitment phobe. I don't know why he wants to be friends. I emailed him back and said that we could be friends after I get a hot new boyfriend. I said it in a joking way..not mean. If I was truly 'over' him, I could be friends with him. But, not the way it is now. It would bug me when he starts dating someone new. I wouldn't be jealous of that other woman, I'd just be jealous that I hadn't found anyone new yet. You know how that is.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:16pm
Fivesense:

I know exactly what you mean. I'm not sure why they want to be friends. My exbf called me Saturday night. I was on the phone with someone, so I missed the call, but I saw his number on the caller ID. It's been at least a month since I last talked to him. What could he want? He said we would be lifelong friends, but I agree with you, unless you are totally over someone, being friends with them is not a good idea. Just wanted to tell you you aren't alone.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 3:33pm
Hey Donna,

Was that the ex boyfriend who suddenly started cancelling dates on you and not calling? I remember when you broke up with that guy, if it's the same one. He sounded a lot like the guy I just broke up with. I remember when you made your split from this guy that I said something to the effect that he would call you again. They always call you again!

After I sent my email to my ex boyfriend saying we could be friends after I get a hot new boyfriend...he just emailed be back "aaaaagreeeeed, have a great day!" As if me getting a new guy wouldn't bug him a bit.

I won't email him again. I bet you money he'll call me after a few weeks of silence though. I can't deal with that guy. He makes me feel bad about things in general.

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:32pm
I agree with you and how you handled this. Perfect - could not have done better myself. You can be friends again when you have a hot new boyfriend!! Very good!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:54pm
That was funny because Jack is dating some new girl and we have actually TALKED about our dates with the other people. We both are not too thrilled. I think guys like to keep you around "as friends" in case one day their stupid fears melt away and they realize they made a huge mistake in dumping you. I think they KNOW when they dump you they are making a mistake but just aren't man enough to step up to the plate. My interpretation is "I do like you but I don't like myself/know myself enough yet to trust that is enough or is what I want so please hang around in case I realize what a weenie I am". Of course sometimes it just means that the feelings they have for you are real even if they don't know what feeling that is. I have guy friends that I have had for over a decade they came from a serious relationship. One is an ex fiancee. I say the more friends the better. I am not all creepy about FWB either but to each their own LOL.

hehehe

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:42am
Laura,

I've been following your Jack story too because he does sound a lot like my ex boyfriend. I've thought about remaining friends and I don't think that will work out for me. It's more liberating for me to cut my losses, move on, bury the dead the relationship. That's just my personality though.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:49am

The question you need to ask is

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:57am
I don't think it would benefit me to stay in contact with him. It doesn't feel right to me and I won't do it. I'm happier when I think about living my life completely free of him. I won't have to listen to his self-absorbed stories or hear about his friends and his exploits.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:03pm

well there ya go you just answered your own question--


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:17pm
Tricia:

Yeah, that's the guy. In my situation it would be easier to stay friends with him if things ended a little bit different. I thought he acted kind of snakey there at the end, and he didn't have the guts to end it, I had to, so talking to him now would be a bit awkward for me. It was always easy to talk to him, but I think now I would have a hard time biting my tongue and keeping myself from saying stuff like, why did you have to be such a jerk. So, better off not said. I will admit though, there were times I wanted to call him. He was a good person to talk to, but like I said, it was going nowhere, so why torture myself. As for FWB, believe me, I've thought about that too. He was very good, and I miss that. And I've thought about calling him and suggesting we get together for one purpose only, no strings attached. But, I couldn't bring myself to do it, as much as I wanted to. He lives too far away, and I just can't see myself asking for that. I'd look too desperate and pathetic. So, it was just a passing thought -- nothing I would ever act on. Not my style. Guess I should invest in one of those you-know-whats that everyone is posting about. I think I have one hidden in my closet somewhere -- old BF got it for me and I haven't used it in years. Maybe I should see if the batteries still work. LOL.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:37pm
The you-know-what sounds better to me than FWBs. My ex was good too, but there's always another guy out there who will knock your socks off. I would rather wait for that next guy, than waste time fooling around with my loser ex. If I wanted something casual, I could find a college boy for that (not doing that either).

Donna, I've got events planned for the next several weeks through different social clubs in my area. You should see what's available in your area. I used to be a serial online dater. That's where I met my ex, but I'm going to try a different approach this time. I'm not saying I'll never go back to online dating, but I'm hoping this other approach leads to a better relationship. I mean, if the guy sees me, and then wants to get to know me, there's never that blind date scenario. It's a more comfortable situation from the start.

I just deleted every last email I ever got from my ex boyfriend. If he calls me, I won't answer the phone. I won't answer his emails either. He was completely self-absorbed during our relationship....I feel better without him in my life.

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