why does he want to stay friends?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
why does he want to stay friends?
28
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:14pm
My ex boyfriend sent me another email saying that he still has hopes that we can be friendly. No, he doesn't mean FWB. He wouldn't ever suggest that or do that. He's not creepy like that.

I posted about him before. He's a big commitment phobe. I don't know why he wants to be friends. I emailed him back and said that we could be friends after I get a hot new boyfriend. I said it in a joking way..not mean. If I was truly 'over' him, I could be friends with him. But, not the way it is now. It would bug me when he starts dating someone new. I wouldn't be jealous of that other woman, I'd just be jealous that I hadn't found anyone new yet. You know how that is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 5:17pm
Tricia:

Self-absorbed, that sounds like you're describing my exbf. LOL Even though you miss them at first, you know we are much better off without them. And I hope you're right about the next guy knocking my socks off. LOL

Those social events that you have planned sound great. I saw in one of your other posts that you gave that website, and I wrote it down. When I have time, I'm going to check it out. About 2 months ago, I did find a single parents club by my house, and I have gone to some of the activities. In fact, I met the guy I just started dating through that club. It's always good to keep your options open.

Cheers to you for deleting the e-mails. You sound so strong and so positive. It takes me a little bit longer to get over things. But when I saw my exbf's number on my caller ID, I thought, what does he want? As my daughter would say, don't know, don't care.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:23am
It's funny about being strong. I thought this whole grieving process was going to take longer. I was so down in the dumps just last week. I think getting this last email from him helped and this morning when I woke up I felt as if I had completely fallen out of love for my ex. The thought of getting back together with him or staying friends feels downright icky to me. He was way more into himself than me. He's the kind of guy that would leave a wife if she had terminal cancer because he wouldn't want to be bothered with that kind of thing. Why I thought he was capable of loving me or accepting my child is something I'll never understand. I guess I liked the physical relationship, but I always like that stuff so I'll like the next guy that way too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:44am
Bravo to you!! You have come a long way quickly. Time does heal all wounds and it helps us to see the purpose of things in life and what is meant to be.

Now you are ready for the next chapter and you WILL find someone who is "that into you" because you will have that as your goal and know the difference between the BS and the real thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Go girl! And do keep us posted with your stories.

One question - do you see things from the beginning of the relationship that you might not have noticed then but would reject him on now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 1:55pm
Yes, in hindsight, I do realize that there were tons of signs that I chose to ignore. Early on, I didn't feel comfortable calling him. He controlled the timing of phone calls. That was one of the ways he kept me at arm's length. Also, he wasn't verbally affectionate at all even after I expressed concern about that. I did notice early on that he was selfish. I don't know why I thought I could accept that. He wasn't a bad person. He didn't cheat or fight with me, but he wasn't into me. So, I've added 'needs to be into me' to my list of must haves. Also, this guy drank more than I cared to. He was a binge drinker and I think he avoided me at times because I wasn't into getting stupid drunk. Yeah, real winner, huh? No wonder he's 38 and never been married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 5:17pm

Tricia:

Are you sure we weren't dating the same guy? LOL. (Can't be -- my ex is 43 -- but also never been married -- and probably never will be). Your ex sounds SOOOO much like my ex. And yeah, after it was over, I saw things that I brushed aside that I shouldn't have. I think everyone does that to one degree or another. My ex sometimes drank too much also. It was starting to worry me when he could call me on a weeknight and sound half in the bag. YIKES! Are'nt we glad we said goodbye instead of it being the other way around. Cheers to us!

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 8:50am

Donna,

I think my ex avoided calling me there towards the end because he was drinking too much. He only ever called me one time when he had been drinking and he apologized profusely for it and never did that again. I'm sure he's into some weekend binges right now. The funny thing about all that is that he complained to me about some of his ex girlfriends having problems with drinking.

Really the only thing that upsets me now about this whole relationship is the fear that this is the only kind of man out there. Your ex was like mine. When I read the other message boards, it seems to be a common theme. Are they all just sacks of crap? I'm getting back out there, but it kind of depresses me. I don't want to get my hopes up again, fall in love, and have some man completely flake out on me.

Tricia

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 9:57am

I can totally relate to both of you with regards to finding someone. I always have faith but I am very aware of the issues with dating now.

One of my friends now is dating a guy who likes to binge drink on the weekends. He is younger and this seems to be the thing they do in college. We have done some research on it and the stats are alarming. I don't know where you draw the line with binging and alcoholism - some say they grow out of it and some say they don't.

I think that it helps if you go slow and keep your heart in check. Make sure his intentions and actions stand the test of time. Don't rush.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 12:07pm
I had few rules about men I'd date....mainly, everything I cared about and looked
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 1:06pm

Amen sistah! That was definitely on my list too! If I even heard a mention of the word "pot" on a date or a phone call it was instantly over. I was not heading into that territory. And I watched all my dates VERY closely for their drinking behavior because I was not about to go into that territory again.

That's one of the things about D that I absolutely cherish. Neither one of us has ever smoked pot or tried any other drugs. Drinking we did in college, but now if either one of us has even one drink we're pretty much stupid. lol There is no alcohol in our house at all unless someone brings it to us for a special occasion, and that's the way we like it. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 2:14pm

"That's one of the things about D that I absolutely cherish. Neither one of us has ever smoked pot or tried any other drugs. Drinking we did in college, but now if either one of us has even one drink we're pretty much stupid. lol There is no alcohol in our house at all unless someone brings it to us for a special occasion, and that's the way we like it. :)"


I'm with you too, sistah!!