why does he want to stay friends?
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why does he want to stay friends?
| Mon, 10-18-2004 - 12:14pm |
My ex boyfriend sent me another email saying that he still has hopes that we can be friendly. No, he doesn't mean FWB. He wouldn't ever suggest that or do that. He's not creepy like that.
I posted about him before. He's a big commitment phobe. I don't know why he wants to be friends. I emailed him back and said that we could be friends after I get a hot new boyfriend. I said it in a joking way..not mean. If I was truly 'over' him, I could be friends with him. But, not the way it is now. It would bug me when he starts dating someone new. I wouldn't be jealous of that other woman, I'd just be jealous that I hadn't found anyone new yet. You know how that is.

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Maggie had an excellent suggestion. I also pay attention to what my date drinks, because I'm not getting in a car with someone who has had 8 drinks, or if he had had 8 drinks, I'm driving. I always try to pay attention. What's funny is whenever we were together, Mark never drank more than a few drinks. He knew up front I wasn't going to tolerate a heavy drinker because I was with a heavy drinker in the past and wasn't going there again. Maybe it was just a front. Out in public, he behaved, but behind closed doors, he drank heavily. The time that he called me half in the bag was the last time I talked to him. I asked him if he had been drinking, and he said he had a couple. I don't care who you are, we can always tell, and I knew it was more than a couple. The thing I don't get (and I might totally be alone on this one and I'm sorry if I offend anyone), but I don't get the "drinking alone" thing, especially on a weeknight. I'm a social drinker. I drink when I go out, which is usually on the weekends. If I'm driving, I have one. If I'm not driving I might have two. That's about it. I just can't and never could see sitting in your house, alone, and having a six-pack. To be perfectly straightforward, I might even have a glass of wine or a beer at home once in a while, but that's usually if I'm over stresed, and I need to relax. But one's the limit because I have to get up at 5:30 in the morning, and drinking more than that would have me sleeping til noon. LOL. Maybe that's the difference between men and women, we know "when to say when".
Donna
"What's funny is whenever we were together, Mark never drank more than a few drinks. He knew up front I wasn't going to tolerate a heavy drinker because I was with a heavy drinker in the past and wasn't going there again. Maybe it was just a front. Out in public, he behaved, but behind closed doors, he drank heavily."
Donna, a question for you, it might help others recognize this kind of behavior......did he basically have a few drinks every time you went out?
Becky:
I totally agree with you, and I didn't mean to offend anyone. I just don't think it's fun to get drunk by yourself, not that it's fun to get drunk with somebody either. At least not any more. When you're young and you don't have kids to take care of in the morning, it's a different story. What I meant was the last time I talked to Mark, he was obviously drunk because he could hardly talk and he wasn't making any sense, and he was home alone. I don't think there's anything wrong with having a few drinks at home but get where you can't talk, that's bad. And I'm sure you don't do this. Maggie had a good point. Someone who is a heavy drinker can drink a lot and hide it well, whereas an occasionally drinker would be under the table with 4 drinks. I'm Irish and I come from a beer drinking family. My dad would have a beer while watching tv, and he probably still does. I think it's only a problem if you have to have it.
Donna
Maggie:
That was a good question, and I had to think about it. When we would be together like on a Saturday or a Sunday afternoon, no he wouldn't drink. But when we would go out in the evening, now that I think about it, he would drink, and if I remember correctly, it was probably every time. Now that I think about it, he probably did have a drinking problem.
"I ask because I've noticed that people who drink too much will order drinks every time. It's not occasional with them. They can have "a few" (3, 4, 5?) and not seem affected. It takes a lot more to get them obviously drunk, because they're so built-up to drinking a lot...tolerant of alcohol. For those of us who drink very little, "a few", even 3, would put us under the table, or at least staggering!"
That's an excellent point and so true. Three drinks and I wouldn't be able to drive, that's why I always tried to watch what the other person was drinking and limit my intake so that I could drive home. Just a matter of self-defense. So I guess for a heavy drinker to be slurring words or staggering, they must have drank an awful lot. I found out after we broke up that the first guy I dated after my divorce had a ritual of leaving working and sitting in a bar for at least an hour before he drove to my house, which was 1/2 hour away. I never noticed that he was drunk, but like you said, he was used to it, so he didn't show it. What tipped me off was when we were at a family reunion together and at 7:00 a.m. he opened a Mike's Hard Lemonade and starting drinking it. I asked him why he was drinking it and he said because he was thirsty. I told him flat out that he drank way too much and that he had a problem if he needed to drink at 7:00 a.m. That was the last time we were "a couple". Now he's somebody else's problem, thank God. But since then, I usually try to be very aware of what and how much my date is drinking. Don't want to go down that road again.
Donna
About my ex, and sort of in my defense, his drinking snuck up on me. He doesn't keep a lot of alcohol in his house, almost none. When we first started dating, drinking wasn't a part of things. When he introduced me to his friends, who were all married and lived in big huge houses and have great jobs, that's when I noticed the drinking. They'd all get together on a Friday or Saturday night and drink, drink, drink. I thought it was odd. I've never been around people who liked to drink so much (except when I was in college). My ex husband was never a drinker. I had never gotten drunk with any boyfriends in the past.
When I knew there was a problem, was when I realized that even though he drank too much at his friend's house, he probably wasn't drinking as much as he would have liked to. I realized he was holding back. 6-8 drinks for him was holding back. When I wasn't around, I suspect he drank a lot more than that. We didn't see each other that often because he kept me at arm's length and he loved that I had my son most of the time. It was a convenient excuse to not see each other. I think he is the classic binge drinker. He could goes days on end without drinking, but if he's drinking...he's DRINKING!!
I think he knew I wouldn't accept his alcohol intake and he didn't want to shape up....hence, he felt he needed to be single right now. I never said anything to him about the drinking, but he knew. I won't accept another drinker like that in my life and I'll pick up on it sooner in the future. I was shocked that his married best friend and his wife would get stinking drunk while their 5-yr-old son was sleeping. I would never let that happen under my roof.
"About my ex, and sort of in my defense, his drinking snuck up on me. He doesn't keep a lot of alcohol in his house, almost none. When we first started dating, drinking wasn't a part of things. When he introduced me to his friends, who were all married and lived in big huge houses and have great jobs, that's when I noticed the drinking. They'd all get together on a Friday or Saturday night and drink, drink, drink. I thought it was odd. I've never been around people who liked to drink so much (except when I was in college)."
Donna, I completely understand how
I totally agree. And I know noone meant any disrespect or judgement here.
I do have a glass of wine or two at home sometimes alone when I need to chill. And to be honest with you I love the taste of a good Cabernet and it's better for me then pepsi, so why not!? But getting drunk alone, okay, yep, I've done it, am I proud of it, nope. Were my kids in the house, nope. But hey, when I've been really down I have gotten drunk alone, I'll admit it. Has it happened monthly or weekly, nope!
A guy who did this on a regular basis would scare me right off. A guy who had to drink every day would scare me right off. My guy doesn't drink much at all, which works out well, he's the designated driver almost every time we go anywhere. ;)
But don't feel ashamed of your wine and relaxing routine. I'm with you! It's heavenly.
:O
Tara
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