I haven't read it, but I'm putting it in my library queue. I liked this part
"IF after a year of dating, there is still no mention of marriage, you need to very calmly and firmly tell him that this relationship just is not working out and perhaps you should go your separate ways. No continuing to talk or hookup for sex. It may take awhile, but the author feels that if it is meant to be, he will realize what a gem he let go and come running back to you."
just because that is exactly what I did. I broke up with Barry for a short moment back in July (I never posted about it here; sorry) because we had been together for 2 years and we were still only seeing each other every other week when I didn't have K. He came to a few family gatherings and had met my son several times, but it still didn't feel like we were moving towards anything. We were separated for about 3 weeks (with sporadic phone calls here and there) when he called me with his "plan". He wanted to see me and my son every weekend, and wanted me to start looking for a job closer to him. Once I got a job out here, the 3 of us moved in together. It wasn't the way I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to make a big fuss like a child and I didn't want to just let it keep going indefinitely. It seemed a little manipulative at the time, but B has even admitted that he had started to think about us being together more and didn't really know how to broach the topic. So she's not completely off base with her book.
I have been following these tactics in my current relationship and it seems to be working for me, mostly in keeping drama out of the picture. I never call him, ever, unless I am returning his call. After two months, he calls ME virtually every day. I almost never make a date unless it is a time I am assured that I am free and I am looking for something to do. As of this point, I have never discussed emotional things unless he brings them up first and even then I keep a lot to myself.
Honestly, I am not sure why after 45 years (today is my birthday...yeah and nay) I have decided to take a different tactic. I think something hit me in November when I decided to give up looking for a date and try to deal with myself. Early in December I got back in contact with an old friend after 14 years and she said something so interesting...she decided that she was better company to herself than any "not just right" guy. So I decided to go about my life the same way.
So now as I see it, this guy's role is to ADD something to MY life. I am not here to make him happy, make him better, make him what I want him to be. He has issues, to be sure, but I am not married to him, so I can just take the good at this point, and not have to deal with the bad. If it comes to that point, again, I will have to think, what is this ADDING to my life?
As women, we go into caretaking mode really easily and I think that when we do that, it conveys neediness that men hate. Men are really less emotional than we are and I think if we remember that, it helps deal with their nonsense. I thought that being emotional meant that I was "in love" but all it caused was more pain than happiness.
I have heard of this book watched a few interviews with the auther.......havent read it. I just believe that every relationship is different. In some cases the woman washing his clothes isnt a bad thing if he works all the time and she has the time and she enjoys it and he appreciates it. I know I enjoy doing little things for the men I have dated but not laundry...I have 5 kids he can truly do his own LOL. It just depends on the whole pic and each persons needs.
The only advice I disagree with, for personal reasons, is not having "the talk" before having sex. I have no desire to sleep around, and I expect the same from my partner.
With JB, we talked of dating, getting to know each other and confirmed that neither was dating or sleeping with others- nor did we want to. We are exclusively dating without much fuss of talk :P
I was actually surprised at the author's stand on that too. She did talk briefly about condom usage, but not monogamy or being exclusive prior to sex. Just that you shouldn't make any huge assumptions just because you sleep together.
Kind of flies in the face of common sense these days with all the diseases out there!
Yes BUT she also talks about not sleeping with a guy too soon because if you do you usually end up finding out that the girlfriend he technically broke up with is still sleeping with him.
Thanks for the report, B! I like the idea of an occasional book report here. Maybe we can make it a regular thread.
I have not read the book...but I agree with the concept you outlined. In particular... what I find the most true and enjoyable about life and relationships at my age (already did the married and have kids thing) is that I am not feeling urgent and chomping at the bit to settle down. Just like
all sounds good. My opinion though, is that it is less about "tactic" and more about becoming a whole person. Because once you've done that then you don't resort to rules or strategy but rather you become truely a
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I haven't read it, but I'm putting it in my library queue. I liked this part
"IF after a year of dating, there is still no mention of marriage, you need to very calmly and firmly tell him that this relationship just is not working out and perhaps you should go your separate ways. No continuing to talk or hookup for sex. It may take awhile, but the author feels that if it is meant to be, he will realize what a gem he let go and come running back to you."
just because that is exactly what I did. I broke up with Barry for a short moment back in July (I never posted about it here; sorry) because we had been together for 2 years and we were still only seeing each other every other week when I didn't have K. He came to a few family gatherings and had met my son several times, but it still didn't feel like we were moving towards anything. We were separated for about 3 weeks (with sporadic phone calls here and there) when he called me with his "plan". He wanted to see me and my son every weekend, and wanted me to start looking for a job closer to him. Once I got a job out here, the 3 of us moved in together. It wasn't the way I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to make a big fuss like a child and I didn't want to just let it keep going indefinitely. It seemed a little manipulative at the time, but B has even admitted that he had started to think about us being together more and didn't really know how to broach the topic. So she's not completely off base with her book.
I have been following these tactics in my current relationship and it seems to be working for me, mostly in keeping drama out of the picture. I never call him, ever, unless I am returning his call. After two months, he calls ME virtually every day. I almost never make a date unless it is a time I am assured that I am free and I am looking for something to do. As of this point, I have never discussed emotional things unless he brings them up first and even then I keep a lot to myself.
Honestly, I am not sure why after 45 years (today is my birthday...yeah and nay) I have decided to take a different tactic. I think something hit me in November when I decided to give up looking for a date and try to deal with myself. Early in December I got back in contact with an old friend after 14 years and she said something so interesting...she decided that she was better company to herself than any "not just right" guy. So I decided to go about my life the same way.
So now as I see it, this guy's role is to ADD something to MY life. I am not here to make him happy, make him better, make him what I want him to be. He has issues, to be sure, but I am not married to him, so I can just take the good at this point, and not have to deal with the bad. If it comes to that point, again, I will have to think, what is this ADDING to my life?
As women, we go into caretaking mode really easily and I think that when we do that, it conveys neediness that men hate. Men are really less emotional than we are and I think if we remember that, it helps deal with their nonsense. I thought that being emotional meant that I was "in love" but all it caused was more pain than happiness.
Great report B!
The only advice I disagree with, for personal reasons, is not having "the talk" before having sex. I have no desire to sleep around, and I expect the same from my partner.
With JB, we talked of dating, getting to know each other and confirmed that neither was dating or sleeping with others- nor did we want to. We are exclusively dating without much fuss of talk :P
I was actually surprised at the author's stand on that too. She did talk briefly about condom usage, but not monogamy or being exclusive prior to sex. Just that you shouldn't make any huge assumptions just because you sleep together.
Kind of flies in the face of common sense these days with all the diseases out there!
~b~
Thanks for the report, B! I like the idea of an occasional book report here. Maybe we can make it a regular thread.
I have not read the book...but I agree with the concept you outlined. In particular... what I find the most true and enjoyable about life and relationships at my age (already did the married and have kids thing) is that I am not feeling urgent and chomping at the bit to settle down. Just like
all sounds good. My opinion though, is that it is less about "tactic" and more about becoming a whole person. Because once you've done that then you don't resort to rules or strategy but rather you become truely a
I agree w/ Loony on this one.
I get twitchy when I hear about books who tell you how to act, and what to do or not do.
I knew I would forget something when I sat down to post about the book! Thanks for bringing up this point!
~b~
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