Will he be into us, or just ME??
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Will he be into us, or just ME??
| Wed, 05-04-2005 - 6:03pm |
Hey, I have been reading some of these, and I am at that stage of dating where we do go out when my son is with his father, and he'll come over when my son (age 2) is asleep, but when do I know if I am wasting my time? Meaning, he does ask questions about him a little, and we have only been dating a short while, but when do you know when to introduce; when do you know when it's time to move on with him or without him. Sorry, but this is confusing to me!! Thanks, shell

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Do you think your bf is really into you and is ready/wants a serious relationship? Does he have what it takes to make you and your son happy over the long term? What do you want out of dating with him?
I think you just get an intuition after about 3 to 6 months of where the two of you are going and if it is going to last. I don't think it hurts to wait too long. Children get attached to men and it is not fair to the kids when the relationship doesn't work out and that man just disappears - you might want to keep that in mind.
Tell us more about you - and about him - how did you meet him? What do you like about him?
I'd like to know...how long exactly have you been dating? I've dated guys for months that never once asked to meet my children...it was pretty clear that they just wanted to entertain mom on her free nights...they always ask about the kids, but it was polite conversation. The guy that actively pursued meeting the kids, getting to know me as a mom, developed a role for himself in our lives...he's the man I married.
Keep us posted!
While I agree that you don't want your child to become attached if the relationship doesn't go anywhere- on the other hand, you want to see how they get along before you can assess if things will work or not.
You should have them meet in a neutral setting, and introduce him as your friend. Tell your guy to keep his hands to himself for the time being when your son is around. You could have him and other friends over for dinner, like a potluck or something, so that he they can meet but the pressure will be lower for both of them.
At some point after you have them meet, you will discuss your relationship and where it is heading. If you are both happy and moving forward, you've become exclusive and see a future together, then introduce the idea of him as your boyfriend to your son. Have him spend more time with the two of you- but don't over do it.
So far he's really only seen you as you, and you need to show him a little of you as mom so he knows the real you as a whole. I hope that things work out for you!
Alison
Hi again....okay, first we've only been dating a month. But this is really new to me so I just don't want to make mistakes. From the messages I received so far, thank you already! So if he doesn't want to meet my son after 3 months or so, then he really isn't interested is good advice. About him, he is very polite, responsible, and into me. Listens to what I have to say, and when I talk about my son, he seems concerned and interested. I met him through my sister, which in a way couldn't be better because somehow she always seemed able right away to detect if a guy was right for me. So our first date was a blind date. We both just got out of the Army Reserves. I work in Personal Lines Insurance and he's a UPS Driver, which happen to be about a block away from one another. He asks about my son, but like the other woman said, is it just polite talk? He is in a polka band, and already bought my son his own children's accordion. I know it's too early to tell, but I will share my story, hopefully helping other single moms along the way...thanks to all for your help. And oh, thanks for the dinner suggestion, but my son is just 2. I don't think he would get it. And my son is very outgoing and friendly. In fact, I took him to a wedding this past weekend and he danced and chatted with people more than I did! His own father only comes to get him maybe once a week, and I don't think he really gets that situation much more than he calls him Daddy. Which is all the more reason I will openly admit I want a good man in both of our lives, not just mine.
Michelle
Sounds like you are doing great and on the right track.
It sounds like he is treating you really well. UPS is a great company to work for and it is good you are both out of the military. I like that your sister set you up!! How fun!!
I would say from what you write so far that you are going to do great with this one. If he is asking about your son and buying him a cool gift that is all great. I think it would be natural for him to worry if he is saying/doing the right things with your son.
I think you should just take it slow. Respect the fact that this is all new to him, you, and your son. See what happens over time. I think you will know when the time is right - some fun situation will come up where you will all three want to do something fun and spontaneous - keep it light, not a formal meeting. Just an outing that is fun for all.
AND of course, keep us posted - this is an encouraging story for all of us as well!!
I was sort of "forced" to introduce my kids to my boyfriend(4 months) sooner than I had hoped because my EX was snooping around and found his name and phone number, so he figured that it was more serious than just a "date" so he opened his big mouth and told our 8 year old daughter, who in turn, questioned me... telling me that Daddy told her that I have a boyfriend and how come I didn't tell her. I took it from there and told her that I met a "friend" who I really like spending time with when they are with Daddy, so I am not bored and lonely. She wanted to meet him. BF and I decided to take all of our kids (my 8yo and 2.5yo and his 2yo) out for lunch and to a children's museum. She loved him, he loved her, and it just became regular that we did a lot of stuff together on weekends... my girls now call him "Sweet Mike". So, even though I had hoped to keep date from my kids for about 6 months, after they met, it made things grow more. It shows me more that he wants the "family" stuff, not just me on Saturday nights when my girls are gone... and since we both have our kids full time (minus bits of visitation with the EX's) that is really important that they all are doing well together.
That being said... I forgot in your original post how old your son is, but I read in a SINGLE PARENTING book, to go out somewhere on neutral turf, and do something that you STINK at, so the BF and the kid(s) have something in common, sort of leaving you "out". If your son is young, I would so something active, like the park, or ballfield, or ChuckECheese type place... so you can see if the BF gets down and PLAYS WITH your son, not just sit and watch him, being with you.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes. It surely is wonderful to find someone who treats your children as well as they treat you.
Alison,
I don't understand why you would tell your child (ern) that your bf is your friend and then see if they get along it's okay for them to know he's your bf?
Hi, it's Michelle again, the mother of the 2 year old. I will say this, that my son's father, who only comes to get my son maybe one day a week, CONSTANTLY has his girlfriend around and her 4 year old daughter. I have asked him why can't he spend one on one time with him, even if it is an hour at the park? But he still doesn't. In fact, when he comes to pick him up, drop him off, she comes along. He can't even drive him home without her. I just know that if I ever am serious with someone, I will still spend one on one time with my boy. Maybe that is why i am so apprehensive to bringing him around my boyfriend. Because I see my son confused as it is. In my opinion, every parent whether married or single should spend time alone with their child(ren). They need and want that attention. A little off the subject, but it was something I needed to say. More on my dating as it progresses!
Peace and blessings,
Michelle
Lori,
I only mention the "introducing them as a friend" when they're little- my son was under 2 when I left his dad, so he didn't get the idea of "boyfriend" yet. Then during the next 3 years I only dated a few guys- nothing really serious, so I didn't want them to all meet ds as "this is my date or boyfriend".
When I met my current bf, my ds was visiting his dad, so we had time to date without him there. And when I introduced him as a friend, they got a long well. It wasn't too long until I sat down with ds and told him that J was my boyfriend. At that point, I began showing affection with bf in front of ds and he has been very open about it.
I guess I didn't want to confuse him with guys coming around- until I found the right one and we were serious. I allowed him the opportunity to know who this person was, so that he could get used to the idea of him in our life before anything else.
I think it's worked out well.
Alison
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