Will he EVER want to move forward??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Will he EVER want to move forward??
8
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:14am
I have a dilemma and I hope that I can get some advice on it....
The story is- I have been dating this guy for about 1 month now...Maybe one month and a week. we are both 23. I am divorced with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. When we first met, he was very skeptical about dating me because of my daughter. He said from the beginning that we should take things slow...He would say things like "I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship....we should just take things slow and see how they develop"...Anyway, so we have been dating "slowly....VERY slowly" as in, we maybe talk on the phone once a week, text a couple times a week, and actually see eachother for a date once, MAYBE twice a week maximum. Friday night was actually our last date that we had....and during that date, we actually sat down and talked and HE actually initiated a conversation about our "relationship."
He started off by asking, "What do you tell your family and friends about what "we" are? What do you consider us?" and I replied back "Dating...what else would I tell them?" And then he replied "My friends and I were actually talking about this at work today...about the difference between "dating" and "seeing someone" and we all think that "seeing someone" is more exclusive...And then I asked what he considered to be "exclusive"...and he said "where two people are just dating one another, no one else"...and then I said "Well, I would consider US to be exclusive then, because I'm not dating anyone else"...and then he goes on to say "Well, you know you still have that option...you can date others" And I ask "so you are telling me its okay if I date others? you won't be jealous or care or anything?" and he said "no, I won't be...we've only been on like 6 dates...I am telling you its okay for you to see other people, and I consider it okay for ME to see other people too, but I doubt that will happen, because I have a hard time meeting girls, I'm actually lucky I even met you"...
So then he goes on to talk about how people at his work have been telling him that he needs to go on a vacation, so he has been looking at vacation packages...and then he says "but I wouldn't have anyone to go with, thats the problem" so I suggest that he go with his friends or family....He says he wouldnt want to go with any of them...the only person he would consider going with would be his brother, but that wouldn't work because his brother is in a serious relationship, he says. He says he really wants to go on vacation, but has no one to go with, basically. At this point, I don't know what he wants me to say! So finally I say, "Well, if we knew eachother better, maybe in a few months or something, I could go with you" and he says "Possibly, in the future"...and then he says "but I do think that we need to take our relationship really slowly" I tell him that I agree, and he says "You do? Why?" and I tell him because I got divorced about 6 months ago and I don't want to RUSH into anything right away, plus I think its smarter to go slow...(although it is hard!) and then I ask him why he wants to go slow and he says "Because I don't want to get married (right now) and I am not ready for the responsibilities that comes with a kid...that I consider myself a kid still too in a way, and when relationships progress, naturally people start spending the night together, and I wonder what will happen when we get really serious, to that point (of me spending the night) will my kid spend the night with us?" Basically- he is just really worried about having to take responsibility for my child. I tell him that my daughter is the most important person in my life, and will always be...so he has to accept that. He understands, he says. He knows that my child spends about half the time with her dad and I have plenty of freetime...I just don't know why he is so worried about this whole thing! He then says that he is happy with the arrangement that we have currently- seeing eachother about once a week. I ask him "you are?" in a put off voice (because I want to see eachother a bit more!) and he says "why, you arent? Do you want to see eacother maybe 2-3 nights a week instead?" and I say "whatever, anything is fine with me" (because I dont want to come off as too needy) And then pretty much our conversation is over because our movie is getting ready to start.
After that conversation, I admit that I was a little put off and worried about "where the relationship was going" and anxious/worried. I really do like this guy and want things to progress! He seems like he is a great guy this far-- He even tells me that I am the "perfect girl, besides having a kid"...I am just trying to give him time to possibly/hopefully adjust to my having a child. He hasn't met her yet...don't want to make that move prematurely either! Of course, my daughter comes first, and I wouldn't want anyone in her/my life that couldnt ultimately accept her! I just hope that HE can get to that point.
Anyway, after our movie was over, we went back to his house and watched TV, then were intimate with eachother (our second time).
When I was getting ready to leave (he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I declined) he asked me what I was "doing tomorrow" and I told him "No plans yet, but cleaning" and he said he wasn't doing anything, but he'd find something to do. I told him that if he got bored, to call me and we could hang out" he told me he'd call me before I had to go to work at 4. Well, he never called so I text messaged him, and he said he didn't wake up until 12:30. So we text back and forth a few times (mostly talking about my work and the weather) and then we stop. As far as I know, he went out last night with his friends (bars or something)...And I haven't heard from him since (it's now 10:30 PM on sunday night). He didn't contact me at all today, or last night either. But it's not really abnormal to not hear from him for a few days...especially since he wants our relationship to go so slow.
I just need some advice basically! I REALLY like this guy and want things to progress and work out-- but definitely don't want to scare him off! I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me. How long should I wait? I know that I don't want the relationship to go this slow for much longer, but then again I know we have only been dating for ONE month. Do you think his feelings could change on my having a child? Can he come to accept and embrace that? What do you think on him saying its okay for me to see other people? That worries me...Its kind of like he doesn't care! What do you all think??
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! THANKS SO MUCH in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 6:26am

My advice - do not put too much into this one. Date other people. Maybe this one will come around and maybe you will meet someone better who is into you and your kid.

I know you like him a lot - but that doesn't matter if he doesn't feel the same way. I think that maybe if you are less available and less over the moon for him he might want to pursue you more. I just think he is too on the fence about you having a kid and he is too young to really give you more. The good thing is that he is honest about his feelings. You have to listen to them and take them seriously and not try to change it.

The only thing I can think of for you to try now is to explain the role he would have with your child. Make sure he is clear that you do not need a dad for her - only someone who will accept her as part of your life when she is with you. That he pays attention and is a good role model - kind of like a favorite uncle.

Unfortunately, people view things in different ways. Some might love and welcome children in their lives. But some view them as a burden. Indeed they are both. But you need a guy who looks at you the right way. Not one to try to change.

I was viewing some match profiles and saw a guy with a great teenage girl. I thought - wow - I bet she would be fun to talk to and I think that is a bonus that he has her for so many reasons. I love all teenagers and young people. So you need someone who thinks that about you.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:49pm
I agree with what Judy says. Adding to that I really think you should put him on the back burner and seek someone that may be a few years older and doesn't have that issue or that also has children and understands. I've had both. I had my daugher when I was 22 and met some wonderful guys that were accepting of my daughter, but a few years older (26-32). A lot of men don't want a woman who has children, but I would not touch someone that thought I was perfect, except for my kid. That is an awful thing to say, but it is how he feels. I agree with Judy that he's at least honest, but I would put my child first. I would never want her to feel like a hinderance or a burden in anyone's eyes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 3:41pm
Agree with the previous posts, a guy who has any kind of long term potential will see your child as an asset not a liability. It is difficult enough to juggle having a child and having a personal life, you don't need the extra worry that this guy will never want to be in your life completely. There are men out there who will be OK with the fact you have a child, will see it as a sign of being a mature responsible woman. This guy has basically told you you are fine to date til someone like you who doesn't have a kid comes along. This one seems like a "next" situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 11:14pm

Queenbun said it best: that you are only good enough until a girl LIKE YOU WITHOUT A KID comes along.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 3:27pm

Thanks everyone for all your replies! I really appreciate all the feedback I received...and it was definitely what I needed to hear...positive or negative! I am taking all advice into serious account when interacting with this man in the future. For example, I have decided to let HIM persue ME and not pressure him anymore! Have a life of my own and try to just "go with the flow" with this "relationship", let things progress naturally, if they may...but also be cautious and give it a time limit...3 months maximum for him to commit, or else I am done!
Anyway, I wanted to give an UPDATE on the whole situation! I wanted some opinions on what people think is going on with him NOW....what is he thinking? Any thoughts? It seems he has changed his tune...or something...
Anyway, what happened was yesterday he text messaged me in the middle of the day (which he hasn't really ever done before on a week day), asking me how my weekend was, and telling me that I missed him acting funny drunk on saturday night. I told him that I had a BLAST this weekend, and that my friends and I went out clubbing on saturday night.
He replied back saying that he hoped I was safe, and then went on to ask if I met any "hot guys" that night. I replied back, "No, not really" (to keep him wondering ;)) and he replied back "Not really huh...now I'm going to be thinking about that all day" and I replied back "whys that?" and he wrote "are you going to keep my worrying or set my mind at ease?" and I wrote back "I thought you didn't care?" (if i met other guys/dated others) and he wrote back "well what i should have said is 'if you want to meet other guys who am i to say no' but i can see that you are going to keep me worried" and i wrote back "no worries, i didnt meet anyone special" and he wrote back "so does that mean i'm special?" and i wrote back "maybe ;)"and he wrote back "i'm looking for a compliment and i'm not getting it..." and i wrote back "i'm just messing with you, you know!"
and then he wrote "i was talking a lot about you on saturday night with my friends...they want to meet you...i was kinda wishing you were there that night too" and then i wrote back "aww, i will have to meet them sometime...what were you saying about me to them?" and then he replied that he'd call me later that night (last night) and tell me.

So he did end up calling me! I was really busy when he called, so I called him back about 45 minutes later, and he said that he was going to invite me over earlier, but that it was too late now...i agreed. Anyway, he told me that he was talking a lot about how I have a child with his friends. He said that he asked their opinions on the subject, and that they (most of them) thought that it shouldn't matter if i have a child or not if he really liked me. He said that more people that he has asked than not have had this opinion. I told him that it was what HE felt/thought/was comfortable with that mattered in the end, though. Not others opinions. But I told him that I understood his hestitation and that I definitely wanted to take this relationship "slow" too... he said that the MAIN reason (he didn't tell me this last friday night!) he wanted to take things so slow was that he was "worried that things would fizzle out and that we would get tired of one another if we saw eachother a lot and jumped into a relationship quickly." He said that he has never taken a relationship this slow before, but he thought that going this slow would "keep out interests in eachother longer" -- whatever THAT means....??

Then at the end of the conversation (we talked for about 15-20 mins, and then I said I had to go eat) he asked again about the arrangement we had for "seeing eachother" (which it has been about once a week that we have been seeing eachother--every friday night) and he asked if once a week was okay with me still, or if i wanted to see him more...I asked him if once a week was okay with him and he said "yeah" in a small voice...?? confused about this... and I said "honestly, once or TWICE a week is fine with me" and he asked "well, which would you rather have?" and i said "twice would be better for me, honestly...because I do want to move slow, but that is REALLY slow for me" (I was being honest here, yet trying not to sound too needy)and he said "well then, we will see how it goes" and then he said "so you like me enough to see me TWICE a week now?" and i said "yes, now don't you feel special?" lol..we were really just being playful here. So he said he would call me on wed. night (tomorrow night) and we would plan to get together, as i have school on tues nights (tonight) and work on thurs. nights.

Basically, that was our conversation in a nutshell. We also talked about my job, etc. and he was being really supportive. He is a really good listener and conversationalist and that's one of the things I like most about him.

My question is-- what caused him to change so suddenly? I mean, not to say that hes CHANGED his mind about my having a kid thing...but it sounds like he is more open to a relationship with me? I mean, he did sound somewhat jealous when he asked about me meeting guys on saturday night, wondering if he was going to have "competition" or not, and he was telling me about how generally people think that my having a kid shouldnt matter that much...etc. AND he actually called me to "just talk" for once....he really has never done that before, as he has said before that he doesn't like talking on the phone, and has just called in the past to basically plan dates.

ANY THOUGHTS AT ALL???? THANKS SO MUCH IN ADVANCE!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 3:45pm

To put it plain and simple: Because you made yourself rare.

Believe me, it works wonders, but you have to keep it that way. Otherwise, the same thing will happen all over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 11:30pm

Why the turn around? Because you weren't sitting at home waiting for him to call!!!


Next time you go out and he starts the "did you meet anyone special" routine, then just be more vague to him- keep him guessing if you're actually meeting new guys with the potential for dating or not...


Since you two aren't exclusively dating, then you need to be pursuing other avenues and giving off that "I'm available" vibe so that you DO go out with other guys.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 12:19am

Here's my take on the new change in him...

I think he really is interested in you. It's just that itty bitty fact that you have a child that is throwing him and he's not sure about that part. But he might be more open to that part now too- because he talked to his friends about it, and none of them balked at the realization that you are a single mom (single moms are just SOOO common now). And because all his friends are okay with it, he is now trying to be okay with it as well.

That's the one thing that would make me want to move slowly with this guy. You don't want to get too involved with him unless/until he knows better whether HE is truly okay with the fact that you are a package deal with a child or not. It's not enough that everyone he knows is okay with it. HE has to be okay with it. And I know you know that- because you told him that yourself... but just don't make any serious steps until you have a good feeling of how he really feels about that.

He says he wants to take things slow... I'd agree with him and take things slow.

~shrimpy

~shrimpy

"A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse." ~Stephen Dolley Jr.

~<