Will her dad ever be in her life?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Will her dad ever be in her life?
6
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 9:52pm
Ok so I gave him also 4 years of my life. I met him just before his son was born. His son's mom and I in the beginning did not get along at all in fact when his son would come to our house she did not want me there and it was actually my house. Well after being with him for 8 months we ended up pregnant and now our daughter is 2.5 years old. August of 05 he and I and our daughter moved to texas leaving his son behind with all intention of getting him over the summer. Well he broke up with me on 4/4 the same day he started talking to his new g/f whom is pregnant from the first time he had met her when he took our daughter to meet her. In the past year while we were in texas he did not take the time to call and talk to his son I was the person they would both talk to about his son. She would call and talk to me and he would tell me what to tell her. Yes I know I said in the beginning she and I did not get along but it a small gesture on my part for that to be turned around. I love his son deeply just like he was my own. He has always said I was his son's stepmom, well once he broke up with me he said I am not a part of his son's life. Needless to say his son's mom says differently she says I am more a part of his son's life than he is. Well since he has broken up with me he has moved in with his g/f in another state and I have moved back home to be near family and friends especially his son so that way both his son and daughter can grow up as half brother and half sister. Well my question is will he be a part of either of his children's lives or no. Deep in my heart it tells me no because his father was not a part of his life and to me that is what he is exactly doing. He paid child support to his son's mom and he has told me that he does not want to pay child support to me. Interesting how things work out because now his son's mom and I are friends, she has wanted my daughter so I can go looking for a job and we have hung out together.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:14pm

hi there. Do you have a court order for child support? Whether he "wants" to pay support or not isn't really the issue. I don't always want to pay my bills- shopping would be a lot more fun, but guess what, I'm an adult now, and if I don't pay them, I pay the consequences. Same thing for child support. You don't get to choose whether or not to pay it. You play, you pay.

If you don't already have an order, get one, before his third child is born and he abandons that one. At least in my state, the court orders a percentage to each child based on when the order is filed, not how old each child is. The first child whose mother files gets 17%, the second 8%, and I think the third 5%, and so on and so forth not to exceed 40%, or something. In any case, your child deserves support, which is an entirely different issue from visitation.

Right now the best thing you can do is raise your daughter. It's great that she and her half brother can play and know each other, even if they don't or won't ever know their father. The person who's really missing out is him, and the sad thing is, he may never know it.

My daughter's father is not in her life at all, and hasn't been basically since she was born. It will be hard, especially when she realizes all of the other children have fathers, even if they don't live together. Do your best, love her, and whatever you do, don't lie. I tell mine that yes, she does have a father, he just lives far away, and she doesn't see him. For now that's enough for her. The only good thing is that she doesn't have any memories and so doesn't really miss the actual person, just the thought of a father. Find a good male role model in the meantime to spend time with your daughter, and her brother too, if you can.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

Moody


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:27pm

Yes I am in search of that to have a good male figure in her life. I know my family that I am living with has been a great help. I know she will grow to be a beautiful and smart young woman. She is a very smart little girl yes she is behind in talking and I think that is a part of her dad because he watched her during the day while I was at work and he wouldnt really do things with her like read a book or let her talk when he would be home and on the phone he would tell her to be quiet. It is like she had no voice. As soon as all the stuff that I applied for goes through I want to get her to a speach therapist. I have filed for child support and he did sign her birth certificate so my case worker said they should not have a problem getting child support from him. His son's mom said last year when we moved she did not get child support for like 5-6 months after we moved it took that long for it to kick in so I am guessing I will not see anything until maybe her birthday in february or my birthday in may. Thanks for your reply.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 9:57am

Hi Mary,

Welcome to the board.

There's not much you can do if he doesn't want to see his kids, your daughter or his son. You certainly don't want to force visitation on someone who doesn't want to be there, but DO encourage him to spend time with her- even if you don't want her to see him. You don't EVER want HER to be mad at YOU for keeping her father away.

As for the money, you are right to file for support and let the courts deal with it. If it takes 6 months or 6 years, it's better to file for it than not.

Also, I think it's GREAT that you are having a relationship with his ex and her son, that is a great bond to have, both for the adults and the kids.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 12:48pm

Mom_ Mary,

I have a daughter that is in the same situation as you. She has a beatuiful 16 month old daughter but the father is such a loser that she will not have anything to do with him but will not keep him away from her father. But he has a son by another girl and she and this other girl talk all the time so that her and my granddaughter can grow up together.

lisa j romesburg

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Thu, 10-05-2006 - 5:32pm

Welcome to our board, Mary. I agree with what Alison and the others say about what you should do - they give great advice!!

We are always here - so feel free to come back and give us updates and to participate in our threads.

Sorry you have to go through all of this - but maybe in time he will come around and be a better dad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 10-06-2006 - 12:41pm

He doesn't sound like he will be consistent in his attention to any of his children. He sounds like a rolling stone.

The best thing you can do is to manage your daughter's expectations about her father. He's not always going to be there for her, like you will.

Let your daughter know that your family is good the way it is. From an early age, I let my son know that our family is "small, but good".