words to children

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
words to children
5
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 3:39pm

So I was in church with my daughters and one of them pointed out these little toys that the girl behind us with playing with. My daughter then proceeded to tell me- as she ALWAYS does when she sees anyone else with something she doesn't have- that she wants to buy some of those little toys of her OWN (polished off with the frown and depressed mood). I have been struggling with my girls' greediness for some time now. They are sweet in so many ways but they are so attached to their toys and they're always asking for more toys and complaining, when they do get something, that it isn't just what they wanted. I think my ex has given them more gifts since he took off so maybe that has played a part. Maybe they are attached to things because they fear losing them- like they lost having a live in father. Yesterday we were at a party and someone gave my girls bubbles and their complaints about not getting the right colored bottles were embarrassing. I talked to Brian about it this morning.

But here is the second part of the story because I didn't really intend to write about the greediness issue. It is really a problem though so I just went with it. At any rate, the purpose of my thread was to tell you all about my moment of enlightenment when I leaned over and told my daughter that she needed to have more gratitude. Then I asked her if she knew what gratitude meant ( a rhetorical question, of course) and told her that it meant being happy with what you DO have instead of dwelling on what you don't have. As I was saying it I thought, "that's really all there is to it isn't it?" The same advice applies just as well to me. I'm so sad half the time because I dwell on what is missing in my family. I dwell on the shatteredness. Anytime I think of that I'm going to feel sad. There is no way that now, or in the near future, I can think about losing my husband and not feel devastated. The divorce, from any angle, kills me. I going to have to just stop thinking about it and think more about what I do have. It's really just another way of phrasing the same advice that goes on here all the time but sometimes you have one of those moments where you "get it." This was one of those times. So I'm going to go with that thread.

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 5:06pm

Amy,

(((HUGS)))

I know it's frustrating still for you, but you will feel better in time.

As for the girls, keep repeating the lessons you have been and stay strong in your resolve. Have a talk with your ex, and then with your girls about toys and when they will receive them. If you and your ex follow the same practise, you will get the message through.

Best of luck,
Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Sun, 05-29-2005 - 9:59pm

Isn't it funny how we can learn such lessons from our children!!

That gratitude lesson is for all of us!!

Thanks for sharing. I know you are hurting now, but you will heal in time. Just have faith!! And keep posting with us :-)

HUGS!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 9:46am

Thanks for your responses ladies. I appreciate you supporting me through this time. I know that, as I work things out, I tend to say the same things over and over and I feel lucky that you are still willing to listen to me!

Amy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 05-31-2005 - 12:15pm

I was thinking of you this weekend when I was shopping. I was remembering your lesson to be happy with what I have instead of going overboard with buying too many clothes!!

I think we are all kids at heart!!

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 06-01-2005 - 11:12am

I know when I am sad, I suddenly feel like I HAVE to buy something to fill that emptyness or sadness. I was once REALLY bad at it. To make it worse, I used to bring it back the next day, because I knew I couldn't afford it. LOL. Wierd stuff like dishes, or other house articles.
Anyhow, I have learned not to do that, but sometimes I have this URGE just to fill the void.

With that being said, I was just thinking today, when Scott asked me how I felt after my divorce. He went to therapy for it and said he learned from it and we discussed how he felt then and how he feels now. We discussed the process of healing. We both came to the same conclusion of how we felt at first.

First, it was: Shame and guilt. Because I felt that I couldn'T keep our family together.

Then I felt sadness and lonliness. And tried to fill that void by going overboard on the dating and/or sexual activity phase.

Then I was angry at my X for having put us through so much pain. This eventually made me wake up out of my self pity and go out and make new friends, do new activities, stay of the dating path and enjoy my company with others around us and put the date thing to a halt.

That led to self fulfillment, which has now made me a happier person and I believe that it is why I have met someone that is good for me. I went through the whole process, healed and then finally I was taking care of myself that led to being healthy and ready for a relationship.

The process for me took almost 5yrs- A year for every year that I was together with my X husband. Truly amazing how much my failed marriage effected my life.

Amy, your sadness too will pass. It is a hard process and I can't tell you how long it will take. Some people have a better bounce back type of mentality, but others, like me take forever to get over it. You will bounce back, but give yourself time and let yourself get through the phases. Vent, cry, moan, groan as much as you want on this board. It has been my saviour to help me through some of the worst times of my life. I owe alot to the women that have supported me on this board the last 3yrs.