Working things out

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Working things out
13
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 7:34am

I vented earlier about EG and the New Years plans (or lack thereof). So it's got me thinking about our relationship and if things are really the way they are supposed to be. It seems to me that when I have my kids I'm automatically out of the picture. I'm trying to think about this from his point where he had an opportunity to have his kids and visit family and took it. I do GET that.

It just seems like any time we have is always cut up. The last weekend we had he worked 12 hour days the whole weekend. This weekend coming up he's doing a night shift in the middle of the weekend. I haven't looked at the schedule for the rest of January yet. I always work around that to make sure we still have some time together. I don't see him doing that on my kid times.

I'm just feeling sad that once again I get punished for having kid nights by ending up alone.

Are the holidays a guage of how your relationship truly is? I felt this pang out on New Years when I saw all these couples together and I was alone. I'm not sure how to deal with what I'm feeling and how to communicate it without seeming selfish.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 11:02am
Sorry you are feeling this way Isys. Can you remind me the ages of your kids, both of you? I think you just havent found a way yet to blend everyone from what you write. And I think that must be challenging with teenagers. I know that I am lucky in that I have just the one ten year old and SYB has no kids so somehow we end up feeling pretty romantic even when we are just three of us. It feels like family now. We have been living together over a year though now and I think that helps the blending thing happen faster. How does it go when you guys all get together kids too? Or is time too tight to make room for that? I think I remember a post where you had some troubles with his kids feeling resentful for some reason.
Also, I think that if you are confident in his love and commitment to you, you should feel totally free to tell him that you felt alone last night when you saw other couples and it made you realize how much you want to plan better for next year. I say stuff like that from time to time to SYB - Sometimes I get a "awwww dont make me feel bad" male reaction but it is always followed by him being glad I told him. The way I figure it, if I dont tell him it just keeps happening over and over and then I build the resentment. He has learned I am not trying to pick a fight but that I am just communicating how I feel. Also, we spend so much time together that he has learned to watch me and he knows pretty darn quick when I am stewing over anything so it comes out pretty quickly. I dont keep things in long. I should say though that I did a lot of personal work in therapy about how to ask for what I need and how to be comfortable bringing up truths with people even when it makes me feel vulnerable. I have never been that needy chick you know? I have been on my own since I was 15 and it was hard to wrap my head around how beneficial it was to just ask for what I needed even if they might not be able to give it to me. Once I got used to it though, it really transformed what I got back in my relationships both romantic and otherwise.
BIG HUGS over there - I really feel like you guys just need a heart to heart!
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 4:07pm

I don't think I'm a needy chick. I just see it as kind of a blow that after almost 3 years together I'm not even a consideration on the holiday and he expected me to be "there" if his family plans didn't happen.

And some of this is my own fault too. There's plenty of things I've wanted to do but didn't because our time is so limited. I didn't do the business trip last year because it would take too much time away from him and my kids. Would he have done the same thing? Doubt it. I'm giving way more than I'm getting and I'm not doing it any more.

So for my birthday weekend in January I'm thinking of taking that kid free stretch to go and visit my sister in Florida. I can get cheap flights and rental car and can stay with her. The mission to Haiti through my church is in April and I am seriously thinking of going. I'm done sacrificing for NOTHING in return.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 4:25pm
Well just for the record - I didnt mean you were a needy chick. YOu come off as exactly the opposite! What I do mean is that when women are as independent as you, they tend to not ask for what they need or make expectations clear. I was that way and still am when I dont catch it. I think you are right to do things for you and not to wait for him or anyone else. You deserve this and we all do! The fact that you have sacrificed in order to protect your relationships isnt bad either though - it is part of what makes you the woman he loves I bet. I guess I just think you cant expect ever to get back exactly what you give. What you can expect is for you to be who you are and for him to be who he is with slight variations based on compromise. And that is where I think you guys need to talk - maybe more than you need to go and do your own thing and lower expectations. None of this is your fault either. As women we give give give and forget to take the time to ask for. I really think this is true for all of us!!
MORE HUGS....
Lilypie - Personal picture
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 4:56pm
I don't want to give up on the relationship, but I don't want to stay in this one if I am not going to get my needs met. It's time for some soul searching and figuring out what's best for me. It's not that difficult when it's right! We'll see what happens after I take some time to think about what I want.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 5:31pm

Hey Isys,


I have been wanting to reply since this morning but there is so much running around here! Anyway, I think that after three years, you guys should at least begin to incorporate families. I understand exactly how you feel, its not about feeling needy, its about spending the holidays and special time with the ones you love. Have you told him how you felt? Blending families is not easy AT ALL, my ex-fiance has teen children and it would be hard sometimes because you don't know how to approach things.


To be honest, its up to you to decide if you want to deal with this or not. I am fine being on my own, but when I am in a relationship, I expect certain things, and making time for each other is one of them, especially since you both have children and busy schedules. Is you haven't already,like I said, tell him how you feel. His reaction will be all you need to gauge how important your feelings are to him.


I'm not sure what the background story is with you guys as I am fairly new,but I really hope you guys can sort this out considering all of the time and effort you already put in. Good luck and keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 6:49pm
Thanks for your input!!!!! So what happened with your ex-fiance? There's a lot of little things that are bothering me. I guess I have this idea about how I picture things to be. Do I give up the idea of how I want my relationship to be? If it can't be this way do I find someone that I can have it with or do I "settle" for a relationship that's part time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2006
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 7:09pm

You're welcome, for some reason its easier to offer advice toothers than to myself,lol. Can I just get some more background info on you guys so I can give more accurate advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Thu, 01-01-2009 - 9:00pm
I am not sure what needs arent beeing met??? Sound like your partner is workin his butt off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 5:48am

No the holidays are an exception to how things work. Everyone is pressured to be with their family then. I would wait until well after the holidays to see how things are going. Dont feel like youre selfish for wanting time with him. Thats what a relationship is all about. I would worry more if you didnt want time with him.

Laurie

anonymous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2008
Fri, 01-02-2009 - 5:54am

Are you the type that gives more than receives? I am. Some people tend to get used to this and take advantage of people like us. I ended a relationship because of that once. But never really changed my ways.

I agree that after three years together you should be part of his family plans especially during the holidays.

One of the reasons I ended it with RG was because he refused to do anything with me and my kids. I never understood that.

Laurie

anonymous

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