Would it be wrong....?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Would it be wrong....?
10
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 8:28am

....to allow Shane to come over for sex and spend the night occasionally? He has placed a deposit on an efficiency apt. I don't know when he's going. He says he hasn't decided. I am okay with him going if he feels like he needs it, I might need him to go for a while too. But I have needs and I know he does too. Wouldn't it be better to be with each other than other people or none at all? I mean I have a BOB, but I'd rather have him. Or am I setting myself up for a worse heartbreak later?

~mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 8:41am

Typically I would advise against it- you have no guarantees that he's not going to be having sex with you AND other people. I also think sex, especially when you're married, can be an extremely emotional thing.

If your emotions are running amok because of the seperation, even if you're planning on it being a temporary one, those feelings will be even more jumbled is you add sex to the mix.

I also think you should take his time away to concentrate on you and what you want. Not pleasing your husband or making your marriage work- but YOU. I understand that you want to make your marriage work, but what else do you want? Do you want to try a new hobby, catch up with friends, go somewhere new?

Use this time wisely to figure yourself out, beyond being Shane's wife. I know you want for all of this to work out, but in order for it to, you have to be a strong person, and that starts with being happy, by yourself, for yourself.

Good luck, and I'm sure everyone else will chime in, too.

Moody, who would rather use the BOB and keep her emotions under control


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 8:52am

I agree with Moody. I think there would be too many emotions involved. Take this time for yourself.

And if you guys are able to work it out, it would make for a great reunion :)

Kristy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 9:56am

It is okay only if you want to prolong your agony with him coming around to want to be a good husband. If he is having sex with you when he wants he won't miss you. You will become a doormat, risk disease and get more confused and upset. It will bring out the worst in you. I see it as short term gain and long term pain.

I would be ADAMANT that once you walk out that door buster your peepee is not getting any action here. And I would suck it up and be with BOB until he comes around or I get divorced and find the right one.

That is me. With age I have learned: NO SLACK, no mercy, no regrets.

EDITED to add: HUGS and big sympathy for you - I was hoping since you were not posting that you were working on stuff. If he put money on an apartment that is not a good sign. Keep us posted and we are always here for whatever you need and for whatever you decide - it is up to you and I just don't want to see you hurt because you have a lot at stake. UGH - men!




Edited 4/20/2007 10:07 am ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:37am
I've just been busy. Went to counseling Wednesday. He will go with me to my next meeting. He's placed a deposit down but claims he has no move in date. Says he hasn't decided. As a former property manager, I don't buy it. If you place a deposit down, you have a date in mind. They need that so they know which unit to rent to you and to reserve one at all. If he's waiting on me to break down, I already have....too many times. I'm worn out. If he's gonna go, then just go. I guess a part of me wants the sex to continue because it is so good, but also so he will only be with me and not others. I guess I am in a fantasy world if I think I can stop him while living elsewhere from being with ho's. But if I ever found out, I'd file for the divorce immediately. Anyway, I guess BOB will have to do.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 11:32am

How did your counseling session go? I am so glad you went.

On a funnier note - our own rlch just posted a thread about BOB - I know you are upset - but the whole thread turned into a riot around here and gave us all new ideas for stuff to try as well as a few laughs:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=9855.1&ctx=128

Honey - it is not YOU it is HIM - hopefully the counseling will bring to light what needs to be done and you will realize if he is capable and what is best for you. Please don't ever think you are a failure because of what someone else does. You are a very strong and bright woman and no matter what happens you are going to land on your feet and be a great mom. No one can take that away from you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 11:43am

Thanks so much. The session went well. I cried a lot, which drained me. We talked about many things. Mostly Shane. But I will get into more next time. And he will be there.

I will read that thread. Contrary to what people believe, I have been feeling better. Laughing as much as I can. I am gong to visit a friend tonight and then tomorrow night my son plays ball, Sunday I have a funeral to attend, and I work next week and then a good friend comes in from Conn. to visit and I'll spend time with her. Shane is on the back burner. And he gets to babysit.

~Mel~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 12:04pm

Oh - this is quite good that he gets to babysit. There you go - that is medicine indeed!!

Have fun and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2001
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:07pm

"I guess a part of me wants the sex to continue because it is so good, but also so he will only be with me and not others. "

Just because he continues to have sex with you, does not mean he's not going to get it from others as well....sorry, but it's the truth. I mean, he may NOT get it from others--but dont assume....

Having sex when youre separated is emotionally damaging. You need to work on you. That wont happen with the emotions flowing with sex. Not to mention, he's kind of getting his cake and eating it too. He doesn't have to have the responsibility of day to day living with you and the kids-and all the stress that comes with that...but he can continue to have sex...what a bonus for him!

Be careful....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-03-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 10:41pm

Everyone has said what I would have said.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-07-2005
Sat, 04-21-2007 - 3:32pm

"I guess a part of me wants the sex to continue because it is so good, but also so he will only be with me and not others."


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