Would you? Have you? Or considered....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Would you? Have you? Or considered....
29
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:22am
an affair with a married man or you being the married woman with another man? It has been a big debate at the moment in our office and a very interesting one.

Could you or would you be able too, or were you ever able to keep it totally separate from your emotional feelings.

I couldn't find an emoticom for this one.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:22pm

Stupid mistake #1-He was VERY charming. And I thought we were just friends.

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:24pm
Of course, you're going to be defensive. And it's fine. You feel like we are going to judge you and some might do so. But I'm just saying that because I've been on the receiving end of the affair, I couldn't because it was devastating. Of course, now I am grateful because he's her problem and not mine, but still...you know now what can happen and you wouldn't do it again. So you realized it was not a smart move and moved on from it.

Good for you!

Hugs!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:30pm
I think you were at a very difficult point in your life, Bec. And it's long in the past, and nothing to feel bad about any longer, at all.

My difficult points in my life didn't come until I was in my mid 20s . . . . had I been forced to deal with difficulties earlier on . . . I don't know that I had the self respect at those times to make good decisions. I know *NOW* - there is no way. 10 years ago - I'm not so sure.

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:35pm
OK here goes - I actually found ivillage in 2000 in search of women who were ending an affair - I used to post on that message board alot (under another user name) I had a revenge affair (my ex husband had a affair which he is still with the woman he had an affair with to this day) - which actually was with a man who was horribly scary narcissitic/commitmentphobic and he put me through more hell than my husband !

I learned alot in therapy about WHY I did what I did. HOW incredibly rejected I felt and how my self exteem was in the toilet and here was a man who played on that vulnerablity and charmed me for his own self satisfaction. IT was awful. I went through not only the rejection of my husband but this other man as well.

As to would I EVER consider it again NO WAY - I know how it feels on ALL SIDES OF AN AFFAIR (used to post on that board too) and in no way does is it morally right and its just down right SELFISH and CRUEL to all parties involved.

I do however think that all are infaluable to it - especially when self esteem/depression issues are involved.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:39pm

Mel is right, everybody makes mistakes in life, all kinds of mistakes, and all we can do from there is learn from it and grow through it, beyond it.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:53pm

Hugs lizbeth. I think you are right. We are ALL vulnerable at different times to different things. This is one of them.


Glad you sought therapy on it. I have yet to do so, and it's been a long time. But the baggage still creeps up from time to time. And I know FOR A FACT that it had more to do with my low self esteem than anything else. I can't FATHOM being in that place now. And even after that, other opportunities for the same mistake presented itself, but it wasn't a draw and I RAN RAN RAN hard.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:29pm

I could not be on either end of an affair.


I couldn't do it to another woman...AND I don't want to be used like that.

Kim

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:35pm
HUGS to you Becky ---

I know all about the pain and effects-- stop on by and lurk at the ending affair board sometime you will see these are women who arent monsters.

Im not here in life to hide and well I am human infaluable to mistakes - and yep made a HUGE one. Its who I am and who you are. We learned from it and have become stronger women from it- as long as we arent repeating the bad behavior I think it something you defintily should not be ashamed of. I refuse to let anything shame me anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:09pm
When ds' dad and I split, I slept with a married man (he was 38, I was 25). At the time I saw this guy every day and he convinced me that him and his wife were separated and that he was living apart from her. (He was a truck driver) I was naive and allowed myself to get sucked into the whole thing- he said everything I needed to hear. We went on two road trips together while my ds was visiting his grandparents (overnight trips). I didn't question anything at the time about not doing anything IN TOWN. I got back from the second trip and a friend of mine asked where I had been, since I had not mentioned leaving town and she had tried to get a hold of me. I told her where and with whom. She said, "stop it now, he's not separated." She was dating the wife's younger brother, so she knew. If I had just asked her to begin with the whole thing would have been avoided. I felt so bad, but what was done was done.

So I ended it, and moved over 16 hours away to be closer to my family. A year after this all happened I got a call- not from the wife, no- his MISTRESS! She was crying on the phone telling me she wanted her life back with this guy. I was shocked, I didn't know what to say to her. She said she wanted me to stop seeing him. I said, "I haven't seen him since I moved away over a year ago." She had heard that he was seeing someone on his long distance trips and thought it was me, since she had found my number in his truck and knew I had moved away. I did talk to the wife later on that year, and I told her the truth. She didn't blame me at all, which I was thankful.

I guess we learn these lessons for a reason, right?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:51pm
No - I would never do this. I would never be able to keep the emotional feelings separate; I don't like having messy situations in my life; and it is not worth the risks/consequences and morning after syndrome!!