Would you? Have you? Or considered....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Would you? Have you? Or considered....
29
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:22am
an affair with a married man or you being the married woman with another man? It has been a big debate at the moment in our office and a very interesting one.

Could you or would you be able too, or were you ever able to keep it totally separate from your emotional feelings.

I couldn't find an emoticom for this one.

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Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:55am

Hey Becky, thought I'd draw some fire... I did this too.




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:50am
Ok, I realized I was wrong. It just hit me this morning that after my separation with my husband I went to Texas to visit my sister. Met a guy going out one night, BUT I had no idea he was married. No ring and he said he was divorced. Then the next morning (yes, a one night stand) his wife calls and he is shushing me up. Boy was I upset! I totally flipped, but I don't consider it being a mistress. I was lied too, that's totally different. At least in my book, so really not worth mentioning and I don't feel guilty about it. If I knew in advance, then YES, I would feel guilty. I thought about my question more and I know I am not going to say: Never. I have said that before and done things I thought I would never do. It can happen, but I know the pain I experienced, so I won't be looking for it. If I get lied to again, well, I can't help that, but otherwise, I will steer clear as far as I can, of all married men. I've worked in my company for almost 6yrs and I have received LOTS and LOTS of offers from married men. Sometimes it is tempting when they come with jewelery, expensive dinners, dozens of roses and try to tempt me, or even a few times flight tickets for a weekend to Sweden, London, Paris or somewhere in Spain. I just don't have the coldness to do it, but I will not say never, because you really don't know sometimes what makes you do the things you do. I just haven't met a man that I suddenly had a serious crush on, that I would.
Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 12:32pm
no...no...and no.

Wayyy too much drama for me.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 3:22pm
Well, I have been on the other side. I was the one who cheated. Sorry for the epic tale that is about to unfold...

It was during the time of the Gulf War that I met him. I was 20 years old. He was a Marine, 10 years older than me but didn’t look it. He was the most handsome man I had ever laid eyes on. He was beautiful. He worked a part-time job at the mall where I worked and every Friday I would give him his paycheck and smile. One day when he came to get his paycheck, I gave it to him and he gave me a rose. He said it was to thank me for all the beautiful smiles. That led to him visiting me and having lunches together. He would come from the Marine Corp Air Base so he would be in his uniform. I remember being caught up in all of the attention he gave me, and the attention he was given by others. We would often get free lunches and people would shake his hand, etc. It was almost like being with a celebrity. I fell in love with him and lied and made up excuses to see him. He didn’t know I lived with my SO. I lied to him too and told him we were roommates. I took a lot of risks that summer. It lasted for 6 months. We never had sex. I couldn’t take it that far. But we did everything leading up to that. At the end of the summer he was being relocated to the East Coast. I remember him asking me what the status of our relationship was. He wanted me to be his girlfriend, to commit to him with plans to get married and I told him I couldn’t commit. I gave him excuses about being too young, wanting to finish college and that I wasn’t ready to leave my family. All of those things were true…but I left out the part about another man…another real relationship. I realized as I was waving goodbye and watching him leave that I was ending it. It broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

And shortly after that, I broke up with my SO. In my own defense, the relationship with my SO at the time was already near-dead. We were more like friends and roommates than lovers and we were just on the brink of making that discovery. But I lived with the shame of knowing I had lied to both of them and hurt them both.

It was a long deep lesson in character building. A year later I apologized to both of them for what I had done…and started clean with the knowledge of knowing that I had that behind me and would not ever do such a thing again. But it is still hard to read comments from others when they say they would never do “such a thing” and pass their own judgment of the moral character of a person who would. It is hard to read things like “once a cheater always a cheater” or to read that I had no self-esteem or no self-respect, etc. It is hard not to get defensive. But in the end I remind myself that I am a good human being and I sometimes make mistakes. And as long as you can learn from your mistakes and be an even better human being…that’s all that matters.

(sigh)



Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:22pm

(((((Gabriella))))))


I totally related to your story. It sounds SO MUCH like mine, w/the exception that I was the free one and he was not. The same crazy lying, and making up stories. Everything but sex. He even told me to say the word, and he would divorce her and marry me and we'd just move away from people who knew us.


I think the realization that he WOULD in fact have done that drew us BOTH up short. It was like a bucket of cold water and OMG! who will our bad choices hurt BESIDES ourselves. How could my son (who was only 18 months at the time) ever understand the choice I had made and respect me? We KNEW that a marriage started that way would NOT LAST for us.


It was the up there with the top 3 hardest things in my life to walk away from him (#1 and #2 being losing William and telling my mom about my pregnancy with Tyler at age 18) and it is primarily why I made the decision to move to Colorado and get away from being able to see him and be haunted.


I have NO idea if his wife ever found out or if he told her.


I have told Jas, because I needed him to know where some of my baggage comes from. I have some trust issues with him from what I know about him, and he obviously has reason to be concerned about me. Though I also hate the once a cheater/always a cheater bit...but I know it's easy to do something again, once you've stepped over the line. Accountability is a good thing. I can't FATHOM allowing myself to go through such a gut wrenching experience again, and I love Jas too much to hurt him that way, but I am no fool. I watch closely to be sure I don't get caught up in anything again.


Amazing what a different person you can be from age 21 to nearly 30, isn't it?

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:26pm
No, I could not have an affair with a married man. And when I was married, I never once considered another man. When I'm with someone, other men just don't exist. When I'm in between relationships, it's raining men.

It's an interesting conversation...in our local radio show the DJ had people calling in about affairs and the lover called to complain about being called a whore and having such a bad reputation. She thought the wife was totally stupid and deserving of what she got because she knew her husband was having an affair and she stayed. The lover was married herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:54pm
Thanks Becky! Yes, it is amazing how much you can grow up in 10 years time. When I look back on that time now, I realize that I had a lot of learning and experiencing to do to get to where I am today. As a young adult, I was easily influenced by other's opinions and wants/needs.

One thing I do want to point out, is that if I had been married, things would have been different. I have always taken the vows of marriage very seriously and to heart. And I can realize now that I didn't marry my SO back then because I wasn't sure I could live up to those vows with him. That is not an excuse for cheating on a committed relationship, I know...but to me, there is a difference when you make those wedding vows vs. not.

When I married my ex-husband, I made those vows and I kept them. Even during the last intolerable years, I never strayed. I could have, if I had followed the "once a cheater, always a cheater" train of thought. But I didn't, because I took those vows to heart. It took me nearly 2 1/2 years before self-preservation for me and my daughter took precendence over my marriage vows.

I think perhaps that is what is keeping me from taking the plunge and making those vows again. Although I love and respect and admire my SO with all of my heart and soul...I want to be 100% sure that the next time I make those vows it will be forever. But even so, at this point in my life, I would never think of cheating on my SO just because we haven't taken our vows yet...I have grown and learned from my experience. And no matter what anyone else says or thinks only I can really know the truth about myself and what is in me to do...and that is really what matters. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 9:07pm
About 2 years after I left my husband, I met a guy who was really sweet and really liked me. I actually knew him when we were younger because our parents were friends. Well, we went out on a couple dates and wound up being intimate one night. I thought he was a great guy and enjoyed the time we spent. Until one day he showed up at my house and I noticed he had a wedding ring on his finger(he must've taken it off every other time because I knew it wasn't there before). He had told me that he was seperated from the mother of his son, but what I didn't know was that not only were they married, even though he said they never were. But they lived together in a house right around the corner from mine. He told me she lived with her mother. I was not only devistated, but disgiusted. I pictured that's how my ex-husband acted. I pictured this poor woman sitting at home wondering where her husband was while he was with me most of the night, like I did so many nights with mine. If I would have known I would have NEVER been with him. I was the victim of a constant cheater, and the thought repulsed me. I told him never to come back or call me. He never did. But I did see him about 2 months ago at a gas station and he asked me for my number...right after he told me that him and his wife just had their second child. I just walked out. What a jerk!!!!
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 9:11pm

Well even though I'm very late in responding, I didn't want to let those who have fessed up go it alone.

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