would like your opinion or advice!
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| Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:38pm |
I am new to this site...I am curious what to do in my current situation. I am 18 weeks preg. and single. The FOB and I met through a mutual friend and we hit it off. We were sexual right away (met labor day weekend - pregnancy test was positive by halloween). We live 1.5 hours from me. he is a great person and such a decent man. We are the same age and we weren't looking for a serious relationship - but fell hard for each other as friends (with benefits). Few weeks of hanging out every once in awhile due to the distance - there is still alot to learn about one another...but I am pregnant! He is extremely supportive and very excited! This is #1 for both of us - and we are both 26 years old. His family is supportive and mine is now :). He and I have had to get to know each other on the "fast track" talking every once in awhile to almost daily.
With my hormones and everything out of whack...I ask him why can't we try to see what happens with us and maybe going in a direction of "being together". He states "let time and nature take its course...but I do have an open mind" That made me feel better because I honestly don't know if I want to jump. Long story short...He is awesome...sweet affectionate, loving, soooo excited for our little boy to get here, funny etc. Over the weeks - I think we have grown and I can tell he is more "loving" in a relationship way with me...and I am moving out near him once I have the baby...
I am struggling with whether or not to let myself go and see. He is not my type and very different then the type of guys that I tend to lean towards...(but then again obviously those types of guys never worked out...) I am not a swallow person at all...but I am a city girl with a family who is all about appearance and being clean cut...He isn't :) he is country with a beard and a boots, torn jeans and t-shirt kinda guy...he came from nothing and I did (don't matter at all to me - just painting a picture here). We have a great time together...I know that we could definently be together...I am afraid to let myself go though!!! He is all about family and since we are having a baby together...what if he goes towards marriage and I don't...I know I can be in love with him if I let all the other BS go...meaning the two diffferent worlds! But then what if I am the one who falls and he doesn't....City meets Country and baby is created - what to do?

Hi there. What a unique situation you are in. Please don't try to force a relationship for the baby's sake. You can both be loving, warm, wonderful parents who just happen to not be together.
That being said, if you feel like there could be a relationship, I think you owe it to YOURSELF to try to find out. Obviously he has to be on the same page, but if it's meant to be, together you'll be able to overcome obstacles like city mouse versus country mouse.
Then again, right now your hormones are totally out of whack, and I'm not sure I would want to be making major decisions like this. I hope you aren't moving for him, but for yourself. If you are the only one to sacrifice, you'll resent him, and that isn't fair to either of you.
One of my friends recently went through something similar, and she and the father of her baby ended up moving in together while she was pregnant. They are still living together, and it isn't always sunshine and roses, but theirs is a relaitonship based more on what they have in common than what they feel for each other. I'm not sure everyone can live like this. I know I wouldn't be able to. She seems happy, but a part of me wonders if she settled, and wouldn't be happier without the father involved in her life in a romantic way.
I hope I've helped, please stick around and keep us posted!
Moody, glad she's not making these decisions!
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WHOA Nelly!
Welcome to our board!!
All I can say is that only time will tell. For right now you have a looming deadline of BABY - take care of you and baby first and foremost. I know you didn't quite expect that - but i do think motherhood is awesome and you won't be disappointed.
Anyway, after the baby is when you can take your time to get to know this guy and see if he is going to make a good husband and if you are going to make a good husband and wife team.
You do have some major differences that concern me. And I can't see fixing one mistake with another at this point unless you are destitute and have no other choice - which is clearly not your case.
If I was you I would just chill for now - you do have a great network of family and friends around you. And the guy can continue to date you and help you and be the father of course.
But the husband decision is much further down the line. Let time tell you.
I agree--weird hormones make pregnancy a crummy time to make big decisions. Another good reason to take your time is that you'll learn a lot about him by watching the way he interacts with the baby, and he'll learn about you, too. Moving closer seems like a good idea for you, so you can have some practical support from his family. The big decisions can wait.
I have a good friend who was in a situation just a little bit like yours about ten years ago. He was dating (and I think living with) a woman and they decided that things just weren't working. The month she was going to move out they found out that she was pregnant. They discussed marriage but decided that they'd stick with the decision they'd already made, to end their romantic relationship, but that they'd still both be involved with their son.
And know what? That's worked beautifully. I honestly don't know who officially has custody of the child, since he spends about as much time with one parent as the other. They work so well together that when the dad's out of town, the mom feeds the dog. When the dad locks his keys in the car, the mom drives two hours to bring them to him. The two parents work well as a team, they both love their son dearly, and things are working out just fine.
So I guess my point is that families with a married mom and dad work, but families in which they aren't married but work together are sometimes fine too. It'll be okay, whatever you decide.
Hi there,
Although I think coming from different backgrounds does, inevitably, make things harder whether we like it or not, I also believe that when you really love someone, you can bear anything.
You still have a lot to learn about each other, and only time will show you whether you want to be involved romantically with your baby's father. After your little boy is born, his dad will be a bigger part of your lives and you will be glad of the support. You will probably be able to tell within six months or so whether you really feel like you two would be good together as a couple. If so, then great, and if not, your son will be young enough to accept the situation as he grows up, as he will not remember anything different.
I think it is good that you are moving closer so you can get the support that every new mummy appreciates. Even if things don't work out romantically for you, Baby's dad sounds like he will make a great father, and that is so important. My Ex-H is a really good father to our kids, even though things did not work out romantically for us.
I won't tell you it's easy being a single mum, because it isn't, but you will reap so many rewards from your child that it is well worth the hard work. Of course, you may end up not being a single mum at all, but it really isn't the end of the world if it does happen. There are many, many of us, and I think most people would agree that it is better to be single than to be in a relationship with a man that you don't really feel it for, or to stay together just to give a united front for the children. Kids aren't stupid, and they know deep down if their parents are not happy together. Better to be a single mum who's happy than part of a couple that is miserable together.
That said, it would be great if it worked out for you both. It's definitely worth giving it all you've got. That way, you will have done everything you can and had a great shot at it.
Good luck! When do you move?
Clem xx
Clem -
Thank you for your response! Everyone so far has been wonderful giving their opinions and advice on my situation! He wants me there very soon...I am 18 weeks along and my lease is not up until May 31st...(I am due in June :( so I am still trying to figure out when the latest I should move...I have a 3 year old co-depedent dog and with moving to a new area I want her to get acclaimated and myself too before the baby comes)...So the moving date is still up is the air!
What about moving closer to your family? Would they want to help out?
With your relationship being so new, I'd be leary of relying on his family for support. I'm sure they will love the baby, but they might not be so nice to you. If you move closer to them, you're really kind of stuck with them.
Congratulations on the pregnancy! Motherhood is an awesome experience.