Wow, I really hurt him?
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| Mon, 09-29-2008 - 5:42pm |
I had a moment of weakness last night and sent Medic an email apologizing for lashing out at him, told him I just had things going on that had nothing to do with him and it was unfair. I told him that I have no intentions on calling.. until March. I said come March 1st when school is over I'll be taking you out to celebrate all your hard work.. I hope you answer the phone.
Well, I just got an unexpected call and I'm sad by it all. He wanted to know what the outside issues were, and I should have never been so truthful, I really just hurt the guy. But.. I told him the truth about heartbreaker coming back and how it just left me all very angry. He asked if I slept with him and I said "No.... Yes". Ugg... I should have just lied. Honesty is not the best policy, and honesty does NOT make you a good person.
In Medic's eyes its still wrong, even though we weren't exclusive. In his eyes it disregards any feelings that I have had or still do have for him. From his view if there were ever true feelings there then I never would have been able to do that the day AFTER we stopped being exclusive and went into casual mode. And, the fact that I was drunk made him even more disapointed because now he says I"m a vulnerable drunk. I still stand firm that we weren't exclusive, and he agrees.. but to do it so soon after just made him feel like I never cared for him at all.
A lot more to the conversation.. but I really hurt the guy. Not just by being honest about heartbreaker, but things that I said to him. I told him that night I got angry that he just joined the dime a dozen men's club... wanting sex with no strings. I unfairly attacked him, and he told me that really crushed him. Out of everything done me saying that just crushed him because he really did and still does have feelings. He said to me that he didn't think there was a decent selfless woman left on the earth for him. I got very upset, told him don't you dare lump me in with a bunch of random people.. I would have done anything for you. Funny, didn't I lump him into the dime a dozen men's club? Sigh.
He told me he did not call for us to get back together.. but he was sorry that he called because he's even more hurt now. I said well thats all we've done from the get go is hurt eachother. The call ended with me telling him that I will be calling him March 1st. He said he won't hold his breath, and I'll probably be with someone by then. I just again said... I'll talk to you then, and never doubt my feelings for you.
I feel like a horrible person. All I ever did was try give this guy a little bit of happy in his crazy life and in turn I ended up making both of us miserable. I mean, he played a part in it of course.. but i seem to be the one that had to lash out and be hurtful.
His birthday is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I still may do something... not call, I said I wouldn't call. But maybe go put a nice card on his car or something.
Blah.

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Let me offer another perspective.
Umm... ok, I"m kind of speachless here.
We talked again and he wants to just jump back in with both feet and give it another try. He agrees that we have something great, but life and schedules don't really allow us to explore them.
I have got to stop lumping this guy in with my past and making assumptions about him. We talked a bit about where he failed me, and how I failed him.. and we're going to talk more later.
He's unlike anyone I've ever dated and he frustrates the heck out of me sometimes but I like it? I don't know.. but I'm willing to jump in with him and explore.. because there is something there for sure.
Ok well, I guess I'm strapping on my seatbelt and turning on the sirens because the Medic is back again. LOL
Poor Medic *Violins palying* City--- can you play the violin for Medic??
Sorry TJ...I'm just trying to make you laugh :o) But seriously though.... Medic may not have outwardly lashed out and caused you pain but his actions were passive, yet still hurtful. By being unavailable, non committal, and stringing you along. I see this pattern with so many men and the women they "date". They don't want to commit, but the moment you go and get your own life they claim you are hurting them? WTH? Are we as women supposed to sit there and pine away while a non committal man "decides" if and when he will become available? I don't think so!
Medic had his chance and he did not come through...he was mr "not there" way too many times. He made mistakes too and IMO its totally unfair of him to say that you are the bad one here when you were so willing to "go there" with him..you gave him the opportunity but he blew it.
I keep thinking of the Friends episode where Ross and Rachel split up and Ross sleep with another woman and Rachel finds out. He keeps reminding her "We were on a BREAK!"
In any case- I am sorry-- and sending you hugs. It sucks to hurt someone even if they were just as bad to us. I see nothing wrong with sending him a card or email on his bday. Just do it without any expectations..
OH Ok we were posting at the same time so I did not see your update.
City-- stop the violins LOL!
Well now....isn't this interesting??? He agrees that we have something great, but life and schedules don't really allow us to explore them
What do you think that means? When you talk later... I would be very specific about how his being so unavailable was a problem for you. He can make time...he can make you a priority, if he wants you in his life. Its no ones fault or a bad thing that you want to be considered more and on aregular basis... its a basic need to be felt like we are someones priority in a realtionship and not "when I can fit you in". If he just
Yep, we already talked briefly about those types of things and plan on more conversation tonight and maybe more.
1) He cannot stand my smoking and it really bothers him. Well, truth is I quit all the time and start back up when I'm frustrated or lonely. I know.. therapy.. lol.
2) I told him he has got to figure out how to read me better. So many times I needed him to be there for me if even for just five minutes on the phone and he never was. But then he would give me what I needed at some random point to make me feel like I unfairly doubted him. He took that info in well.
So more talks to come.. but we'll see how it goes. I know his time is tight, but he needs to realize that there are ways to make me feel wanted and cared for when time does not allow it.
he needs to realize that there are ways to make me feel wanted and cared for when time does not allow it.
Thats a good point and time and actions will tell if it is in his character to hear what you are saying and make the attemps to give you that. There was a time a while back when BE got stressed out about a lot of stuff and he did not call me at work for a week and even his evening calls were short. I told him that when he stresses I understand and that really all I need is to know he is still thinking of us. So he realized it and would call even for just a few minutes even when he is uber stressed. He knows it means a lot to me.
I hope that Medic can see this and follows through. You deserve that!
If any woman tells me that I just need to know how to read her better then I would think the relationship is doomed .
I agree with Mark on the "read me" part... imho, you shouldn't be expecting him to "read" you better, but personally work on
Hmmm... not sure how I feel about all this Michele.
I think it was good that you talked and got the feelings out, no matter how painful they were for either of you.
But I'm a little leary of him wanting to jump back in so quick! I wouldn't agree to anything until you get all the guidelines down and he proves his sincerity here- not just saying he wants you back and then doesn't change his actions to match.
"2) I told him he has got to figure out how to read me better."
Ok, here I disagree. You need to tell him what you need/ expect/ want- not hope he'll read your mind. For the next little while, get used to adding "I could really use (a hug, an ear, hear your voice) and train him a little: you'll both benefit from it.
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