Wow, I really hurt him?
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| Mon, 09-29-2008 - 5:42pm |
I had a moment of weakness last night and sent Medic an email apologizing for lashing out at him, told him I just had things going on that had nothing to do with him and it was unfair. I told him that I have no intentions on calling.. until March. I said come March 1st when school is over I'll be taking you out to celebrate all your hard work.. I hope you answer the phone.
Well, I just got an unexpected call and I'm sad by it all. He wanted to know what the outside issues were, and I should have never been so truthful, I really just hurt the guy. But.. I told him the truth about heartbreaker coming back and how it just left me all very angry. He asked if I slept with him and I said "No.... Yes". Ugg... I should have just lied. Honesty is not the best policy, and honesty does NOT make you a good person.
In Medic's eyes its still wrong, even though we weren't exclusive. In his eyes it disregards any feelings that I have had or still do have for him. From his view if there were ever true feelings there then I never would have been able to do that the day AFTER we stopped being exclusive and went into casual mode. And, the fact that I was drunk made him even more disapointed because now he says I"m a vulnerable drunk. I still stand firm that we weren't exclusive, and he agrees.. but to do it so soon after just made him feel like I never cared for him at all.
A lot more to the conversation.. but I really hurt the guy. Not just by being honest about heartbreaker, but things that I said to him. I told him that night I got angry that he just joined the dime a dozen men's club... wanting sex with no strings. I unfairly attacked him, and he told me that really crushed him. Out of everything done me saying that just crushed him because he really did and still does have feelings. He said to me that he didn't think there was a decent selfless woman left on the earth for him. I got very upset, told him don't you dare lump me in with a bunch of random people.. I would have done anything for you. Funny, didn't I lump him into the dime a dozen men's club? Sigh.
He told me he did not call for us to get back together.. but he was sorry that he called because he's even more hurt now. I said well thats all we've done from the get go is hurt eachother. The call ended with me telling him that I will be calling him March 1st. He said he won't hold his breath, and I'll probably be with someone by then. I just again said... I'll talk to you then, and never doubt my feelings for you.
I feel like a horrible person. All I ever did was try give this guy a little bit of happy in his crazy life and in turn I ended up making both of us miserable. I mean, he played a part in it of course.. but i seem to be the one that had to lash out and be hurtful.
His birthday is coming up in less than 2 weeks. I still may do something... not call, I said I wouldn't call. But maybe go put a nice card on his car or something.
Blah.

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It may be nice he's now had second thoughts but I think I'd get it out in the open straight away about how much contact you expect.
Good Luck, I know you really like him :o)
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Tracy
Ok, so here are the results from last nights talk..
I have to have sprite, beer, and papertowels in the house at all times, and I must get his name tattooed across my back. LOL. I'm sorry.. but when things got overly serious he said those things for some comic relief and it cracked me up.
We actually sat there and talked really well about things that bothered us about how things were before. It was never an attack, or felt negative. Everything felt very positive last night. Last night was like the Geneva Convention or something lol. One of the best things is that we both promised eachother (from his mouth) that we will find a way to spend time together at least once a week. No excuses we make eachother a priority and do it. Until school is out for him once a week is going to be hard actually, but we already came up with some unconventional dating ideas to make it happen. Next Sunday we're spending the day together and I'm really looking forward to it.
We talked about things that we needed.. for example something he did that always made me question him.. well, come to find out its something that just makes him feel really good, secure, he likes it. Well, I could relate because there were things I needed from him that made me feel the same way. We didn't talk about this.. but I remembered how he would react differently when I came to him with "I'm very sad today" rather than "omg let me tell you about my crazy day". I guess I do need to be a bit more blunt when I need a shoulder from him.
I think last night was a big step.. we understand eachother and our needs a bit better now. Before it felt like the whole dating game dance. The back and forth, the guessing. I didn't realize that it was affecting him the same way it was me. I think I just made a lot of assumptions and making him the bad guy. And this is not oh poor Medic lol.. its just me accepting that I did some things that were wrong also. One big thing I had to tell him was stop doubting me. He doubts what comes out of my mouth all of the time, and it would drive me crazy. I said you know we already established that I'm so open and honest with you to the point of it being a fault, and hurting you. I said can you just wrap your brain around the idea that maybe when I'm being blunt and honest with you in a good way.. that its truth? Basically, a lot of questions and doubts were washed away last night.
Until Feb. when his school is out this will be challenging for sure. I'm not saying everything is fixed and perfect. All I'm saying is that there is something there between the two of us that I'm not yet willing to give up on. If this fails, it fails.. but at least we tried.
" I should have never been so truthful,"
I bet he would eat those words in the future when he wants you to be truthful.
Laurie
You are NOT a horrible person! You are an honest and open person. You opened up to him and he felt hurt. He called you back way too soon. He called during the hurt and should have processed your words a bit before he did. Besides it appears he cares more about his hurt than he does about you being honest and open.
Laurie
Hey Michelle-
I admire that you guys did talk openly and I think that is very good. You both stated your fears and your needs and you have decided to make each other a priority.. these are all good things!!
Work in relationships can pay off. I'm living proof.. BE and I have had "speedbumps" and we have made efforts to iron things out and respect each others feelings. Its not always easy- but the rewards
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