wow! lots of posts below, I need advice.
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| Sat, 01-01-2005 - 9:16am |
I'm so unhappy right now, I spent new years alone, well I did have my kids, that was nice. I'm 33 lonely, seperated for 2yrs. I want to date I posted here before got great advice, I don't care who gives it to me, if you've been their done that then need your input. I'm at the point where I just want sex, safe sex of course, It's been a long time. It's hard for me to qo out and meet someone because I do have my three girls, and when my stbx takes them one nite a week, which is saturday nite's I usually have no one to go out with all my friends have someone and go out, i can go with them but when we go home at the end of the nite they go and we know what their up too, and me I go home alone, lay in my bed and think of what happened in my life, I don't want to go out and just pick anyone up and have "fun", My friend signed me up for online dating, but at the end the wanted money, which I don't have and I don't feel like paying to find someone to date, I'm not ugly not that that matters, I don't know I'm just very very very very frustrated at this point. While I'm home doing my job and loving it, taking care of our girls, and he's out every nite at the bar, relaxing not worring about anything because if he was he would see his girls more and i would have a life. Outside of my girls. Tonight, I'm suppose to go out with a friend and her guy, but I know she'll probably say she's too tired to go anywhere, and me not having a car will spend another nite at home watching nickoleodeon,lol any advice ? I NEED A DATE!!!!!!!!!!SOON!!!!!!!!!!!
LAURA

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If you were just looking for sex, that's easy to find. Married men, young men, and divorced guys would gladly have sex with you. It would be just that though and it's not likely you'd get repeat business with a sex only partner.
Men's emotions are wrapped up in sex too. Believe it or not. Especially, the ones who would agree to a safe sex situation. They might have sex with you, but would tire of that situation and move onto some other woman who had more to offer than just sex.
I suggest you look for a relationship. Online dating has worked for me in the past. If you don't want to use that service, then I suggest you get out of the house and go places where men are....bookstores, hardware stores, coffee shops. Try to stay positive and value yourself. Men are attracted to confident women, not negative and really-just-needing-sex kind of women.
I didn't date when I was separated and I'm wondering why you've been separated for 2 years and aren't divorced?
My personal opinion is that unless you are legally available (divorced) dating isn't a good option. If you do, you would need to be up front with the person, tell them you're not available for anything more than a physical relationship, and then not expect anything more than that.
It sounds like you are still very emotionally distressed about the whole situation and dating isn't really the answer. Finding more friends might be. Are there things you are interested in that would be very inexpensive? A book club? church even?
I agree with everyone here. I know what you mean about being lonely, especially on Saturday nights without the kids. I think that is the hardest thing for any single mom.
But as fivesense said, sex is not the simple answer. You would become very hurt when the man went off on another adventure and you risk disease on these adventures - you have your kids to think about now.
I think you should spend all of your time on getting divorced and then getting your two feet back on the ground as a single mom. As my counselor said, "welcome to life as a single mom - it is not easy and it is not going to be." He gave me a kick in the pants and it helped me with my expectations.
Time heals all - and it will for you - you will find new friends and hopefully gain a support net of family and friends. You will also learn to view the time with your kids during the week as a privelege instead of seeing it as something you have to do that your ex does not. I think you have a long way to go with regards to your expectations and feelings and getting over the bad hubby/marriage.
At any rate, the purpose for healing yourself and creating a new and wonderful life is so you will set high standards for yourself and the next man that comes along.
If you really want sex, buy BOB - he is a battery operated boyfriend. If you are lonely on a Saturday night, you can go to the bookstore, the food court of the mall or the movies. Get out of the house. Get a grip - sitting home and being miserable for the past is no guarantee that you will make your future better.
You have a clean slate now. And you have the privelege of seeing your kids every day and putting them to bed each night. That is not something your ex has.
I hope I have helped. I know you are in pain and I know your pain. But I also know you can make your life a whole lot better now.
I also hope you will stay on this board and post your stories. We love to hear new stories and learn new things and we welcome you with open arms.
HUGS and Happy New Year!!
Laura,
Here is one other string you should read:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7705.1&ctx=128
It is just a bit further down in the coffee house.
Cheers!!
laura
I remember feeling that way exactly!
Kim
laura
It is good for you to vent.
I remember being very mad at my exh in the beginning because of visitation. He travels so we don't have set times and basically he just takes him when it pleases him and this is NEVER to make anything easy on me.
I was so frustrated I didn't know what to do. I could not understand why he wouldn't come and get his ds right after school when he has a home office - he is always late and there is almost no point because he only has him for and hour and then it is bed time.
But my counselor had yet another piece of good advice. And it wasn't what I wanted to hear but it has helped tremendously.
He will be a father in his own way. And this is not necessarily how I would do it. I cannot impose my parenthood values on him (just as he cannot do the same to me). Further, he said I should do everything in my power to make my exh feel a part of my ds's life and to keep him paying child support and keep things smooth.
I guess he realigned my expectations. So, I go about my whole life as though the exh doesn't exist. I don't ask for help and I don't expect him to do anything. When he wants to see my ds that is great and when he doesn't that is great. Now, after 4 years, he realizes the time with my ds is precious and he pitches in more and the dust has pretty much settled.
I have learned to set boundaries - like he has to give the schedule early so I can plan the week with the babysitters, carpoolers, activities, etc. And he doesn't always get it the way he wants - I have activities and priorities too. But for the most part it goes smooth now - I do try to preserve the father child relationship as much as I can because I see the benefit for ds.
When ds complains that he doesn't get to see his father as much as he wants, I remind him that daddy is working and doing the best that he can. Even a married/good father is going to be late and working hard so I try to think of it that way.
While you may be irritated with meme (your MIL) I think it is good that the kids have a release and comfort person right now. And thank goodness she is willing to help. Don't expect her to be the judge or to take sides. And don't worry about what she thinks. Just focus on her relationship with the kids and show your appreciation for her taking them.
I hope the divorce comes quickly now. It is a shame that you had to deal with such disappointment and drugs. I am sorry. But you sound like a strong women and you must be to have three children. It is good that you vented.
I had to laugh when I saw you write about cleaning the floor - cleaning is great therapy and I resolve to that for sanity, too.
Hi Laura
Welcome back to the board!
I am also from MA and I know how long the other person can drag out a divorce. Mine took 3 years. As far as the parenting class, I had to take my ex to court and file a contempt against him to make him take the parenting class. I did this on my own without a lawyer and so can you, it's very simple. They will give him a set amount of time that he has to take the class in and then you can get the divorce moving. Don't let this drag out any longer than it needs to because the stress of having the court stuff is very heavy. Do you have a lawyer?
As far as the feelings of wanting someone around for comfort and sex, God knows I understand. I didn't wait for my divorce to date and I really won't be a hypocrite and tell you you need to. But what I will tell you is to know yourself well enough to know what you want and what you can handle right now. A fling can be a great thing but if you can't emotionally separate sex from love, you won't be able to handle it. And if you are very caught up in angry feelings towards your stbx, you will probably have a hard time moving forward in a real relationship. It can be all consuming at times.
Try as hard as you can to keep your feelings about your stbx away from the kids. He is still their dad and they need to be able to feel safe telling you their feelings, not afraid of what you'll say. I know it's hard with an 11 year old girl. My dd is going to be 11 in 12 days. That's a really tough age for a girl so don't take it hard that she is so upset. She's got hormones a plenty swarming around already and this is a tough time of year for kids when they don't see one parent regularly.
I hope you will come back and visit here often, I think you will find a lot of great advice and help here.
Hugs
Tara
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