Yeah....I See It For What It Is....
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| Fri, 01-27-2006 - 5:50pm |
I see things for what they are...and even though it hurts, I know it'll be okay.
I guess I had to do one last thing to realize it though...lol. I went and picked up my necklace from my "crush" last night. After I saw him and talked to him for a few minutes I was in ga-ga land again...lol.
Last night my friend and I were going out for a couple of hours. So, after much deliberation (lol) I picked up my phone and called "crush" and I asked him if he would like to come out and have a drink with us. He didn't say "no" flatout, but he gave some excuses and said probably not.
Well...I felt so unbelievably stupid after that! But oh well. If he wanted to go out or do something with me then he would. I don't know why I feel so blind when I look at things that I'm going through. If anyone else was posting this or going through this, I could see it for what it is and probably give some good advise on it. However, I tend to look at things in a cloudy perspective when it comes to things that I'm going through. Maybe it's b/c I want things to be so different so badly. But, they're not and probably not ever going to be.
It hurts, but it'll be okay. In the grand scheme of things, I don't really need to be with him anyway. He has too much stuff going on in his life and I have too much going on in mine. I'm not really at a place where I should actually be with someone anyway. I see that...I'm just a little hung up on my crush (which I realize that's exactly what he is to me - thanks Judy...lol).
I'm not calling him anymore, I'm not going to go anywhere where he is (ie mutual friend's parties, etc.), I'm not going to have another one night "fling" with him ever again, and I'm just going to try and move on. I've done it before in a way...and this is not the end of the world.
I'm a big girl. I have a lot on my plate and I NEED to just focus on that...I don't know why I get side tracked some times...lol! I guess it happens to everyone at times. Sometimes the loneliness kicks in and I grieve that companionship that I don't have. But it's not the end of the world and it's not the end of mine. I'm just going to keep telling myself (and hopefully I'll start to believe it) that it's his loss and not mine. He passed on a good thing - oh well...when and if he ever does realize it, it'll be too late. No more chances - I deserve better.
(How do I start believing that?)
Kait

You are right on this post. Good going!!
"I'm a big girl. I have a lot on my plate and I NEED to just focus on that...I don't know why I get side tracked some times...lol! I guess it happens to everyone at times. Sometimes the loneliness kicks in and I grieve that companionship that I don't have. But it's not the end of the world and it's not the end of mine. I'm just going to keep telling myself (and hopefully I'll start to believe it) that it's his loss and not mine. He passed on a good thing - oh well...when and if he ever does realize it, it'll be too late. No more chances - I deserve better.
(How do I start believing that?)"
The point is yes - you do need to focus on putting your life back together - school, job, etc. so you can be all you can be. The loneliness is tough and is never really going to go away but it will become tremendously more managable in time if you are doing the right things to combat it. Then you will not be in a position to be too needy and make a bad decision.
The point is that you want a relationship with someone who you love who meets your needs. Your crush may some day provide it and he may not - you cannot control this. But you are going to meet your goal with him or without him. And that is what you have to believe. YOu have to believe in yourself that you can do this, you do deserve it and you are going to wait to get it and get it right.
And of course we are all here for the stories along the way. I know exactly how you feel because I am in the same boat. I don't want to be just a booty call or settle for some scraps - I want love and the real thing.
Kait,
Sometimes we need that one last time to really reaffirm to ourselves that things won't work out- it's like closure but more painful.