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| Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:07pm |
I feel like you guys "know" me, even if you can't see me. I've posted enough for you guys to know that since my exh left 7 years ago, I haven't had such good experiences with dating and relationships. On my own with my kids, I'm fine. I make a good living and I'm fortunate enough to get child support. I've managed to hold onto my house, even though it needs work. All in all, I can say I'm pretty proud of myself and me as a mom. I just haven't gotten the hang of this dating thing. I have questions, and I don't see anything wrong with posting questions, doubts, feelings, rants, good news, whatever. That's what I thought IVillage was supposed to be about. Anyway, enough about my bad experience. I just learned a valuable lesson, and I can totally appreciate every one on this board even more. Cheers to you guys!!!!
I guess I posted somewhere else because sometimes I think I post too much, and I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm crazy or anything. I'm not crazy. I'm 39 years old, and I honestly have a hard time with this dating thing. I haven't had that much practice. I was with my exh for 14 years. I met him when I was 18, and I married him at 22. I didn't date anyone but him, but after we split.
I posted about this guy before, and I got some responses. His name is Paul, and I met him at the single parents club that I belong to. I been out with him and other club members twice, and alone with him twice. I'll be 39 next month, and he just turned 53. I have admitted that the age difference kind of bothered me a bit. Our first date was fine. The second date not as good, becuase he talked about his ex-wives too much, and he has 3 of them. That bothers me more than his age. Anyway, he called me last Thursday, the night of the debates. We started talking about the debates, then other stuff, then we ended up being on the phone for 3 hours. I talked to him for about an hour the next day, and an almost two hours the day after that. When he called me the night of the debates, I was going to tell him I didn't want to see him any more. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but after our long conversation, I changed my mind.
I think we got to know each other better in that three-hour conversation than we did on either of the dates. Maybe it's easier to talk on the phone than in person, but he really opened up to me. He hasn't dated in 2 years, and he said he was real nervous. The other men I dated after my divorce were all bachelors, never been married, no kids. This is the first guy I have dated that is a single dad. I never realized what a difference there is until I started talking to Paul. I laid down some very important boundaries with him, like it will be a long while before you meet my kids, and I only go out when my kids are with their dad, and call me after 9:30 when they are asleep -- and he was ok with all of them. In fact he said that he understands that my kids come first, and that's the way it should be, and he respects me as a mom. Wow, no one ever respected me as a mom before. He respects my family privacy, and he respects my space. He's not trying to come in and tell me how to raise my kids or run my life -- like all those other men have. I guess what I'm trying to say is that over the weekend with us talking so much, I've experienced what it's like to talk to someone who understands my situation, and I like that. That's why I had the change of heart. I enjoy talking to him on the phone, and I do enjoy his company. This weekend I don't have my kids, but Paul is flying to California to visit his son and see his new house. When he comes back, I will have the kids, so it will be a couple of weeks before we can hook up. He said he really enjoys my company, and he wants to see me again when he comes back in town. My heart tells me that I enjoy this man's company, and I should go for it. My head tells me he's been married 3 times, and to be cautious.
I guess because I have been hurt so many times in the past that I try to analyze a relationship from the start, and if there's something I'm nervous about, I'd rather end it early before I get too attached. I just sometimes think that I'm being silly --like I've only been on four dates with this guy and I'm thinking about a long-term relationship where he would meet my kids. Pretty dumb, huh? Like I said, I tend to think the worst, and then scare myself. But he did say that I worry too much and that I should just relax and have fun. In our long conversation, I told Paul that I wanted to take things very slowly. He agreed, because he said that I wasn't the only one who had suffered past hurts. I think I'm over-analyzing this one and "putting the horse before the cart" (as my dad would say). In fact, I was at a birthday party Sunday for my niece. I have 4 sisters, and I only told the one I am closest with about Paul because I thought I would hear a lot of negative things about the age difference. She asked me a question, and word kind of got around the table, so the cat is out of the bag. And much to my surprise, none of my sisters thought the age difference was a big deal at all. My brother-in-law, whose a lawyer, and can be real opiniated, said "carpe diem" which means sieze the moment. He told me to just have a good time, and also to my surprise, my very old-fashioned mother agreed with him.
I do have doubts, that's why I ask for opinions. Believe me, I'm not one of those kind of people who looks at life through rose-colored glasses. I'm more of a pessimist. I know there are red flags here. But something is telling me to get to know him better and give him the benefit of the doubt. Like I said, things kind of changed over the weekend. I had my mind made up, but I really felt we connected over the weekend and I'd like to give it another try. That's why I posted on the other board. I just wanted to know if I would go with the flags and call it quits, or go with my heart and gut and give him another chance. I posted there because of our age difference. I figured women with a similar age difference might be able to help me -- BZZZZ - wrong answer.
Sorry this is so long. I was really upset about the other board and I needed to vent. I know I can get advice from many people, but the decision is up to me. If I take the chance, and things don't work out, than that's my own fault. I just wanted to hear your input because I respect everyone here so much. Thanks.
Donna

I'm not sure what advise you are looking for, Donna. I've already rang in on the age difference, when you first met him. I think since you are an adult, it's just not that big of a deal. And I'm not sure what the flags are? He's been divorced three times? Ok, yeah, that's a flag. I'd want to know more about WHY 3 divorces. Does he not really value marriage and take it seriously? Did he get married too young and then go into an immediate rebound marriage? Has he learned from his mistakes????
On meeting your kids, 4 dates, and I think it's still way too soon. Get to know each other better, enjoy the relationship between the two of you, and in a month or so, when you have a better idea or your relationship and about whether or not the red flags are really issues or simply stupid mistakes that he's learned from and moved on from, THEN give it a go.
My dh is 11 years my senior, when we started dating I had a 3 year old and he had a 17 year old and a 15 year old. I wasn't sure he WANTED to handle my son - but he did. And he does, beautifully. Better than I do on tons of occasions! And no one was more thrilled than him when I found out I was pregnant, and I honestly believe it's his maturity and wisdom that makes him such an incredible father.
Slow down, enjoy yourself, and take the time to get to really know him. HUGS!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Between me and you, I had been reading posts on that board ever since I met Paul a couple of months ago, and I think Dee sounds like a crabby old lady. LOL Anyway, thanks for your reply. I really appreciate your advice. It was good to hear that even though your husband had older children, he was still able to interact well with your three-year-old. Paul's son is 29, my twins are 7. I guess I was just wondering how he would react to little kids or if he even wanted to be bothered. None of the other men I dated ever really clicked with my kids, so it's always in the back of my mind. I had no intention of him meeting my kids any time soon. In fact, the last man I dated never met my kids, and we dated for almost 6 months -- which ended up being a blessing because it didn't work out -- but it had no effect on my kids.
As for his marriages, the more I talk to him, the more information I get. He feels he could have tried harder with his first marriage, but he was young. The second marriage he says he stayed in longer than he should have, but he really wanted to make it work, but then there was infidelity on his wife's part, which ended it. The third I'm not so sure about. I kind of make a joke out of it now. He told me that all his ex-wives were Irish, Catholic and Scorpios. And I said that I now understand why he was divorced three times. I'm Irish, a Scorpio, and was raised Catholic (but now am in a Christian church) and I know how nasty I can be when I get aggravated. LOL.
I guess I'm letting my concerns get in the way of having a good time, and I shouldn't do that. I think I'm going into this with my eyes wide open -- more than I ever had in the past. I intend to take things slow and be careful.
I really appreciate your advice. It helped alot, and I'm happy that things worked out so well for you. Thanks again.
Donna
TT raised SO MANY flags with me. He lived with 4 of his prior girlfriends, they all dated for over two years, and he was the one who always ended it, twice ending it when pushed for a ring or a date. Made me fear he was totally commitment phobic. And he has two kids with two women, one that he wasn't married to. (NOW he has 3 kids with 3 women! ACK!) Through time - we worked through every single fear I had.
I think if you are attracted to him, share common interests, goals, values, etc., respect him for the man he is, you should just RELAX and go with the flow! ENJOY HIM! Enjoy his company!!!! Time will tell, Donna. It always does!
Hugs!
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I have to agree with you about some of the posts on the May/December board. Seems obvious to us that it's a booty call, but I guess when you're real young, you just can't see it. I don't think my situation is a booty call. He's been a perfect gentleman -- he hasn't even kissed me yet. LOL.
Donna