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| Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:10pm |
I found this article on the net while looking for single mom stuff. Thought you guys might want to read it.
Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
The Problem With Single Mothers
Doctor:
I just read the article "Read and Heed" on your website concerning dating a single mom.
It seems to be saying dating a single mom is a terrible thing and men should keep away at all costs. If a man is truly in love with a woman, he will accept the children just to be with her. Besides, the children will eventually grow up and move out of the house (hopefully) and then the relationship can continue on.
Finding someone you want to spend the rest of your life with is not all that easy. For a man to let go of a woman just because she has kids is a shame, he may be the one missing out on something great. Sure there would be challenges, but I think two adults who love each other can figure out something to make it work. I guess I'm just trying to say not to completely discourage men who may have found someone they really like but has children.
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Hello!
Thanks for your comments!
You're right-on on your analysis of my article "Read and Heed". I encourage men to stay away from dating single mothers at all costs. Yes, I know this doesn't seem fair, but consider it from another point of view: relationships are very difficult as it is. Adding kids to the mix raises this difficulty exponentially. Further, the laws in this country can actually make a man liable for 100% of the child's expenses even though he isn't the father! This happens all the time. Unfair? You bet! But that's the way things are in this "feminized world" we live in today. Until we get this changed (unlikely to be soon), this is the #1 reason why men should avoid dating single mothers.
Let's look at you as the mother of this kid. You didn't mention if you were married to the child's father, but it is becoming much more common for women to (stupidly) have children without being married first. Even celebrities like Madonna, Calista Flockhart, and Rosy O'Donnell are "doing it". What a great example this sets for people who look up to celebrities! I actually had a very well known author (female) tell me that if a woman's body is capable of bearing children, she has every right to do it - with or without a father, and society just has to deal with that fact!
So, let's say that you weren't married when you got pregnant, for the sake of this discussion. What does the man already know about you? First, that you make poor, selfish decisions about your kids. You see, having children outside of marriage is bad for the kids - it has been proved over and over again. You can't replace the father's importance in your child's life.
You probably have to work, (or be on welfare) to support them, which means that you aren't around for most of the time. What time you ARE there has to be dedicated to these kids, not to your boyfriend. Don't you think he should know that up front? After all, is that really fair to him? He didn't make the decision for you to have kids - you did.
What if you're divorced? This is a similar issue. Let me explain: What this tells a guy is that you pick the wrong men, or that even when you're in a critical situation (like being a parent), you can't keep the father around. Is the father a jerk? Perhaps, but again - YOU picked him!
In either case, you chose to have this baby, and for whatever reason the baby's father isn't around, as he should be. This isn't a reflection on the men you date from here on; it's a reflection on you. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Remember: there is nothing so selfish as having children in the first place! After all, the children don't ask to be born - YOU decided that FOR the child. For that reason, you owe them everything - and every possibility for success in this difficult world. By not having the father around, these kids are already at a disadvantage.
Why would a man want that much trouble? Further, just because the man loves the mother, that doesn't mean that he's going to love the children, nor must the children love the man! He has had nothing to do with their upbringing thus far, and, depending on your point of view, may have no involvement in their future upbringing either!
Now, you're really going hate this: men with kids aren't the challenge for women that women with kids are for men! Why not? Because of many reasons including:
* Men rarely get sole custody of children in divorces at the worst; they have shared custody, and often not even that, and
* Men usually have some other "support" group to watch the kids - when they're at work for instance.
All of this considered, I stand by my article. Having children is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. Frankly, it affects your life in profound ways - including your relationships. You're just going to have to live with the fact that your choices have impacted your own possibility of getting - and keeping - a fulfilling relationship; that that it's impossible, but it is much more difficult. This isn't my rule - it was here when I arrived.
Best regards...
<<<<>>>Can u guys believe this jerk>>>>>><<<<<

I could understand if he brought up some real issues of dating women with children - like time constraints or dealing with a difficult x. But he just attacks single moms for their state of being. And he makes them all sound like welfare states with legal implications.
For as many "problems" our children bring to the dating process, they do bring good as well.
Children have good and open hearts - they attach themselves to those we bring in our lives and learn from them. They make us all better people and they teach us so much more than we could ever teach them. They are truly a blessing.
And sure, we have all made relationship mistakes. But the fact of the matter is that over 50% of the US population has made a relationship mistake. Our world is not easy on marriage and relationships for a variety of reasons. Some women are doomed because they had no father or a bad father in their lives. Anna Nicole Smith is an excellent, although deeply sad, example of this. I have watched women here and in real life struggle because of lack of intelligence in dating and relationships - certainly not in a lack of her own character.
I know so many moms and single moms. And I know they are better people for being a mom. Better than a screaming mimi teenager who has the perfect body and blabs incessantly on her cell phone and is so self centered and needy. Now that I think of it, all who read his article and agree with it do deserve one of those.
Amen, West. Is it me, or does this guy sound really embittered? And I have to say most of the single moms I know were married for a long time before their divorces, and Dad is very much still in the picture. Sure I chose to marry my X, but he is not the same person now that he was 30 years ago when I fell in love with him. I wasn't the same person when I chose to end our marriage that I was 21 years earlier when I chose to get married. My kids are better off psychologically in a peaceful home, without all the constant stress of Dad's mood swings and narcissism. M enjoys the fact that compared to my X he looks like a Boy Scout. He likes that I don't overreact, I know what it takes to stay in a relationship for the long haul, I don't have fairy tale expectations. Funny, come to think of it, every guy I've dated has been a single dad. Whether it's because only guys who are fathers are willing to ask me out or if I'm only interested in guys who have been fathers is anybody's guess.
QB, who thinks it's probably been a long time since the good Dr. got a little somethin' somethin-LOL
Oh. My. God. What an arrogant, self-serving jackass! The thing that cracks me up about all of this is that it is so unrealistic in this world to not expect that a woman will have children.
Men can expect perfection from us, but we shouldn't dare expect them to have made all the right choices in their lives? Oh, excuse me, it must have benn their exes' fault that their past relationships didn't work, since obviously women are dumb, can't handle doing more than one thing at a time, and really ought to just stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships for the sake of their children. Said children will then learn that this is normal, and continue the vicious cycle.
Whatever. I'm glad most men I've met are smarter about the facts of life than this guy.
Moody, fired up now
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Sheesh. I googled this guy as I couldn't believe his attitude.
For more enlightening articles and advice, click on http://www.kissmegoodnight.com/dating-advice-and-tips/index.shtml.
Is this Dr Neder guy famous in the US? I have just read his bio, and now plan to spend a few minutes checking out some more of his priceless words of wisdom.
It is comforting to know that because of my single mother status, Dr Neder will be
"stay away from dating at all costs."
Not forgetting to warn Monkey when I go home tonight that he will have to keep working, or go on welfare, to support me, and that what time I AM there has to be dedicated to my children. I shall probably tell him that in the pub while we're happily sipping on some nice cocktails.
Clem xx
His articles are ridiculous.
He further contradicts himself to say that you don't want a virgin because it is too much work to train her. And then he goes on to say that only 10% of women are good in bed. On and on. He reminds me of a 40+ bachelor that has never been married or the type of man who is a player and just wants sex.
Ridiculously selfish views that are not true.
woman hating, insecure &$^%$#**&&^%$! He knows how to tell it like it really isn't.
He knows nothing about women and it's obvious that he harbors anger and bitterness towards them. Any man that would take his advice seriously is a total jack ass himself.
Just ANOTHER in the line of chauvinist pigs! This is the only category this creep is suitable for.
Its so blindly lead by a man who obviously has either a)got shafted by a married women and it broke his little cold heart or b)has a small penis and doesn't like being compared to other men. Judgements like his are based off of an insecurity of not being able to handle the inevitable comparision to a previous long term ex because it will expose every little crack in him.....what a pr!ck.
You're all right--what an absolute idiot!
Yes, there are challenges involved in dating a single mom. There are challenges involved in dating--guess what?--anybody.
A large point of the dating process is learning about the package deal that is a person, right? So when a single mom is dating, her significant guy learns about the children who come in her package, and also about the kind of mother she is. Is he willing to accept her, faults and quirks and beautiful things and all?
What are her children? Are they faults? Or quirks? Or beauty? It depends on the perspective of the person who's looking. What we need are men who see our children as part of who we are, as a positive thing, and who will accept us along with them as part of the package they want to spend the rest of their lives with.
I'm sure there are a large group of men who don't want that, and that's certainly their decision to make, and better sooner than later. I hope those guys read this idiot's column, validate their opinions, and stay the hell away from me. But there's also a group of men who are happy to look at moms as a package deal--we come with our children, and that's not a bad thing.
And I just thought of a very clear POSITIVE aspect of dating someone with a child--
M's dad is very much a "children should be seen and not heard" person who wanted his daughter to wear pink and be nice. I wanted her to be herself, mud and opinions and all. He wanted to be harsh and controlling, I thought M should be treated gently and lovingly. This caused huge conflicts in our marriage, and I'm sure that friction over parenting styles is a problem in a lot of relationships.
There's really no way to know, before a person has children, what kind of parent they'll be. You can have theories about it, sure, but do you really know how you'll handle having kids? No. And neither does he.
But guess what? The guy I'm dating is having lots of opportunities to observe the kind of mother I am. He can watch me interact with M. and he can see what kind of person M. is becoming because of my style of doing things. And though she's not his child, I can watch how he treats her, and also what he seems to expect of me. We're learning something about the other person that we wouldn't have had a chance to see if there wasn't a child involved.
So there, Mr. Smarty Pants Stupid Jerk Advice Guy! :)