You Guys Were Right

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
You Guys Were Right
9
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:19pm
I hate to say this, and I have to eat a lot of crow this morning, but you guys were right. I should have listened to you. I took a chance, and I lost. My older man turned out to be a huge frog.

I didn't have the kids this weekend, so I saw him Friday night and Saturday night, and I had a good time. He called me last night and said that we needed to talk and that he would call me later on in the week. I said lets talk now. I knew what was coming. I had been there many times before, and I could just feel it. Why let me think about it for 3 days -- let's just get it over with.

He ended things. He was pretty clear in stating what he wanted. He said he did not want a relationship with me -- all he wanted was a friendship -- with benefits, of course. No emotional attachment, just sex. I told him I couldn't do that and I would not do that. Well, I guess he didn't like my answer because then he turned mean. I have been dumped many times in the past, but never quite like this. He said a lot of mean, hurtful things about me that aren't true. He has these pre-conceived ideas about me and when he would make a statement, I would say it wasn't true, because it wasn't, but he didn't believe me. It was an argument I was never going to win. Any kindness or nice thing that I ever did for him, he turned it around and made it sound like I was controlling and like I had some kind of ulterior motive. Simple questions at dinner the night before were perceived by him as interrogations. I would never win with a person like that. I never said it to him, but I now know why he was married three times. He's an absolute b*****d!! I told him that I don't think he liked me at all and I really don't think he likes women at all. He's got an ax to grind with woman, and I was his chopping block. Words can cut like a knife, and they certainly did. I'm still reeling today from the attack. I can't believe it had to get that ugly. I did not deserve that. I don't get it. I treated him with nothing but kindness and respect. If he wanted to end it, fine -- but the rest was unnecessary.

The problem is, once hurtful words are out there, they can't be taken back. He has absoultely shattered my self-confidence and my self-esteem. I feel like a worthless piece of garbage. That no man would ever want to be with someone like me -- unless of course they only wanted sex. I feel like I have only one good quality -- I'm a good mom -- but that quality doesn't seem to be high on the list of what men are looking for in a woman. I'm so depressed right now that I just want to crawl in a hole and die. But, I have no one to blame but myself. I followed my heart, and it got stomped on again. Maybe some day I'll figure it out. Right now I absolutely hate men. The wall is going back up. I will not date any time soon. I'm just not good at it, so I quit.

You know I've been struggling with my daughter in school. She was put on a different kind of ADHD medication, and she's not reacting to it well at all. I have all that to deal with on Sunday when she comes home, then Paul calls and acts like a fool. I really can't take any more. I feel like such a failure, in all aspects of my life. I feel like I just can't do anything right. I'm sorry to be such a downer, but life sucks for me today.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:36pm
DONNA! WHY do you have to eat crow???????

You took a chance! You went into this eyes wide open, and in what I think to be a very short amount of time, Paul showed his true colors and what it was that he wanted. I am so sorry he turned out to be a major b*****d . . . but that has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with HIM. DO NOT let him bother you!

You are NOT a failure. You are a wonderful mom, a wonderful friend, a bright woman, a compassionate woman, an AMAZING woman.

I'm so sorry that your daughter's new medication is causing her problems.

Hugs to you Donna, you will regain your footing and be ok!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:45pm

Dont you dare allow his behavior which stemmed from pure GUILT because he did care and got spooked and fled the scene

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 12:46pm


NONONONONONONO!!! A man who only wants sex from you is a user, don't take anything he says about you as true. He wants you to think you are only good for that, that's his MO.

He is the loser, the user, the abuser who doesn't want a connection. He has emotional problems if that's all he wants. Disregard what he says.

You were only trying to be a good person, establish contact with someone, and be real.

This is about HIM, not YOU! Don't take it on yourself.

Forget him and move on...say "NEXT!"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 1:02pm
I am sorry for you!! I would much rather be WRONG, DEAD WRONG than read this story.

But you need to back up a minute and put things in perspective. Okay, let me get this right. This loser a$$hole who is an old poop with three failed marriages and nothing to offer only wants sex and he gets mad and belittles you when you won't agree? And now you feel bad???

You have to shake this off and realize there is nothing wrong with YOU - it is all wrong with him. Seriously!!

Would you get upset if you were selling a car and someone started yelling at you that they wanted the car for free without paying for it? There is nothing wrong with the car - it is the buyer that thinks he should get it for free!! This is a dumb analogy but the same thing.

There are plenty of good fish in the sea. This one has taught you, and all of us, a lesson. Good thing he didn't waste too much of your time. We have all had bad toads - it is not that there is something wrong with any of us - just that the numbers are against us. Too many bad toads to count.

You will do better next time. But for now, you need lots of self care. Just take it easy and your senses will come back and you will see this idiot for what he is. Try not to think of all the things wrong or you will overwhelm yourself. You are a beautiful mom with great kids and you are helping them be all they can be - and that is not according to anyone else's standards.

I hope I am not repeating what others are saying or missing something - I haven't read the other notes yet but had to respond right away.


Edited 11/8/2004 1:29 pm ET ET by west1745

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 2:10pm

OH Donna. Hug Hug HUG! I am SO sorry he was a creep about it, instead of just being a grown up. If his idea of relationship was different from yours, that should have been ok with him. He didn't have to behave so badly. I am sorry you had to hear ugly things.


FIRST off, I hope you

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:13pm
That man is an absolute butthead! Don’t waste anymore time giving this guy the power to drop your self-esteem. He doesn’t deserve it! You’re too good to take him up on his offer and that’s what made him angry. What a frog indeed.

I think you’re right to take a break from it. You need lots of positive self-talk. Don’t put yourself down because of this. You are a GREAT person and you will conquer this moment, just like all others you’ve conquered. Take some time off to do some things for yourself. Wait until you’re in a place where you don’t need a man to polish your self-esteem before you start dating again. When you’re there, you’ll spot the deadbeats right away and you’ll leave them in the dust like the roadkill that they are, while paving the road for your future prince.

Many hugs to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:18pm
The guy has three divorces.

Kim

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 3:59pm
Aw Donna

I'm sorry. Everyone is right, this is not anything you did wrong or in any way a reflection of you as a person. It is a true picture of who he is and at least you know now rather than months down the road. I know it doesn't hurt any less though hearing that. But he is a real jerk and you are better off without him around. Try not to let this get you down too much. He isn't worth your time or your heart.

I'm feeling like a heel cuz I encouraged you to give him a chance. Now I feel dumb.

You are a good mom and all you can do with your daughter's ADHD is keep plugging away til you get it under control. I hope they can find a medicine that she can tolerate and you soon will be on the road to success in that area. Do hang in there! We all know you can do it and we'll remind you whenever you need to hear it!

Hugs

Tara

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 4:03pm
Donna,

Don't feel like anyone is saying to herself....oh man, I told her this would happen. This stuff happens to all of us. By him, getting mean with you it will probably help you get over him faster. Your self-esteem will bounce back the more you write him off as just one big jerk.

I'm sorry it happened that way. It must have scared you and caught you off guard. Whenever a guy pulls a Jekyll and Hyde on me, it makes me nervous.

Tricia