You won't BELIEVE this!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
You won't BELIEVE this!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 3:24pm

My boyfriend and I broke up. We basically did it simuteaneously. Both for the same but different reasons. Drugs. I know that he was involved in a bad streak after his divorce from his wife last year and he got involved in some pretty bad stuff; but mainly cocaine. However, he said he had been on an everyday binge and then quit cold turkey in December 2004, so only 6 months ago and left all the people behind that were doing it with him.

Still very NEW but I accepted that he had a bad streak, knew he was getting help from his church and his therapist, so I never dwelt on that. NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, with everything that happened last weekend with my best friend, something else came up. HIS best friends and him were going out (they are a bunch of married couples and he's the only single one) and he told me, that his friends all decided on a last minute party and called up the drug guy for some coke. These SUPPOSED friends, asked Scott to join along, he said NO THANKS and walked out. However, he said he was so tempted. I thought he got rid of those friends? When I talked to him about it the next day, he ignored me and didn't want to discuss it. Then he went out with them again that night and started acting real strange with me. I told him AGAIN, that I wanted nothing to do with the scene and nothing to do with people of that kind and not be confronted with it and MOST definitely not my children even REMOTELY involved. His married couple friends ALL have kids! They are all in their mid 30`s. He then again ignored my worries, he hasn't tried to calm me down and since I told him that, he basically has treated me really badly this week. I'm absolutely shocked about the whole situation and we were supposed to see each other in 10 days and I finally told him, that I couldn't do it. I didn't tell him why anymore, but I told him that it seemed that he has been acting very strange and very unsupportive this week and I feel like he has changed. I didn't know how to tell him the truth, because he has ignored it this whole time. Even the night before, he said we are going to party and I said, I'm sorry, but I am really not interested. I want my quiet, want to spend time with him and hoped he would promise that we could do that. He ignored the comment again and when I wrote him an email to tell him I didn't think this was working afterall. All the wierdness lately has just been to much stress and pressure and he seems to be completely off the wall, he called me up and told me NEVER to contact him again. He then emailed me, to remind me NEVER to contact him again. I'm absolutely sick over this. I spoke to my cousin who knew nothing that he had abused drugs, but when I spoke of his strange behaviour, etc. she said, that it sounds from his reaction and the strange way he's been acting and that he has serious stress at work (she knew this part, that I didn't), that it sounds that he might still be using.
I am speechless. I am just totally upset. I don't know if I should let things just go, or try to talk to him when I get their. Or if I should wait until I move over or if I should just let it end like it did.
Ladies, this guy is really a wonderful guy. He is very sweet, he's taken a huge amount of time for me, we've been so great together, but the whole drug scene just absolutely BLEW MY MIND, no matter him or his friends, it's not for me. Not something I can mix my children up. I've been down that road before when I was a teenager and early twenties. I walked away from it. That chapter has closed. I don't ever want to be involved or know people who are in this. Especially in their 30's. He obviously thinks it's OK for his friends to do this every so often. I don't think anything about it is OK. I think he talked to his friends about how upset it made me, or he didn't, but somewhere he decided if I was against his friends now or that maybe he really still did have a problem and I found out, that he rather just let me hang and choose HIS friends over me. HOw can REAL friends, who supposidly know he doesn't do this anymore, ASK HIM TO????? WHAT IS WRONG with this PICTURE???? This is all in a nutshell, but honestly, their is more detail, that would definitely make you think, as I do, that he is still into the scene.
I'm shocked and just sick. I don't know how I can fly over in 10 days and act like he never existed. I won't contact him, but I am just sooo upset and crying my eyes out.
What should I do? I'm absolutely speechless!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 4:27pm
I think what you should do is thank your lucky stars you found out now. He didn't change, you just learned a little more about who he is, and it wasn't good news. You have to realize and accept you didn't know the real him. People are good at hiding their true selves at the beginning of a relationship, and he did a good job of that. Thankfully you found out now, before you got even more involved or your girls got involved in knowing him.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 5:10pm

Hon, I know I should count my lucky stars. Everyone says that, but I KNOW their was a reason to why we met. I know that sounds reallly realllllly stupid, but I can't tell you how I know this. My cousin knew nothing of his past year, so she was absolutely shocked. She at first told me she didn't want to know, but I told her I HAD to talk to her about it. She listened, paused and then she agreed that his behaviour seemed VERY strange and that I was right for walking away. That she also would NEVER stand to such a situation and that she is happy that I did walk away. That I couldn't jeopardize my family and myself with hanging out with people, that were going to hurt me in any shape or form. She knows who his friends are, but she was suprised that they were in the scene. She said, that as close as they are, she didn't see him choosing me over them. Not if this sort of thing is in the picture.

However, she also said, that maybe when I've moved over, things will have changed again. I don't want to think about that now. What I keep thinking is that we do really love each other. I at least can't believe it was a fraud, that he called me everyday or wrote everyday and that it meant nothing. Short time or not, I believe he does love me. I can't be their to really talk to me and he's said lately that he wishes I was their to really talk to him. That he can't talk to his friends and he wishes I was their to do that with him. Something inside of me tells me, he is struggling so badly. I am not making excuses. I am not willing to go into a relationship with this kind of problem, but I am not quite ready to give up on this. Maybe I just need a few more days to realize that what I am writing now is really stupid. I just feel like I need to tell him exactly what is going on in my head and what I am seriously worried about. That I didn't try to push him away for any old stupid reason. However, I am not ready to talk to him now, I am not ready to talk to him in 10 days. My insides tell me, that doing that, would just blow up in my face.

He broke down crying this week with his pastor at church. That really sent HUGE warning bells off. He called his father do to a father and son bonding this weekend. That was another huge sign. Something is going on, but he wouldn't talk to me and he was just WAY off with me since last week. On the other hand, he's been hanging out with these goons EVERYDAY this week. What is going on!!??

I know I need to just let it rest and count those lucky stars, but my mind is reeling. This time I don't believe it was just some guy I met. This time I really believe that their was a REAL reason to it all.

Maybe God put us together for a reason, as Scott has believed all along, but now with the tempations and his friends, he has forgotten it all. I can't say he's doing anything. He might be totally clean, but I don't know from here and I can only keep thinking, that he told me he walked away from all these friends and yet, they seem to be all still their!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 6:21pm

I think his mixed messages about his friends being out of his life and then in his life sounds exactly like someone who is on drugs but trying to pretend they are clean. They say, oh no, I'm not using, I've distanced myself from those people. But then one phone call and there they are, right there partying together. I don't know that being off drugs for 6 months means he's left that world behind, tempation is everywhere and he hasn't had enough tests to prove he can be strong against them.

Maybe the reason he's in your life is to show you to be careful who you trust, and who you love, and that you want to know someone and every aspect of them for a lot longer before you let them have your heart. Do you think that could be it? I'm scared when you say you aren't ready to give up on someone who might be using drugs. I'm scared for you and for your girls. Your gut is telling you to stay away from him, and I think you should follow your gut.

Of course he's hurting. People who are using drugs many times know what they are doing to themselves and they hate it, they want to stop but can't because it's so hard. You can't be the one to help him or save him though, only he can do that, on his own, if his desire is strong enough. He might very well love you, he might have hoped that you would be more accepting of that lifestyle, and he might be very upset that he's going to lose you due to his stupid mistakes. But he should lose you, he is very lucky if he doesn't lose himself.




Edited 6/12/2005 6:24 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 06-12-2005 - 7:43pm

I agree. The man does sound like he's still using and hasn't been realistic with himself or with you. People who abuse drugs like cocaine are very extreme, they will swing back and forth- and even faster if they know you're on to them. The guy will say "I love you with all my heart" and the next tell you to get lost (like telling you not to contact him again, EVER) because he knows that you are not happy and do not respect his choices. He will try to turn it around on you, because they become manipulative sociopaths to get and keep what they want. He will tell you what you want to hear, but not follow through with his actions, because they are not needed, as far as he's concerned- he told you what you wanted to hear, isn't that good enough? He will tell you that he wants help, and that he needs your strength to get him through, playing on your desire to help and "save him", because he knows you love him and want to be there for him. But when you call him on his behaviour he will make YOU feel bad about it, tell you it's your fault.

I know this exact behaviour because I lived with it for 5 years and it only got worse. What's worse is that I now have a son who will have to deal with this man as a father and role model in his life- even if only part time since we are no longer together. It took me 5 years to realize that he was never going to change and no amount of love would help. I too think there was a reason that I met him, but I don't think it was for me to help him, but rather for me to learn about myself and what I am willing to accept from my partner.

I'm really sorry that you've had to deal with this, with your friend going off and now the guy. I was really hoping that you'd get some happiness after that dark cloud you were under. But you will get through this and you will move on, you will have too much on your plate with the move and the new EVERYTHING to dwell on some guy who just isn't right for you. So take the fun times you did have, and move on. When you get to the US you'll be free and open to date, so DO! Get out there and have some fun, do some sightseeing with the kids, and do the touristy thing to get acquainted with the town you've moved to. Have some fun!

And when the time is right, you'll meet a great guy who's genuine and you'll be there and have the chance to get to know the real him- not just the guy you talk to on the phone or through email. But you won't find that great guy if you're thinking about the one that you might think "got away", cause really- he's not worthy of you and all your wonderfulness and glory. You're truly a wonderful person, so don't accept just anybody into your life.

((((HUGS))))

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 9:55am

You're right- I don't believe it. I was so shocked to read this post. I'm sorry for you because it's not fair and it really sucks.

I know that it's especially hard because it seemed that you were meant for each other- that you met for a reason. I believe in that kind of stuff too. But I also believe that God gives us the freedom to choose our own path- and we can accept or reject his good designs. Scott has made his choice clear. He isn't willing to break apart from the drug life and those friends completely. Without a complete break, he has no hope of recovery. It's hard enough even when the break is complete.

You have had enough of the kind of man who can't fully give himself to you. Remember how great you felt when you were in love with a "nice guy"? Remember that feeling of turning your life in a new and promising direction? Now you have a better idea of what you really want. Hold onto to that Cat and everything will work itself out as is should. A whole new future awaits you here. Wait and see where it takes you.

Amy

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 10:47am
Hey darlin,
Of course (most defintely) do I know that I won't involve my children or myself into any situation that could involve us in a drug scene. I wouldn't have walked away so quickly now, if I wasn't serious about never getting my children or myself involved in something like that now. I closed that chapter in my life years ago before my children were born. I never looked back. I never ever wanted people in my life that had the drug thing going on in their life. I've been tested several times in my past since my children and I've walked away each time. Maybe you girls are right. Maybe I am the one being tested as well? Through all the stress and all the depressions I have been going through this last year? Maybe that is the reason God put me to a test. However, I can't believe he would be so cruel about it. With someone I was SURE was the best guy I have ever met, and to top it, a dear friend, a best friend of my cousins. She is shocked beyond belief. It all seemed too good to be true. Even Laura my cousin said what a wonderful person he is, that it doesn't make him a bad person, but it's obvious to her, that he has now made loser choices and has loser friends and that YES, he would choose them over me and most likely that yes, it sounds like he is still using.
What I meant, is that I can't prove that I am right, except for what he said about the incident with his friends and that is all I needed to hear, that I suddenly became VERY upset. His reaction towards me, the anger in his voice, the sudden change, the whole ignoring me or getting overly upset with me, etc, etc, tells me, that I hit a hot wire. The more I tested the hot wire, the more he reacted and I then realized I struck on something that I needed to get out of. Without trying to make it work, without trying to get the truth out. I just walked away. That is bothering me. That I suddenly had no doubt that this was trouble and that I was on cloud 10 and fell to zero within a matter of days. That I just let him walk away without trying to find out the truth or try to put sense into him. I'm just under shock.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 11:00am

""The man does sound like he's still using and hasn't been realistic with himself or with you. People who abuse drugs like cocaine are very extreme, they will swing back and forth- and even faster if they know you're on to them. The guy will say "I love you with all my heart" and the next tell you to get lost (like telling you not to contact him again, EVER) because he knows that you are not happy and do not respect his choices. He will try to turn it around on you, because they become manipulative sociopaths to get and keep what they want. He will tell you what you want to hear, but not follow through with his actions, because they are not needed, as far as he's concerned- he told you what you wanted to hear, isn't that good enough?"""

Alison, that hit a chord with me. Thank you so much for taking your own experience and writing me. This is EXACTLY what happened. The second he felt I was on to hím, the second he realized he said one thing to much and I didn't react well on it, he panicked and felt I was on to him. He became this awful jerk and very hurtful towards me and yelled at me, or he ignored me. He had these mood swings, of extreme highs and lows, but I figured it was his character and until this week, they weren't based on me.
I couldn't blame his moods or point a finger at it, because I have not been princess charming in quite sometime. I've been a basket case. This move has taken the last out of me. He was the only thing that brought sunshine into my life everyday. I wasn't making it easy on him either. I know that. If he said to anyone, that I was a B word or that I was absolutely a basket case, then alison, he would be right. I have been. However, I was still listening carefully to every word he said and watching, listening and taking things in. The second I found out about his friends, the second I pounced on it.

As I told First, I wish I could be a 100% sure and trust him enough, to try and find this out before executing him. I feel I haven't given him a chance, but then again, his reaction of acting like I was over reacting and ignoring me, I guess, means that I must of hit something hot. Otherwise, he would of tried to prove it or to settle my worries, right?

Thank you darling for being their. Right now I need lots of hugs.

- Catherine

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 11:06am
Thank you Amy for your kind words. Right now it's hard to see anything positive anymore, but I thank you for reminding me. I just feel like a TOTAL fool. Like the biggest idiot for again stepping in a pile of doo doo. LOL. It's like I enjoy hurting myself intentionally when it comes to the guy scene. I just don't understand why I keep meeting the wrong men? They seem absolutely attracted to me. I must leave this scent or something! LOL
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 2:29pm
Oh cat, I am so sorry to hear about this. I know how much you were looking forward to this relationship, but thank heavens you found out now before you were too deep into the situation. Please don't take this on Cat. You are fortunate that this is still a new relationship and you can cut your losses now, before you go too deep. Trust me, I know from experience, my ex was an alcoholic. They are expert manipulators. They can turn and twist things around until it's all your fault and you stay out of guilt and hope that you can help them. But the truth is, you don't owe him anything. Help yourself first and let him go. Don't give him the opportunity to suck you in anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 06-13-2005 - 7:54pm
(((HUGS)))) I know the shock may take a while to get through, but you are so smart to believe the way you do and be able to protect your girls from ever being near that. I am very glad to hear you reinforce you would never give a drug abuser a second chance. That idea just sends chills down my back. You are so strong and whatever reason this happened, you have lots of good coming to you. It's time, you deserve it.

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