Your input please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Your input please?
9
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 11:55am

I am new to this board and have a question for you guys. Your input would be sooooo helpful. Met a man through match.com. I don't usually respond to guys without photos, so I didn't get too excited about him at first. When he sent his photos, he was gorgeous! We emailed and seemed to share much in common. He's 46, never married (commited relationship in the past) and no kids. I'm 42, divorced twice with two kids, 13 and 2. Anyway, he suggested talking on the phone and meeting in person. I gave him my cell number and he called, just as he'd said he would. We talked the first time for about an hour and a 1/2. We made plans to meet and then he said he'd call later in the week and confirm them with me. He did and we met on that Sarturday. He was on-time and looked great. I was actually nervous as heck (so unlike me...) and excited about seeing him. The chemistry was amazing.

So as luck would have it, (I know, I know...) we wound up at his house making out. Never had actual "sex" but everything but. He wanted me to stay but I had to get home for the kids would be back in the a.m. He asked when he could see me again, I told him that I wouldn't have the kids in a couple weeks, but the next weekend I could get a sitter. He said " Two weeks isn't that long to wait." and said he'd call next week.

He called on Tuesday and I was up with my youngest. I didn't give him the attention on the phone that he deserved and felt bad about it after we were off the line. I think he felt like he was keeping from my children and didn't want to interrupt that. He again, told me he would call next week (which is THIS week) and see if we could get together. Well, I'm hoping to hear from him again tonight, Wednesday.

My dilema is I don't think that the "making out" was the issue but more that I didn't give him the attention he needed when he called last week. I don't know if he will call or if I'm going to spend another holiday weekend single. I don't want to be a booty call, either, but I don't think he really thinks like that.

My question is: Do you think he will call? Why or why not? If we get to the second date, what can I do make him feel special and stick around? Or am I complete delusional and need to get over it?

Thanks for your advice...

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 1:03pm

Personally I would see the 46 and never been married as a huge flag. Also that he wanted to take you to his house to make out on the first date.

I think it sounds to me like it is all about him and nothing about you. If you didn't give him the attention he wanted on the phone he should have apologized for calling at a bad time and asked to call you back and inqure about you and your day.

I would throw that fish back. I just don't like the way it smells!!

Sorry - wish I could be more positive - but the whole thing sounds bad to me. Will see what the others say.

For the future, I would try to keep the first date much shorter - and never to someone's house. Just my two cents worth. I hope that doesn't come across as too critical - just something I have learned the hard way.

Good luck and keep us posted - maybe the next call will go better and this is all the first time jitters.




Edited 6/29/2005 1:20 pm ET ET by cl-west1745
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 3:49pm

I think he'll call. He's done everything else he said he would up until now right?

It sounds like you met a nice guy, who is interested in you and is willing to work around your parameters. If he felt like he was keeping you from the children and didn’t want to interrupt that- then GOOD! That’s a good thing, not a bad thing. The question is, how did he sound when he got off the phone with you? Did he sound upset or bothered? Or understanding?

Now, as for the rest of your outlook, slow down. You are worried too much about what he deserves and being the pleaser. He needs to be the one that flexes around you, not the other way around.

I sense that if you see him again, you’ll end up in bed. Don’t go there yet. Give this time to flesh out. If he is really interested in you, he will wait until you are ready and not push it.

So, if he doesn’t call, and you do end up spending another holiday weekend single, do yourself a huge favor and rent the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” and see what it’s like to meet a guy who will do anything it takes to be with you, at YOUR pace.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:20pm

>>>I sense that if you see him again, you’ll end up in bed. Don’t go there yet. Give this time to flesh out. If he is really interested in you, he will wait until you are ready and not push it.<<<

I agree and I'd add that even if she is ready to sleep with him, she should make him wait. The question is whether he's just looking for sex or not. The only way to know is find out if he's willing to get to know her first before jumping in bed.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:41pm

I agree with West. I see this guy as one HUGE red flag. 46 and never been married.

He has tons of dating experience. So, I suspect that he will call you like he said he would. He's got nothing to lose by calling you, seeing you again, and possibly getting you in bed.

Men, who are older and never been married, know how to date. They do it well. Expect him to call when he says he will......but, only in the beginning. He might enter into a pseudo relationship with you. He will actually enjoy the fact that you are a single mom and therefore don't have tons of time for him, because he won't want to spend tons of time with you. He's too busy living some fabulous life he's created for himself (if you believe his self-promotion, he'll lead you to believe he's fantastic, busy, fun, and a good guy).

***But*** the commitmentphobia will set in. This guy has had ample chances to date and get married. He hasn't, because he hasn't wanted to. He'll let you get only so close to him and then he'll pull away. Gradually, he will start taking things away. Phone calls and dates will become less and less frequent until you've faded into the background. He might want to stay friends with you, but no more dating.

I say. Forget this guy!!!! (unless you only want sex)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 4:58pm

You guys are great...such insight.

I don't want the sex for the sake of sex... I want a relationship. Nothing less than that.

The single part scared me away at first, and it still concerns me. On my OLD profile I wanted either divorced or widowed men. I think their safer, for the most part and know what a commitment means, even if they (like me) messed it up somehow, at least they tried.

I will not have sex with him if he calls and we go out. I guess if he truly wants me, he'll have to go the traditional route, while I watch the red flags jump out along the way.

Thanks for your input...

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Wed, 06-29-2005 - 7:27pm

Karen,

I think that when we are older we really have 2 compatibility levels. First there is the compatibility you need to have chemistry, be attracted to each other and fall in love.

But when you are older you also have what I call "situational compatibility" - that is - is your situation in life compatible? I have had more than one relationship fail because of this - for example, a guy whose kids lived somewhere else, or someone who works far away and has kids in another state, or someone who doesn't have their finances together and doesn't believe in paying taxes.

I think we as single moms have to be especially careful with the situational compatibility. I know that everyone says to enjoy casual dating and not to marry them in your head. But the truth in my opinion is that you are wasting your time and risking your heart if the situation is not right. I am all for casual dating if the situation makes sense.

To me, this one would be a risk because of his age and not being married. I speak with experience because I dated a guy who was 48 and never been married and after 3 months he bailed because he felt having a relationship would interfere with his life and business. I think it was just a fear. And I was not pushing the relationship whatsoever - I don't think I have ever done so little - I was walking on egg shells really because of other bad experiences. The only reason I brought anything up was because he wanted sex - like I am only for this if it means something and is going to be exclusive. He did not like the word exclusive.

Of course there are no absolutes so if you like him just keep your pants on and your eyes open so to speak.

If you read the online dating board they really holler when they see someone over 40 and never been married. Although I can think of a few examples of people who didn't marry until they were in their 40s and 50s.

You should read the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" - it is a real eye opener for getting a guy who is into you and treating you right.

Good luck and keep us posted. We are here for you no matter what you decide. I pray that your situation works out great for you and that we all learn a lesson for keeping an open mind!!

signature
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 5:15am

Hi Karen,

I think you should relax and enjoy it; he may be a good guy, he may not. It is too early to tell. I don't see any reason why he wouldn't call you. Just make sure at this initial stage that he treats you properly, and that it is not his needs over yours. Yours are way more important - you have kids so you need to be sure that you are there for them, first and foremost. If he can fit into your schedule, so much the better, and that would be a good sign.

I think that if any guy really wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to do so. You need to be sure that you want to be with him too, so why not enjoy a few more dates and take it really slow? He may not be as marvellous as he first seems, or he may be even better! Time will tell!

Clem xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 07-04-2005 - 11:39am

I like your insight on "situational compatibility". I'll use that term from now on. Situational compatibility is hard for women to accept when there is a chemistry with a man.

Men seem much more focused on situational compatibility. This is why they will dump a perfectly good woman when the situation doesn't fit their life. Out of college, they might dump their girlfriend to take a job across the country and hope that they meet another woman like her when the time is right.

Women tend to focus on "the guy" and not the situation. We'll move heaven and earth to fit a guy into our lives (or fit ourselves into his life), because we are attached to that guy.

If you can filter out these situational incompatibilities before you get attached, then you are are ahead of the game. So many women say...oh just give him a chance..when there are red flags. Giving a guy a chance hasn't ever worked out for me. I haven't been pleasantly suprised.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2005
Tue, 07-05-2005 - 9:30am

Fivesense, that is such a smart post - I never thought of it that way - but you are so so right.

I think that we just have to be patient for the right one and know how to spot him. Use the time alone as an ego boost. And certainly as a spot of freedom. Attitude is everything.

signature